I don't see it probably because I'm using iPhone instead of PC.
It says....
I was getting bummed in a public toilet and slipped on a wet floor and split my head open... my boyfriend had to rush me to hospital. I just received a £2k cheque for 10 stiches in my head and a burst anus... thanks! Mr C Eyley
A Scotsman appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything in your life of particular merit?", Saint Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing", the Scotsman replied.
"On a trip to the outskirts of Glasgow , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I asked them to leave her alone but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s**t out of all of you!' "
A Scotsman appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything in your life of particular merit?", Saint Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing", the Scotsman replied.
"On a trip to the outskirts of Glasgow , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I asked them to leave her alone but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s**t out of all of you!' "
Walking into the toilets at Selhurst I was confronted by the incredible site of shit smeared walls and a river of urine on the floor. After ranting on for ten minutes about how I'd never seen such a disgusting toilet, I was politely informed that the toilet was at the other end of the stand, and that I was in the bar.
Walking into the toilets at Selhurst I was confronted by the incredible site of shit smeared walls and a river of urine on the floor. After ranting on for ten minutes about how I'd never seen such a disgusting toilet, I was politely informed that the toilet was at the other end of the stand, and that I was in the bar.
There was I thinking you where in the home dressing room.
I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive!
Our neighbour's dog shat in our garden, so my mum told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.
I don't see what that solved, now we've got dog shit in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.
---
I don't know what's more shocking: the attempt to fix 380 football matches, or that Liverpool could only score 1 goal against a team whose keeper was paid to concede 3.
I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive!
An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?' 'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..' The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch? ''What's so special about it?' The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.' The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?' Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers.' The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!' The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's an hour fast!'
A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect.
The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him.
However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk.
The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into his 'old fella'.
The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.
As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! Can you do that again?'
With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse'
A robber enters a bank with a shotgun, he shoots at the ceiling and everybody dives on to the floor.
He goes around the bank asking for pass codes and combinations for safes when he suddenly realises that his balaclava had slipped, he was horrified at his mistake.
"Did you see my face?" he asked the guy that was closest to him. He replied "erm well yes I did" so he was shot from point blank range.
"Did you see my face?" the armed robber asked someone else. He replied " erm well yes I did" so he was shot.
"Did you see my face" he asked a third guy. The guy replied "no I didn't ... But my wife did."
Comments
I was getting bummed in a public toilet and slipped on a wet floor and split my head open... my boyfriend had to rush me to hospital. I just received a £2k cheque for 10 stiches in my head and a burst anus... thanks! Mr C Eyley
"Have you ever done anything in your life of particular merit?", Saint Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing", the Scotsman replied.
"On a trip to the outskirts of Glasgow , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I asked them to leave her alone but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s**t out of all of you!' "
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"A couple of minutes ago."
station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
Paddy, the pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, so greets him in a
typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' toyer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he
does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?, asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" Inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"B' Jaysus", says the Irishman,
"Mercedes thinks of everything!".
One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child.
Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back when the child was born.
He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.
One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "You received a very strange postcard today."
"Oh, just give it to me, and I'll explain it later," he answered.
The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce!"
I don't see what that solved, now we've got dog shit in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.
---
I don't know what's more shocking: the attempt to fix 380 football matches, or that Liverpool could only score 1 goal against a team whose keeper was paid to concede 3.
I got home last night and he had both hands through his letter box.
I said 'What are you doing?
He replied ' Decorating the hall'.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch? ''What's so special about it?'
The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers.'
The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!'
The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's an hour fast!'
Then i realised i hadn't turned the telly on............
so that women can moan even when they are happy.
Needless to say he came first
He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own faeces.
After that, we never played Monopoly again.
If that's so, then why didn't they release a song called 'I'd Give That Ten Minutes'?
The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him.
However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk.
The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into his 'old fella'.
The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.
As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! Can you do that again?'
With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse'
He goes around the bank asking for pass codes and combinations for safes when he suddenly realises that his balaclava had slipped, he was horrified at his mistake.
"Did you see my face?" he asked the guy that was closest to him.
He replied "erm well yes I did" so he was shot from point blank range.
"Did you see my face?" the armed robber asked someone else.
He replied " erm well yes I did" so he was shot.
"Did you see my face" he asked a third guy.
The guy replied "no I didn't ... But my wife did."