I saw a dyslexic Yorkshireman today....... he was wearing his cat flap.
A friend of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....
I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train.
He was chuffed to bits.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there, I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...
I thought to myself, "these blokes have lost the plot!!"
I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance.
Not being one to disappoint, I pushed the old dear over.
A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said...."A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do."
My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something waterproof and shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her bathroom scales. I start a new job in Seoul next week.
I thought it was a good Korea move.
I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs.
The birds love it!
The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.
From next week, all the forms will be printed in English only.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself, "that guy’s heading for a breakdown!"
On holiday recently in Spain, I saw a sign that said: ‘English speaking Doctor’ –
I thought, "What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?"
The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on stage last night.
Got done by the Police crackdown on Drink Driving.
When the policewoman asked me how much I had drunk in the last 24 hours my answer of "Not enough to shag you dear...." was apparently not the correct one.....
I was in the pub with some mates the other day telling jokes. I told the old one about "what do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath? Throw your washing in."
Anyway a guy comes over and says " I take offence at that joke. My brother is epileptic and he died when he had a fit in the bath" I apologised profusely and asked " Did he drown?"
Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?'
'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a Lady of the night and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'
The kid next door was running round the garden waving a pretend wand and shouting out spells. "I bet you really want to be like Harry Potter, don't you?" I asked him. "Yeah!" he shouted excitedly. So I killed his parents and locked him under the stairs.
I was sitting there watching match of the day when my missus came into the living room and says "Fancy a shag babe?"
I said "After the football love". She said "You do realise you can record it don't you?" I said "Nice, you get the camcorder set up and I'll be upstairs as soon as the footy's finished".
Police in Liverpool last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 20 tonnes of heroin, £5 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Toxteth.
Local residents were stunned and a community spokesman said:
"We're all shocked, we never knew we had a library."
Irish Golfer A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. 'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked. 'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says. Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?' 'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.' And the golfer walks off. 'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.' A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. 'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here, the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?' 'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.' >
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?' 'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!' 'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?' The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.' C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun,'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?' Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.' 'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?' 'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.
The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.
Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a 100 Euro note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the 100 Euro note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the 100 Euro note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the 100 Euro note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.
The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.
The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the 100 Euro note.
The hotel proprietor then places the 100 Euro note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the 100 Euro note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything.
No one earned anything.
However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works.
I just bought a Christmas tree... the assistant asked "will you be putting this up yourself?". I replied "no, you sick pervert, it's going in the living room"
Comments
And I thought why not? I haven't got anything on....
I saw a dyslexic Yorkshireman today....... he was wearing his cat flap.
A friend of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....
I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train.
He was chuffed to bits.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there, I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...
I thought to myself, "these blokes have lost the plot!!"
I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance.
Not being one to disappoint, I pushed the old dear over.
A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said...."A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do."
My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something waterproof and shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her bathroom scales.
I start a new job in Seoul next week.
I thought it was a good Korea move.
I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs.
The birds love it!
The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.
From next week, all the forms will be printed in English only.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself, "that guy’s heading for a breakdown!"
On holiday recently in Spain, I saw a sign that said: ‘English speaking Doctor’ –
I thought, "What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?"
The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on stage last night.
To be fair, the audience did try to warn him
I'm in the cells tonight.
Got done by the Police crackdown on Drink Driving.
When the policewoman asked me how much I had drunk in the last 24 hours my answer of "Not enough to shag you dear...." was apparently not the correct one.....
Q : What do you get if you put your hand up a gypsies skirt ?
>
>
A : Your palm red once a month
Bi Polar !
Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.
Or in short - B.I.G.T.I.T.S.
My girlfriend just burst in my bedroom!
Gonna take her back to Anne Summers for a refund.....
naked. She said "Shut the curtains please. I dont want the neighbours to see me
naked."
I said " Don't worry dear, if the neighbours see you naked
they'll shut there own bloody curtains."
path. He went over and trod on it. I said "What did you do that for?"
He
said "I don't like butterflies, never have done" I said " Well you can go
without butter for a week"
10 minutes later a bee landed on the path and
he went and trod on it. I said "What did you do that for?" He said "I dont like
bees. Never have done"
I told him he would go without honey for a week
cos bees make honey.
Just then his Grandma came out the back door an trod
on a cockroach.
He looked up at me and said "Are you gonna tell her
Grandad or shall I?"
told the old one about "what do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?
Throw your washing in."
Anyway a guy comes over and says " I take offence
at that joke. My brother is epileptic and he died when he had a fit in the bath"
I apologised profusely and asked " Did he drown?"
"No" the bloke said "
He choked on a sock"
Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their
hands if they too are Liverpool
fans.
Everyone in the class raises their
hand except one little
girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with
surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your
hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she
replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked,
'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan
of?'
'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of
it,' Mary
replied.
The teacher could not believe her
ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Chelsea
fan?'
'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan,
and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan
too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an
obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Chelsea
fan.
You don't have
to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a Lady of
the night and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be
then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool
fan.
next door was running round the garden waving a pretend wand and shouting out
spells.
"I bet you really want to be like Harry Potter, don't you?" I asked
him.
"Yeah!" he shouted excitedly.
So I killed his parents and locked
him under the stairs.
quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where
do women
mostly have curly hair?
Apparently, the correct answer is
Africa
I said "After the football love". She said "You do realise you can record it don't you?"
I said "Nice, you get the camcorder set up and I'll be upstairs as soon as the footy's finished".
Police in Liverpool last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200
semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 20 tonnes of heroin, £5
million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes, all in
a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Toxteth.
Local residents were stunned and a community spokesman said:
"We're all shocked, we never knew we had a library."
I've got into astronomy recently so I installed a skylight. The people in the flat above me are furious.
A
golfer playing in Ireland hooked his
drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,
he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,
a big bump on his head and the golfer's
ball
beside him.
Horrified, the golfer
got his water bottle from
the cart and
poured it over the little guy, reviving
him.
'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun
asked.
'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf
ball,' the golfer says.
Oh, I see. Well,
ye got me fair and square.
Ye get three
wishes, so whaddya want?'
'Thank God,
you're all right!' the golfer
answers in
relief. 'I don't want anything,
I'm just
glad you're OK, and I apologize.'
And the
golfer walks off.
'What a nice guy,' the
Leprechaun says to himself.
I have to do
something for him. I'll give him
the three
things I would want... a great golf game,
all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex
life.'
A year goes by and the golfer is
back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad
drive into
the woods and the Leprechaun is
there waiting for him.
'Twas me that made
ye hit the ball here,
the little guy
says. 'I just want to ask ye,
how's yer
golf game?'
'My game is fantastic!' the
golfer answers.
I'm an internationally
famous golfer now.'
He adds, 'By the way,
it's good to see you're
all right.'
>
'Oh, I'm fine
now, thank ye. I did that fer yer
golf
game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money
situation?' 'Why, it's
just wonderful!' the golfer states.
'When I
need cash, I just reach in my pocket
and
pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'
'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex
life?'
The golfer blushes, turns his head
away in embarrassment,
and says shyly,
'It's OK.'
C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the
Leprechaun,'I'm wanting to know if I did a
good job.
How many times a week?'
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then
whispers,
'Once, sometimes twice a
week.'
'What??' responds the Leprechaun in
shock.
'That's all? Only once or twice a
week?'
'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure
that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small
parish.
Not really, she'd love this!
It is a slow day in a little Greek Village.
The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.
Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a 100 Euro note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the 100 Euro note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the 100 Euro note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the 100 Euro note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.
The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services"
on credit.
The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the 100 Euro note.
The hotel proprietor then places the 100 Euro note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the 100 Euro note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything.
No one earned anything.
However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works.