A woman buys a pair of crutchless pants to spice up her sex life. She sits on the chair opposite her husband and at regular intervals crosses her legs.
He says to her
'Are you wearing crutchless panties'? 'Yes', she replies. 'Thanks f**k for that' he says 'I thought you'd sat on the cat'.
Not many people know this but for years the Popes breakfast has been cooked by two old English women called Tina and Marge. On his first day in office they asked the new pontiff if he'd like the same breakfast as the previous Pope had.
"What's that?" He asked
"Full English" they replied. He thought about it and then said.......
A Tory politician, a working man and a disabled man are sitting round a table. On the table there is a plate with 10 biscuits. The Tory takes 9 biscuits, turns to the working man and says "You better watch out, the disabled guy is trying to steal your biscuit.
A Tory politician, a working man and a disabled man are sitting round a table. On the table there is a plate with 10 biscuits. The Tory takes 9 biscuits, turns to the working man and says "You better watch out, the disabled guy is trying to steal your biscuit.
Oddly, I have a friend who meets all those descriptions, so he could sit at the table by himself. He certainly eats all the pork scratchings - actually that's not quite true a good percentage of them end up as debris on his jumper or in his wheelchair.
A labour politician a working man and a disabled man are sitting round a table. On the table there are no biscuits. The labour politician says, "sorry we've spent all the billions we've borrowed and the cupboard is bare" :-)
A labour politician a working man and a disabled man are sitting round a table. On the table there are no biscuits. The labour politician says, "sorry we've spent all the billions we've borrowed and the cupboard is bare" :-)
Apologies couldn't resist.
.....but the good news is that we all now have shares in the cupboard until it is full again.
.......and other people's cupboards are even emptier than ours.
..and some who are part owners of a European cupboard have been told if they do not help fill it, they will be asked to go away and will not be in the gang again. Ever.
LIDL JOB INTERVIEW Jennifer, a manager at a local Lidl store, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table,Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?' The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning. 'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man. 'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.' 'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. 'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'. Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she hadfound her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said. Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question. Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.' 'WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response. 'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit myself..' Wally is now working at a Lidl near you!
Two guys discussing their favourite sexual position.
1st guy: 'My favourite is the rodeo position'
2nd guy: 'Oh, how does that one go then?'
1st guy: ' Well,' he says, 'You engage your partner from a southerly direction while she's on all fours, and lean forward and slowly whisper in her ear "Your sister loves it like this".... then you see how long you can hang on'.
His wife screams at him, "I've not done my hair, not done my make up, not done any housework, not done the dishes & can't be bothered with cooking! What the f**k did you invite him round for?"
Comments
Foreplay, I think she calls it.
She sits on the chair opposite her husband and at regular intervals crosses her legs.
He says to her
'Are you wearing crutchless panties'?
'Yes', she replies.
'Thanks f**k for that' he says 'I thought you'd sat on the cat'.
On his first day in office they asked the new pontiff if he'd like the same breakfast as the previous Pope had.
"What's that?" He asked
"Full English" they replied.
He thought about it and then said.......
"Don't fry for me Marge & TIna......"
A - A book.
Apologies couldn't resist.
After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified.
Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table,Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning. 'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.
'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man. 'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.
A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.' 'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.'
She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. 'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch.
When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant.
'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'. Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she hadfound her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.
Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question. Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers,
it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.' 'WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response. 'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good,
and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT,
I had already shit myself..'
Wally is now working at a Lidl near you!
RIP.
When Max Factor!
1st guy: 'My favourite is the rodeo position'
2nd guy: 'Oh, how does that one go then?'
1st guy: ' Well,' he says, 'You engage your partner from a southerly direction while she's on all fours, and lean forward and slowly whisper in her ear "Your sister loves it like this".... then you see how long you can hang on'.
Seems a bit tactically inept, he’s gone for 11 right wingers.
Feyonce.
A man invites his mate back home for dinner.
His wife screams at him, "I've not done my hair, not done my make up, not done any housework, not done the dishes & can't be bothered with cooking! What the f**k did you invite him round for?"
"Cos he's thinking of getting married."