A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
> 'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?' 'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!' 'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, With a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!' 'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, Grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother. 'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops Out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile. 'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, The squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, And the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
Gents its richie8 no t for the spelling police!!!(Blame Sidcup Hill Primary school and Bexleyheath school for my rubbish spelling ! lol) Thought the joke was pretty self explanatory!!!??
I went to buy a Dracula costume for Halloween but the girl in the shop brought me a Millwall shirt. I said I think you misheard me, I said I want to look like a Count.
I went to buy a Dracula costume for Halloween but the girl in the shop brought me a Millwall shirt. I said I think you misheard me, I said I want to look like a Count.
A group of four chaps who were at school together decide to have a reunion.
When they were 40, they couldn't decide where to go, but eventually chose the Seaview Restaurant as the waitresses wore short skirts and low cut tops.
When they were 50, they couldn't decide where to go, but eventually chose the Seaview Restaurant as it serves excellent food and has a good range of wines
When they were 60, they couldn't decide where to go, but eventually chose the Seaview Restaurant as the views to sea were excellent and the place was always quiet
When they were 70, they couldn't decide where to go, but eventually chose the Seaview Restaurant as the restaurant had lifts and a place for taxi rank right outside the door
When they were 80, they couldn't decide where to go, but eventually chose the Seaview Restaurant as none of them had been before
I met a beautiful woman by the lake the other day. There was a spark between us and she fell at my feet. As we lay together making love i thought to myself...... these tazers are well worth the money.
Being nervous, and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy on a recommendation I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco , where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and accommodating.
As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.
"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.
On January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the
Murray Baker Bridge so they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"
She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.
After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
The wife has never had an orgasm before, and the doctor suggested that she could be overheating during sexx. So i decided to get my mate dave round, to waft a towel on us while we`re at it. After 20 mins of wafting still no orgasm so dave suggested a swap " il bang her and you waft the towel"within minutes the mrs was screaming with pleasure and she finally had the best orgasm ever, i then turned to my mate dave and said " that my son is how you waft a towel"
I saw a bloke putting up a sign over his store that said "Shoo Shop." I went over to tell him that it was spelt wrong. He told me to fuck off and chased me away.
It was coming to the end of the day and sat in his near deserted local pub in Liverpool was a scouser. He was having a few beers as usual when a short well dressed and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him. After three or four beers, the gay man leaned over towards the scouser and whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"
The Scouser leaped up with fire in his eyes knocked the gay man off his stool and smacked the sh¦t out of him. He dragged him out of the bar and left him bruised and battered in the car park and returned to his seat at the bar.
Not entirely amazed at what just happened the barman quickly brought over another beer to the scouser and said, "I've never seen you react as badly as that before. What did he say to you?"
"I don't know," the scouser replied... "Something about a job."
I saw a bloke putting up a sign over his store that said "Shoo Shop." I went over to tell him that it was spelt wrong. He told me to fuck off and chased me away.
Comments
THE GOLFING NUN ..
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
>
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5,
With a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods,
Grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops
Out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight,
The squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green,
And the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
'You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?
But he insisted it was, and we lost the quiz by one point.
He has just opened an email telling him of an appt that has just been booked for him - in SE7
funny thing is, the address was given as " blank blank rd, london, kent, se7"
Valley Express anyone ???
On the side of it was printed "You must never go back to a firework to re-light it once it's been ignited"
Just as well, really.. There's no way I could fit through Simon Jordan's letterbox to try & light it again...
I knew it was an average squad with no future, so I declined the offer.
I then put the phone down and got back to Football Manager.
When they were 40, they couldn't decide where to go, but eventually chose the Seaview Restaurant as the waitresses wore short skirts and low cut tops.
When they were 50, they couldn't decide where to go, but eventually chose the Seaview Restaurant as it serves excellent food and has a good range of wines
When they were 60, they couldn't decide where to go, but eventually chose the Seaview Restaurant as the views to sea were excellent and the place was always quiet
When they were 70, they couldn't decide where to go, but eventually chose the Seaview Restaurant as the restaurant had lifts and a place for taxi rank right outside the door
When they were 80, they couldn't decide where to go, but eventually chose the Seaview Restaurant as none of them had been before
Being nervous, and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy on a recommendation I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco , where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and accommodating.
As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.
"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.
"I haven't got an erection," I replied.
"No, but I have," replied the nurse.
Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco
Murray Baker Bridge so they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"
She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.
After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
The Scouser leaped up with fire in his eyes knocked the gay man off his stool and smacked the sh¦t out of him. He dragged him out of the bar and left him bruised and battered in the car park and returned to his seat at the bar.
Not entirely amazed at what just happened the barman quickly brought over another beer to the scouser and said, "I've never seen you react as badly as that before. What did he say to you?"
"I don't know," the scouser replied... "Something about a job."