The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.
The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.
The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.
She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running..'
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.
The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?'
The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'
The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: 'Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. "Hey, girls," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss.
She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day. In the morning, the brunette says: "That was fun, we should do it again sometime."
A turkey is chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighs the turkey, "but I just haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replies the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecks at a lump of dung and finds that it actually gives him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reaches the second branch. Finally after a week, there he is proudly perched at the top of the tree. Unfortunately he is spotted by a farmer, who shoots him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there!!
Please could you fix it for the girl in my class who I really fancy to come on holiday with me.
Yours sincerely,
Jeremy Forrest aged 30. Maths teacher ---------
The BBC News channel just displayed images of the three women who claimed that Jimmy Savile interfered with them sexually. They showed a current picture of each of the women and a picture taken of each of them from the 1970s.
The caption read: Now, then. Now, then. Now, then.
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you reallywant it."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!" MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?
Comments
It turns out I am a dick and she really does want me to f**k off!
small white area so I've called him Bradford .
It was a case of tit for twat!
In the doctor's examining room,
Waiting for the doctor to come in
For the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby
Checked his weight, saw it was a little low
And being a little concerned,
Asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,'
The doctor ordered.
She did.
He pinched her nipples,
Pressed,
Kneaded,
And rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed,
The doctor said,
'No wonder this baby is underweight.
You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said,
'I'm his Grandma,
But I'm glad I came.
The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.
The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.
She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running..'
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.
The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?'
The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'
The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: 'Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.
Our dates so far can be summarised as follows:-
Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, Batman!
ham then delete it. It's Spam.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss.
She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day.
In the morning, the brunette says: "That was fun, we should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighs the turkey, "but I just haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replies the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecks at a lump of dung and finds that it actually gives him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reaches the second branch.
Finally after a week, there he is proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Unfortunately he is spotted by a farmer, who shoots him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there!!
'When I get married I'm wearing a kilt'
'Oh yeah .. what's the Tartan'
'The usual, a simple white dress'
I'm amazed that so many people choose to be complete fucking twats.
You can’t take your children abroad during term time but the teachers can……..
I'll get me coat
jimmy saville filled the cracks before they developed...
Please could you fix it for the girl in my class who I really fancy to come on holiday with me.
Yours sincerely,
Jeremy Forrest aged 30.
Maths teacher
---------
The BBC News channel just displayed images of the three women who claimed that Jimmy Savile interfered with them sexually. They showed a current picture of each of the women and a picture taken of each of them from the 1970s.
The caption read: Now, then. Now, then. Now, then.
more scandel at he BBC after reports that Rod Hull was caught fisting a young bird.
an angry mob of dyslexic parents have just kicked the fuck out of jimmy somerville.
Jimmy Savile never got pubes on his cigar
They both shafted minors in the 80s..
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench
rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only
$2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models.
I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found
out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're
asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably
take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you reallywant it."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?