my 3 year old son was trying to open a yoghurt this morning . after a few minutes he started getting stressed and said "stupid twattin fucking lid" my wife looked at me and said "wheres he got that from?" i said "the fridge you fucking thick twat"
The missus left a note on the fridge. "it's not working, I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Mums". I opened the fridge, the light came on & the beer was cold... Fuck knows what she was on about !
A man buys an old oil lamp at a boot fair. He takes the lamp home and rubs it. Out pops a grateful genie who says: "for releasing me I will grant you any two wishes that you desire".
"Wow, I want to live forever" says the man. "Anything can be granted except immortality, so one wish is forfeit" says the genie "and what is your second wish?"
Man says "I want to live until the English football team win the world cup!"
Genie replies "You're a clever bastard aren't you!?"
They have bought an Olympic "pack of three".You get a gold one ,a silver one and a bronze one.The girlfriend said to me"If you use the silver one will that mean you come second?"....
A group of chaps, all age 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there were gorgeous, with tight skirts, perky breasts and nice bums.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food and service was good and the wine selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.
THE AFGHAN FOOTBALLER The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over. Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left.
The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes. The lad is a sensation. He scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool . The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day … Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you tell me that you were having a great time.'
The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.'
'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum, 'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex . Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs.'
A man walks into a bar and orders a pint of Whitbread.
He pays for it but before he drinks, goes for a pee....
When he gets back to the bar he picks up the glass and is just about to start sipping when the barman says, hey mate, I would'nt do that if I were you..... see that girl over there..... she's just come up to the bar picked up your drink and farted in it......
fk that he thinks, she can but me a new pint, so he goes over to the girls table and says 'Hey .... you fart in my whitbread?'
Before England's opening game at EURO 2012, they visited a local Ukrainian orphanage. "Its so very sad to see their faces filled with little or no hope." Said Igor, aged 6. ----- Michael Owen has recently released a new fragrance, its called 'My Cologne' ----- Some pretty funny football team names......
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her adult grandson - who is coming to visit.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell." "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?
Why Italian Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos." "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?
Before England's opening game at EURO 2012, they visited a local Ukrainian orphanage. "Its so very sad to see their faces filled with little or no hope." Said Igor, aged 6. ----- Michael Owen has recently released a new fragrance, its called 'My Cologne' ----- Some pretty funny football team names......
One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".
Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".
The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".
Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".
On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.
Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.
Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!
A little boy, call him Timmy, asked his dad : ' Dad, dada, dad .. what's a penis ?' Dad dropped his trousers, proudly took out the old hampton and said: 'That's a penis son, and you know what ? .. THAT is a perfect penis' 'Ooooh thanks dad' said Timmy
Next day at school Timmy's little mates asked him if he'd found out what was a penis.
Timmy dropped his shorts, pulled out his pecker and said: 'This is a penis ... and if it was 3 inches shorter it'd be THE perfect penis'
Comments
There was a guy on the dance floor giving it everything he had - breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.
My wife turned to me and said, " See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
I said, "Looks like he's still fucking celebrating!!
The missus left a note on the fridge. "it's not working, I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Mums". I opened the fridge, the light came on & the beer was cold... Fuck knows what she was on about !
"Wow, I want to live forever" says the man. "Anything can be granted except immortality, so one wish is forfeit" says the genie "and what is your second wish?"
Man says "I want to live until the English football team win the world cup!"
Genie replies "You're a clever bastard aren't you!?"
You can't come in here said the priest.
But without me there'd be no mass, said the Boson.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food and service was good and the wine selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.
The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over. Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left.
The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation. He scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool . The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day …
Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you tell me that you were having a great time.'
The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.'
'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum, 'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'
......he made an exhibition of himself !
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs.'
Who's there?
Nathan Prior
Nathan Prior who?
Nathan Prior, seat cleaner.
Quick everyone hide, it's Nathan.
----------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a bar and orders a pint of Whitbread.
He pays for it but before he drinks, goes for a pee....
When he gets back to the bar he picks up the glass and is just about
to start sipping when the barman says, hey mate, I would'nt do that if
I were you..... see that girl over there..... she's just come up to the bar
picked up your drink and farted in it......
fk that he thinks, she can but me a new pint, so he goes over to the girls
table and says 'Hey .... you fart in my whitbread?'
No she says.......
I'm Tessa Sanderson......
Boom Boom
"Its so very sad to see their faces filled with little or no hope."
Said Igor, aged 6.
-----
Michael Owen has recently released a new fragrance, its called 'My Cologne'
-----
Some pretty funny football team names......
Sporting Abeergut
Real Ale Madrid
Fiorentina Turner
Sub-Standard Liege
Breast Rummidge Albion
Dyslexia Untied
Royal Mail-drid
Creweventus
Dynamo Chicken Kiev
Steaua Needarest
Fatzio
Bumfica
Arselona
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door.
With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?
"What .... You coming empty handed?"
An old Italian man is dying.
He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan'
you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so
you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about
you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be
runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife,
lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of
bambinos."
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe
finda you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?
1. Stewart Francis — “You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.”
2. Tim Vine — “Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.”
3. Will Marsh — “I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.”
4. Rob Beckett — “You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.”
5. Chris Turner — “I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet ... I don’t know why.”
6. Tim Vine — “I took part in the sun tanning Olympics — I just got Bronze.”
7. George Ryegold — “Pornography is often frowned upon, but that’s only because I’m concentrating.”
8. Stewart Francis — “I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting.”
9. Lou Sanders — “I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: ‘It’s not rocket salad’.”
10. Nish Kumar — “My mum’s so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism ... she wouldn’t fancy her chances.”
'Pokemon'
After a few minutes I went over and said, "Would you like me to do that for you?"
"No thanks," she replied.
"Are you sure?" I asked, as I walked out with my shopping 45 minutes later.
Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".
The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".
Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".
On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.
Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.
Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!
Dad dropped his trousers, proudly took out the old hampton and said: 'That's a penis son, and you know what ? .. THAT is a perfect penis'
'Ooooh thanks dad' said Timmy
Next day at school Timmy's little mates asked him if he'd found out what was a penis.
Timmy dropped his shorts, pulled out his pecker and said: 'This is a penis ... and if it was 3 inches shorter it'd be THE perfect penis'