A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
Paddy turns up at a building site where there used to be a WW2 Aerodrome, looking for work. The Foreman said ' ok Paddy, see that tall building over there. there's an old boy working on the roof, get up there and give him a hand '. Ten minutes later he hears a yell and looks up in time to see Paddy diving off the roof into oblivion. The Foreman rushes up to the old boy to see what happened, saying what the hell did you do ? The old boy said ' I don't know, all I said was we used to fly from here in Wellingtons '.
Last week, we took some friends to a new Indian restaurant, 'Muthu's Place,' and noticed that the Indian waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the Indian staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare.. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now..' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the Indian waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the Indian waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then the Indian waiter lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.'
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon..
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas
I went into a fancy dress hire shop and asked for a Dracula outfit. A couple of minutes later the guy came out with a Crystal Palace shirt. I said to him sorry mate you must have misheard me. I said I want to look like a Count !!!
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road? A. Because it was stuffed inside Anthony Worrall-Thompsons jacket.
I went for a testicle check up last week. The cute little Thai nurse cupped my balls and said not to worry as it was perfectly normal to get an erection during this procedure. I said I haven't got an erection. She said no, but i have.
Met a girl with a plasticine fanny last week. We haven't had sex yet but i think i've made an impression.
I asked 100 woman what shampoo they used while in the shower. 99 out of 100 replied . . . "how the fuck did you get in here!"
I went into a fancy dress hire shop and asked for a Dracula outfit. A couple of minutes later the guy came out with a Crystal Palace shirt. I said to him sorry mate you must have misheard me. I said I want to look like a Count !!!
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road? A. Because it was stuffed inside Anthony Worrall-Thompsons jacket.
I went for a testicle check up last week. The cute little Thai nurse cupped my balls and said not to worry as it was perfectly normal to get an erection during this procedure. I said I haven't got an erection. She said no, but i have.
Met a girl with a plasticine fanny last week. We haven't had sex yet but i think i've made an impression.
I asked 100 woman what shampoo they used while in the shower. 99 out of 100 replied . . . "how the fuck did you get in here!"
The ugliest bloke in the village is sitting in his local pub one lunch time, enjoying his pint and grinning from ear to ear. The barman is curious and so he says "go on then, why are you looking so smug today"?
Ugly bloke says "well when i left here last night to go home i took a short cut down by the railway line. While i was down there i came across this young lady. Anyway, to cut a long story short, i took her back to my place and made mad passionate love to her all night long".
"Was she good looking"? said the barman. "No idea" says ugly bloke, " i never found her head".
On the first day of Harry Redknapps trial the judge asked Harrys lawyer if they would like to post bail. Harry said he probably wouldn't fit through the letterbox..........
Mishi Dulwich Morath Dalglish, Wenger, Redknapp, Boas and Ferguson all sitting in a pub. Wenger goes up to the bar, buys the first round. Boas buys the second, Redknapp buys the third (via his accountant). Fergie buys the 4th and Kenny buys the 5th, but doesn't return with a drink for Fergie. "Where's mine?" Fergie asks, "Sorry" says Kenny"...." this is the 5th round and you're not in it...."
A friend of mine, Dr Robinson, said to me that he'd had sex with one of his paitents and did I think he'd been unprofessional. I said forget professionalism, you're a bloody vet you pervert!
There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"
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The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
"Do you mind? That's my daughter you're talking about."
"I'm really sorry, I didn't know you were her father."
"I'm not. I'm her mother."
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare.. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now..' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the Indian waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the Indian waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then the Indian waiter lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.'
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon..
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas
David Filmer
I once bought a Bonnie Tyler satnav. It was rubbish. Kept telling me to turn around, and every now and then it fell apart.
Did it also get you lost in France ?
No other player was involved..
I said, give him a biscuit and he'll probably let you.
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. Because it was stuffed inside Anthony Worrall-Thompsons jacket.
I went for a testicle check up last week. The cute little Thai nurse cupped my balls and said not to worry as it was perfectly normal to get an erection during this procedure. I said I haven't got an erection. She said no, but i have.
Met a girl with a plasticine fanny last week. We haven't had sex yet but i think i've made an impression.
I asked 100 woman what shampoo they used while in the shower. 99 out of 100 replied . . . "how the fuck did you get in here!"
Its fine if youve got one
Its fine to be proud of it
But dont take it out and wave it around in public
And dont force it down the throats of children
Ugly bloke says "well when i left here last night to go home i took a short cut down by the railway line. While i was down there i came across this young lady. Anyway, to cut a long story short, i took her back to my place and made mad passionate love to her all night long".
"Was she good looking"? said the barman. "No idea" says ugly bloke, " i never found her head".
Dalglish, Wenger, Redknapp, Boas and Ferguson all sitting in a pub. Wenger goes up to the bar, buys the first round. Boas buys the second, Redknapp buys the third (via his accountant). Fergie buys the 4th and Kenny buys the 5th, but doesn't return with a drink for Fergie. "Where's mine?" Fergie asks, "Sorry" says Kenny"...." this is the 5th round and you're not in it...."
My wife says she's leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing. She's at the gate now and . . . she's off.
Some bloke came up to me and said, "You're gonna be very sore tomorrow, pal."
"It's alright," I laughed, "I'm used to working on my arms."
"I didn't mean your arms," he winked, "I've spiked your Lucozade..."
A little boy approaches him and asks " Can you help with my hearing".
The Pope looks at the boy and places his hands over the boy's ears.
As The Pope removes his hands, he asks "Has that helped your hearing?"
The little boy replies "I don't know, it's not until next Wednesday".
- No.
Well that's porkward.
"Conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes."
Danielle Lloyd is now the 6/4 favourite