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Jokes..

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    I once stayed at a friend's house and he had a triangular bed, you couldn't make it up.
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    Paddy and Mick decided to swap sandwiches one day at work.
    Paddy bites into the sandwich Mick has given him and immediately spits it out.
    "Fockin' Jaysus! What's in that? ", he said. "Crab paste", says Mick.
    "Crab paste?", said Paddy, "where did you get it?"
    "At the chemist, they were having a sale!"
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    I Googled "Gary Oldman" and got some pretty disturbing images - he's really let himself go, I thought.

    Then I realised I'd left the "R" out.
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    I was going to visit my Man Utd supporting mate today........................then I remembered, he doesn't like Kompany.
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    John Terry has tweeted to say how sad he is at missing the Champions league final and it won't be the same watching it on TV at Christine Bleakleys house.
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    Q. How do you know when your sister's having her period?

    A. Your dad's knob tastes funny!

    Taxi !!!
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    lol so wrong
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    Rangers FC 2013 Line up - Naismith, Naifuture, Naiclass, Naimoney, Naistadium, Naihope, Naitrophies, Naiprospects, Naifans, Naimanager, Naiplayers.
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    Q. How do you know when your sister's having her period?

    A. Your dad's knob tastes funny!

    Taxi !!!
    The Addams Family :-)

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    What do you call a gay dinosaur? Mega-saur-ass

    Bloke goes to the doctors and says “Doctor, It think my wife is dead..”
    Doctor says “what do you mean you think your wife is dead”?
    Bloke says “well the sex is still the same but the washing is starting to pile up”

    Just received some sad news. My ex-wife has been found dead in a washing machine. Even though its a strange way to die, she seems to have died in comfort.


    Guy walks into a pharmacy and asks for some viagra. Cashier says " we need some medical proof that you need it?" Bloke replies, "will a photo of my wife do?"

    Took my wife to the doctors yesterday, cos she got a golf ball stuck up her arse. He had a look and said "its up a fairway".
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    last night i said to the missus, "any chance of some oral relief?"
    "What's that mean?" she said, " you want me to suck you off?"
    I said "no, just shut the f*ck up"
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    Mate of mine just had a wig made out of anal hair.

    Only problem is that it keeps blowing off.
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    The Chief Exec of the FA has just spoken to Roy Hodgson to remind him "dont forget we've not got Wayne for the first two matches this summer", to which Hodgson replied "Dont bother me with fucking weather forecasts now you pwick"
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    Can we joke about Vidal yet, or is it too sasoon?
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    Bill and Ben the Flowerpot Men are in bed together. Bill says "flibba libba lob". Ben says "haven't you swallowed that yet".
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    Why is Little Weed green? Because Bill and Ben flob a lot.
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    Being told that there is a cure for dyslexia was music to my arse
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    What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexic Association.
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    Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He laid awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.
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    Q. What goes clippety clop, clippety clop, clippety clop. BANG BANG BANG. Clippety clop, clippety clop, clippety clop.

    A. An Amish drive by shooting.
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    Wahts wiht all teh dlyexic joeks?

    Sohw some cosnidreatoin gusy..............
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    Wahts wiht all teh dlyexic joeks?

    Sohw some cosnidreatoin gusy..............
    poor

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    I met a girl in the park the other evening.
    There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet.
    As we lay there making love, I thought....
    These Taser guns are well worth the money.
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    There's a lot of Man United fans feeling blue today. Not because they lost the league, because they now support Man City.
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    Three blonde's are stranded on a island
    when one of them finds a lamp. They
    rub it and a genie comes out. He says "You have one wish each." The first blonde wishes to be 25%
    smarter; she turns into a brunette and
    swims off the island. The second blonde see's what
    happened and wishes to be 50%
    smarter; she turns into a redhead,
    builds a raft and gets off the island. The third one is astonished by what
    happened and wishes to be 100%
    smarter; she turns into a man and
    crosses the bridge.
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    It's my scouse son in laws birthday tomorrow and so for a special treat i'm gonna stick an extra tenner in my coat pocket.
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    Rangers have confirmed they will be playing Portsmouth in a pre-season friendly,

    "El Brassico!" is set for the 4th of August!
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    Little Johnny was just being potty trained, and his mum tried this new method with 6 steps:

    1. Unbutton pants.

    2. Pull pants down.

    3. Pull foreskin back.

    4. Pee.

    5. Push foreskin forward.

    6. Pull pants up and button.

    She walked past the bathroom one day and heard Johnny
    saying, "1,2,3,4,5,6" and she was thinking she did good.

    Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast 3-5,3-5,3-5...
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    36inch DD breasts covered in warm belgium chocolate...
    1 inch erect nipples pierced with golden nipple rings topped with whipped cream...
    Clean shaven fanny framed by an open crotched leather thong...smothered in Blackberry jam....
    This is not ordinary porn....

    that's M&S Porn..!
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    Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
    He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks
    like a bomb."
    The operator asks, "is it tickin ?"
    Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"
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