Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming? " She was a bit taken aback when I replied , "Facebook".
I was laying on the bed with my wife when she leant over and whispered in my ear, "I want something thats twelve inches long and full of spunk". So I reached under the bed and threw an old sock at her.
A man and his wife were sitting in a pub having a quiet drink. The man sighed and said "I love you more than anything else in world". "Is that you or the beer talking?" asked the wife. "I was talking to the beer" the husband replied!
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter. One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter". The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
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his new apartment to a couple of his friends.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"YUP, it is" replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied.
He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment...
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
"You IDIOT! It's THREE-FIFTEEN in the MORNING!"
"It's great, he can almost string a sentence together" said Fabrice........
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Whoops.... sorry i thought this was the copy and paste from Sickipedia thread
Simon Cowell's knob!
95% replied, "what the hell are you doing in here?"
The bastards sent me a hat.
"Yes" says the other...."But not as whiskey as a bank wobbery".
So I reached under the bed and threw an old sock at her.
The Ref V Orient
Neither of them were funny...........................
"Is that you or the beer talking?" asked the wife.
"I was talking to the beer" the husband replied!
"Do you want anything brought back, love?"
"Yeah, can you get me an April Fools card?" I asked.
She's not come back yet...
Husband texts back:"pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back: "computer completely f**ked now."
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
They both had strong accents so I said "Hi, are you two girls from Scotland ?"
One of them chirped "It's WALES you f**king idiot !!!"
So I immediately apologized and said "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?"