No matter how hard he tries,Paddy cannot satisfy his wife. They go to the Doc who interviews them and carries out some tests after which he says,' It's actually very straight forward,it seems that Mrs Paddy is overheating during sex;if you install some air-conditioning in the bedroom I'm certain that this will solve the problem.' But at home Paddy's having none of it,' Do you know how much air-conditioning costs? Fuck that,leave it to me.' Paddy gets his mate round and hands him a towel. 'While I'm doing the missus,you waft this towel up & down and get a breeze going.' Paddy gets on his missus & his mate starts wafting the towel. Twenty minutes later-nothing. His mate says,'Look,let's swap,I'll do the missus and you waft the towel.' 'Alright,' days Paddy. So his mate climbs on Paddy's missus and Paddy starts wafting the towel. Within minutes Paddy's missus is screaming in ecstasy and has an earth-shattering multiple orgasm. Paddy walks over to his mate & pats him on the back. 'Now that my son,' he says, 'Is how to waft a fucking towel.'
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a Vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ." "Really, ..." says Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind ?"
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid...then I was petrified !
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. A s I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot .....
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70! "Blow this," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an R A C van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."
On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country ?'
Bloke walks into a restaraunt with a massive salmon tucked under his arm, says to the owner " Mate do you cook fish cakes in here?" the owner says "Of course we do sir!" Bloke says "cook him one then, it's his Birthday tommorow!"
So Farmer Giles takes one of his sheep to a sheep shearing competition. "What an ugly sheep" old McDonald remarks as he is about to shear his sheep. Farmer Giles duly shears his sheep in a record 3.7 seconds. "Well, he doesn't look ugly any more" remarks old McDonald. "That's right", replies Farmer Giles "he's better when shorn, he's better when shorn......"
A Woman's Dog is Drowning in the Sea, A passing German Dwarf dives in , pulls out the Dog resuscitates it & saves its life " Are you a Little Vet ?" Asked the Woman , "A Little Vet ?" said the German Dwarf , " I'm F*cking Soaked"!!
So Farmer Giles takes one of his sheep to a sheep shearing competition. "What an ugly sheep" old McDonald remarks as he is about to shear his sheep. Farmer Giles duly shears his sheep in a record 3.7 seconds. "Well, he doesn't look ugly any more" remarks old McDonald. "That's right", replies Farmer Giles "he's better when shorn, he's better when shorn......"
Local police are hunting the 'Knitting-Needle Nutter' who's stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours. They believe the attacker could be following some sort of pattern!
Paddy loses an ear in a building site accident, at the Hospital the Doctor says luckily they found your ear and we can sew it back on, Paddy looks at the ear and says thats not mine, mine had a pencil behind it.
Paddy loses an ear in a building site accident, at the Hospital the Doctor says luckily they found your ear and we can sew it back on, Paddy looks at the ear and says thats not mine, mine had a pencil behind it.
A woman was standing in front of her mirror, taking a long look at herself. "You know" she said to her husband, "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are flabby, I've got bingo-wings and varicose veins and my bum looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenberg!" My body has just gone to pieces!
She turns to face her husband and says, "Please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself." He studies her critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight"!
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. One noticed something funny about the other one's ear and said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out & stared at it. Then she said, "I'm so glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya , Egypt and Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."
The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniforms and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
A final thought –
Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya , Egypt and Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."
The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniforms and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
A final thought –
Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.
So Farmer Giles takes one of his sheep to a sheep shearing competition. "What an ugly sheep" old McDonald remarks as he is about to shear his sheep. Farmer Giles duly shears his sheep in a record 3.7 seconds. "Well, he doesn't look ugly any more" remarks old McDonald. "That's right", replies Farmer Giles "he's better when shorn, he's better when shorn......"
An old man turned 105 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview, the reporter noticed that the garden was full of children of all ages playing together.
A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter,keeping them in fresh tea and cakes.
"Are these your grand kids?" the reporter asked.
"Naw, sir, they all be my youngens," the old man replied with a sly grin.
"Your kids?" asked the reporter. "What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?"
"Naw, sir," said the old man. "She be my wife."
"Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can't be more than 19 years old."
"Thass right," said the old man with pride.
"Well surely you can't have a sex life with you being 105 and she is only 19," the reporter remarked.
"Naw, sir," said the old man. "We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on it, and every morning six of my boys helps me off."
"Wait just one minute," said the newspaperman. "Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?"
"Cause," the spry old man said with a balled fist, "I fights 'em."
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya , Egypt and Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."
The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniforms and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
A final thought –
Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.
Brilliant
That reminds me of the time, back when we used to kick shit out of the French. They captured an English soldier. And this French officer said, “Why do you stupid Eeenglish wear ze red uniform. We can see you coming for miles.”
And the English guy replied, “It’s so that when we are hit and wounded, the blood doesn’t show and we continue fighting.”
And that is why, to this day, the French military wear brown trousers.
An atom gets up to leave a bar. As he approaches the door he feels his back pocket and declares "I've lost an electron!".
"Are you sure?" The barman asks.
"I'm positive"
I took a girl home from a club last night.
As we got inside my house I said, "You'll be walking funny tomorrow."
"Ooooooh" she smiled, "Have a big cock do we?"
I locked the door and said, "No, I'm going to cut off your feet."
I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning.
As we were leaving the car park, somebody shouted, "You are an irresponsible father!"
I said, "Who the **** was that? Stop the car, son."
I've bought my epileptic girlfriend a few small gifts for Valentine's Day. Nothing too flashy.
Marriage is like a deck of cards, at the beginning all you need are two Hearts and a Diamond. After 20 years you wish you had a Club and a Spade.
The missus said last night "If we turn the light off I'll let you give it to me up the arse". Something tells me I should have let the bulb cool down a bit.
My mate has just sent me a text to say he’s accidentally swallowed some scrabble squares. I imagine that going for a shit could spell trouble.
Following a sexist joke I made the other week, the Feminist Society sent me an email to say they now have my home address. I should be okay because, fortunately, none of the bitches can read a map.
Comments
But at home Paddy's having none of it,' Do you know how much air-conditioning costs? Fuck that,leave it to me.' Paddy gets his mate round and hands him a towel. 'While I'm doing the missus,you waft this towel up & down and get a breeze going.'
Paddy gets on his missus & his mate starts wafting the towel. Twenty minutes later-nothing. His mate says,'Look,let's swap,I'll do the missus and you waft the towel.'
'Alright,' days Paddy. So his mate climbs on Paddy's missus and Paddy starts wafting the towel.
Within minutes Paddy's missus is screaming in ecstasy and has an earth-shattering multiple orgasm.
Paddy walks over to his mate & pats him on the back.
'Now that my son,' he says,
'Is how to waft a fucking towel.'
Join Beiber2012.
SOME ONE LINERS - SOME NEW, SOME OLD !!
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a Vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ." "Really, ..." says Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind ?"
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid...then I was petrified !
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. A s I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot .....
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70! "Blow this," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an R A C van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."
On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country ?'
Pint of bitter, mate, he says to the barman.
Excuse me, says the barman, but I can't help noticing you've got a steering wheel coming out of your flies.
I know, says the bloke, it's driving me nuts.
A. Littlewoods
I said "very little"
The psychiatrist said "I can clearly see your nuts".
She turns to face her husband and says, "Please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself." He studies her critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight"!
Shit over both legs.
At that price though you can't turn it down!
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya , Egypt and Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."
The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniforms and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
A final thought –
Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.
hahaha fantastic!
A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter,keeping them in fresh tea and cakes.
"Are these your grand kids?" the reporter asked.
"Naw, sir, they all be my youngens," the old man replied with a sly grin.
"Your kids?" asked the reporter. "What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?"
"Naw, sir," said the old man. "She be my wife."
"Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can't be more than 19 years old."
"Thass right," said the old man with pride.
"Well surely you can't have a sex life with you being 105 and she is only 19," the reporter remarked.
"Naw, sir," said the old man. "We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on it, and every morning six of my boys helps me off."
"Wait just one minute," said the newspaperman. "Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?"
"Cause," the spry old man said with a balled fist, "I fights 'em."
He replies " Jeez, how long have I been asleep ?"
And the English guy replied, “It’s so that when we are hit and wounded, the blood doesn’t show and we continue fighting.”
And that is why, to this day, the French military wear brown trousers.
"Got the time on ya cock?"
"Are you sure?" The barman asks.
"I'm positive"
I took a girl home from a club last night.
As we got inside my house I said, "You'll be walking funny tomorrow."
"Ooooooh" she smiled, "Have a big cock do we?"
I locked the door and said, "No, I'm going to cut off your feet."
I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning.
As we were leaving the car park, somebody shouted, "You are an irresponsible father!"
I said, "Who the **** was that? Stop the car, son."
I've bought my epileptic girlfriend a few small gifts for Valentine's Day. Nothing too flashy.
Marriage is like a deck of cards, at the beginning all you need are two Hearts and a Diamond. After 20 years you wish you had a Club and a Spade.
The missus said last night "If we turn the light off I'll let you give it to me up the arse".
Something tells me I should have let the bulb cool down a bit.
My mate has just sent me a text to say he’s accidentally swallowed some scrabble squares. I imagine that going for a shit could spell trouble.
Following a sexist joke I made the other week, the Feminist Society sent me an email to say they now have my home address.
I should be okay because, fortunately, none of the bitches can read a map.