Female athlete goes to the doctor. "I´ve been taking steroids & seem to have grown a willy". "Anabolic" asks the doctor. "No just a willy" says the athlete/blockquote>
A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to disprove some of the popular myths about sexuality.."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
Ever wondered what the feathers in an Indian's headdress stood for?
A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian Chief, asked the significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses. "Feathers show number of sexual partners," the chief replied.
Pointing to a nearby young brave, he continued, "Him? One woman, one feather. Him?" pointing to a second, older man, "Three women, three feathers."
The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. "But you have so many feathers!" The Chief proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall."
Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung!" The Chief said, "Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake."
The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!"
The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!"
The reporter cried, "Oh, dear!"
"No deer," said the Chief. "Ass too high, run too fast."
All these jokes about horse meat found in tesco burgers are getting old now!! Talk about flogging a dead horse! I quite like Aldi bugers but still prefer my Lidl pony
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast . He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, "G'day Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but some good news, and maybe some more good news".
"Well, says the bloke, I guess I'd better have the bad news first"
The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead"
The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is?
The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share".
He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.
"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?"
"Well",the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again"
Me and the wife were both depressed and decided to jump off of Beachy Head and end it all She went first and crashed to the bottom suddenly, I felt a whole lot better and thought "I think I'll soldier on"
A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.' The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well.. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up..
As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well, and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred - Forgive, Free your mind from worries - Most never happen? Live simply and appreciate what you have, Give more, Expect less.
NOW .......Enough of that crap. The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON: When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
Comments
I hope it was Wallace, I really like Gromit.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to disprove some of the popular myths about sexuality.."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
aaaaannnnnnnnnnnddddddd they're off!
"Unexpected item in bagging area."
Yeah, a fucking horse.
Ok, so I'm a big boy with a fetish.
‘Is eating horsemeat really that bad? Let’s put it to the vote. All those in favour say ‘aye’, all those against say ‘neigh’.
I've tried Sainsbury's and Tesco burgers and I have to say Tesco wins by a nose
Never having another one of those Tesco burgers. Gave me the trots
I think I had Tesco Horseburger last night by mistake. Never again. Had terrible night mares
Traces of zebra found in Tesco barcodes
I expect this only relates to those mini-burgers you have as snacks. You know, the horse d'oeuvres.
So hungry I could eat a horse... Guess I'll go to TESCO
Sir, we've discovered horse meat in your burgers." Tesco boss: "Why the long face?
Camel toe found in Primark leggings.
Ever wondered what the feathers in an Indian's headdress stood for?
A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian Chief, asked the significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.
"Feathers show number of sexual partners," the chief replied.
Pointing to a nearby young brave, he continued, "Him? One woman, one feather. Him?" pointing to a second, older man, "Three women, three feathers."
The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. "But you have so many feathers!" The Chief proudly slapped his chest.
"Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall."
Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung!" The Chief said, "Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake."
The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!"
The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!"
The reporter cried, "Oh, dear!"
"No deer," said the Chief. "Ass too high, run too fast."
I quite like Aldi bugers but still prefer my Lidl pony
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, "G'day Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but some good news, and maybe some more good news".
"Well, says the bloke, I guess I'd better have the bad news first"
The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead"
The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is?
The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share".
He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.
"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?"
"Well",the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again"
100% Pony
She went first and crashed to the bottom
suddenly, I felt a whole lot better and thought "I think I'll soldier on"
P N E S I
People who wrote spine became doctors....
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well..
The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up..
As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well, and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred - Forgive,
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen?
Live simply and appreciate what you have,
Give more,
Expect less.
NOW .......Enough of that crap. The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
See testimonial on right.
accidentclaims.org/
A cure for tourettes.
When do we want it...?
C***
I said, "You've got the wrong house then mate."
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I work in McDonald's and a customer was rude to me today, so I got him back by not putting any Coke in his drink.
Just ice was served.
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I can't believe our 4 year old son is already looking at porn online!
I said to my wife when she checked the internet history.