A single bloke was lonely so he went to the pet shop thinking a pet would be good company. On arriving at the pet shop he asked the assistant for help explaining he was lonely.The assistant listened and said something unusual would suit and suggested a Talking Centipede.The single guy thought this was a good idea and put his hand in his pocket and went home with his new pet in a small cardboard box. When he got home he carefully put the box on the table while he decided what to do.After a little while he decided to go to the Pub and take his new pet with him.So he whispered in the box" Do you fancy going to the pub?" He got no response.A few minutes later he tried again in a louder voice.Still no reply! Fearing he had been ripped off at the pet shop he shouted in to the box "You fancy going to the pub??" A few seconds later a small voice replied "Keep your hair on,I heard you the first time Im just putting my fucking shoes on!"
A scouser walks into a record shop & asks the assistant if he has anything by The Doors. The assistant says yeh a security camera & doorman now piss off
My new German girlfriend gives me marks out of ten when we have sex. Last night for example I shoved it up her arse and she yelled "Nine, Nine!" My best score yet
St Peter says to God: "Lord, we have a bit of a problem. All these traveller types have turned up and they're getting a bit boisterous". God says: "Peter, you're a diplomatic chap and a splendid Gate Keeper. Use your charm and calm them down". So off goes St Peter, only to return a few minutes later, rather red in the face. "They've gone!" he says. "Good work, Peter. I knew I could rely on you". "No! The gates! They've gone!"
Last week, Dorothy checked into a hotel on her 60th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony: A very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled buns.
She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you? Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night: Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"
He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name. He replied, "She called Five Horses." The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?" The old Indian answered, It old Indian name. It mean nag, nag, nag, nag, nag!
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Want to hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Want to hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Heard this one before, but they were paddys, not blonde!
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown".
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.
I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around "
The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?” Apparently “; Only to stop myself from coming too fast ” wasn’t the right answer.
Lady: Do you smoke? Man: Yes Lady: How many packs a day? Man: 3 packs Lady: How much per pack Man: £10.00 Lady: And how long have you been smoking? Man: 15 years Lady: So 1 pack cost £10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at £900. In one year, it would be £10,800 correct? Man: Correct Lady: If in 1 year you spend £10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at £162,000 correct? Man: Correct Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari? Man: Do you smoke? Lady: No Man: Where's your fucking Ferrari then?
Comments
The assistant says yeh a security camera & doorman now piss off
I said, "Well I'm not a Big fan."
Gerald FitzPatrick... and
Patrick FitzGerald...
Last week, Dorothy checked into a hotel on her 60th birthday and she was
a bit lonely.
She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone
books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the
phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender
Tony: A very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the
photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick
wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she
felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled
buns.
She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you? Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in,
I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room
and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town
all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it
now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've
got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night: Tie me
up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and
everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"
He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9
for an outside line."
1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in?
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20: Wow, I didn't think I could eat all that and still want more
"Would you like to hold him, Dave?" she asked.
"I'd better not," I replied, "I'm worried that I'll hurt him."
"Don't be silly, you won't hurt him," she smiled, as she carefully laid him in my arms, "See."
Then I punched him in the face.
The Liverpool team.
But on the bright side, he had $10m that we shall shortly be receiving an email about...
"I said the C word in class." said Johnny
"Now then." said his mother "that wasn't clever was it"
"No." Johnny replied "It was C**t"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
..........................MORNING.................................
Adults only BE CAREFUL..NAUGHTY,NAUGHTY
NUDE SANTA -----
Scroll down to see the nude Santa
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For crying out loud. Act your age. There is no Santa !
Sometimes I worry about you!!! Now go and get some work done!!!
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.
I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around "
Man: Yes
Lady: How many packs a day?
Man: 3 packs
Lady: How much per pack
Man: £10.00
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 pack cost £10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at £900. In one year, it would be £10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend £10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at £162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you smoke?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your fucking Ferrari then?