An Australian walks into his crowded local bar brandishing a revolver yelling: "Who’s the barstard here who’s been screwing my wife?" A voice from the back of the bar shouts; "You don't have enough ammo, mate!"
A ship carrying red paint has collided in the Atlantic with a ship carrying purple paint.
It is believed that both crews have been marooned.
One of my all time favourite jokes. Except that the paint should be the primary colours red and blue. Which when mixed make purple; maroon is a shade of purple.
As we're doing ancient jokes, here's one I've always liked: Some patients from Bexley Mental Hospital (see I told you it was an old joke) have been by coach on a day trip to the coast. On the way back they decide it would be good if they could drop into a pub for a quick drink before returning to the hospital. The coach parks up outside, and as a courtesy, the bloke in charge of the patients pops into the pub and explains the situation to the barman. He says that while they have some behavioural issues they are all pretty harmless. The barman, says the pub is quiet anyway and agrees they can come in. As a word of warning the supervisor explains that all the patients will order their own drinks and try to pay with milk bottle tops. He advises the barman to just accept them but to run a tab and he will settle up at the end. Everything goes very well, the day trippers enjoy themselves and "pay" for their drinks with bottle tops and when it's time to get back on the coach the barman tells the supervisor that the final bill is £97. The supervisor says that's fine and asks the barman if he has change for a dustbin lid.
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
I bought some flavoured condoms and told my wife to stay out of the bedroom until I'd put it on, so as to make a game of it by guessing which flavour it was. After a few minutes she came in and went straight down on me announcing it was cheese and onion, to which I replied "I haven't put it on yet"
bloke about to be executed by firing squad 'do you have any last request' asked the officer in charge 'yes please' said the condemned man 'I want to sing a final song' 'OK' said the officer 'but be quick about it' 'OK' said the condemned man 'are you ready' 'get on with it' said the officer 'OK' said the condemned man. He took a deep breath and began his song like this ..... 'Ten million green bottles hanging on the wall .............
bloke about to be executed by firing squad 'do you have any last request' asked the officer in charge 'yes please' said the condemned man 'I want to sing a final song' 'OK' said the officer 'but be quick about it' 'OK' said the condemned man 'are you ready' 'get on with it' said the officer 'OK' said the condemned man. He took a deep breath and began his song like this ..... 'Ten million green bottles hanging on the wall .............
Comments
; )
On the subject of nicking jokes, here's my favourite Jack Dee one: What's blue and F***s old ladies?
Me, in my lucky blue overcoat.
I'd leave my job too if my boss never showed up.
"Who’s the barstard here who’s been screwing my wife?"
A voice from the back of the bar shouts;
"You don't have enough ammo, mate!"
The party thrower said, "You deaf **** I said bring a pair of Speedos"
It is believed that both crews have been marooned.
He said to the vendor: “Make me one with everything.”
Some patients from Bexley Mental Hospital (see I told you it was an old joke) have been by coach on a day trip to the coast.
On the way back they decide it would be good if they could drop into a pub for a quick drink before returning to the hospital.
The coach parks up outside, and as a courtesy, the bloke in charge of the patients pops into the pub and explains the situation to the barman. He says that while they have some behavioural issues they are all pretty harmless. The barman, says the pub is quiet anyway and agrees they can come in.
As a word of warning the supervisor explains that all the patients will order their own drinks and try to pay with milk bottle tops.
He advises the barman to just accept them but to run a tab and he will settle up at the end.
Everything goes very well, the day trippers enjoy themselves and "pay" for their drinks with bottle tops and when it's time to get back on the coach the barman tells the supervisor that the final bill is £97.
The supervisor says that's fine and asks the barman if he has change for a dustbin lid.
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
My wife manages to get on every f*****g one of them!
I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I am a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out.
I said, "My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny"
'do you have any last request' asked the officer in charge
'yes please' said the condemned man 'I want to sing a final song'
'OK' said the officer 'but be quick about it'
'OK' said the condemned man 'are you ready'
'get on with it' said the officer
'OK' said the condemned man. He took a deep breath and began his song like this ..... 'Ten million green bottles hanging on the wall .............
It's available on Kindle from Monday.
Paddy: "Honesty."
Job interviewer "I don't think honesty is a weakness"
Paddy: "I don't give a f*ck what you think.""
Did you just make that up?