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Jokes..

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    Q. How do you know when your sister's having her period?

    A. Your dad's knob tastes funny!

    Taxi !!!
    I've just been banned from the smoking area at work for teling everyone this !!!

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    sickipediabot ‏@sickipediabot
    I've just cooked the best breakfast ever, I fully expect John Terry to show up and take all the credit......... And fuck my wife.
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    I took the wife to a dance at the weekend and there was a guy there giving it large on the dance floor. The wife said 'see him there, 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down'. I said 'looks like he's still f*cking celebrating!'

    Can't believe my best mate has just died of severe heartburn.....Gav is gone

    Man says to his wife 'our sex life is getting stale and boring, do you wanna play the rape game'. NO WAY! she says....he replied 'that's the f*cking spirit love'
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    I've just cooked the best breakfast ever, I fully expect John Terry to show up and take all the credit......... And fuck my wife
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    The FA have just announced that Duran Duran are to release the official Euro 2012 song "His name is Rio and he watches from the stand".

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    I tried some of that erotic suffocation lark on the wife when we were having sex the other night. She obviously didn't go much on it as she's being laying there for 3 days now giving me the silent treatment.
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    A man invited his workmate back for tea. The wife screams at him "I've not done my hair, not done my make-up, not done any housework, not done the dishes and I can't be bothered to cook tonight. Why the hell have you invited him round?"

    Man replies "Because he's thinking of getting married".............................
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    I tried some of that erotic suffocation lark on the wife when we were having sex the other night. She obviously didn't go much on it as she's being laying there for 3 days now giving me the silent treatment.
    quality!
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    Me and the wife were in the shopping centre earlier and as we went round a corner we bumped into a gaggle of scantily clad young girls coming out of New Look. "Phwoarr" i said to the wife pointing out a gorgeous young lass of about 20. "I bet you'd love to have legs like her". She didn't respond but i could tell she was upset. She was still sobbing her heart out as i wheeled her up the ramp into Debenhams.
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    Audley Harrison is fighting tonight
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    Audley Harrison is fighting tonight
    Funniest joke so far...........................
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    Just got back from Thailand, and came that close to shaggin' a ladyboy.Looked like a woman, spoke like a woman, walked like a woman and kissed like a woman.
    It was only when she drove me back to her place and reversed into a narrow parking space,
    in the dark, with no problem,
    I thought.....just a minute!
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    Audley Harrison is fighting tonight
    Funniest joke so far...........................

    I thought so
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    A little girl goes to the barbers' shop with her Dad. She stands next to the chair while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie". She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs, too".
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    Ford have just bought out their latest model. It's called the Ford Pubic. It's made out of old Corsairs
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    Latest Euro 2012 news . . . Englands training camp has been disrupted by more monkey chanting. John Tery has been warned, once more and you're going home !!!
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    Dead Penguins - I never knew this!

    Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ? Where do they go?

    Wonder no more ! ! !
    It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

    If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

    The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

    "Freeze a jolly good fellow."
    "Freeze a jolly good fellow."

    Then, they kick him in the ice hole.



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    An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

    As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

    COLD BEER: $5.00
    HAMBURGER: $10.00
    CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
    CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50
    HAND JOB: $250.00

    Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

    She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

    “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help you sir?”

    The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”

    She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”

    The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, “Well then, be sure to wash your hands properly, because I want a cheeseburger.”







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    David Cameron walks into a pub and forgets his daughter.. the end
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    edited June 2012
    The England team visited an orphange today in Poland, "it's horrible to see their sad faces with little or no hope"..........................said Igor aged 6
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    An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

    As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

    COLD BEER: $5.00
    HAMBURGER: $10.00
    CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
    CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50
    HAND JOB: $250.00

    Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

    She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

    “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help you sir?”

    The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”

    She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”

    The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, “Well then, be sure to wash your hands properly, because I want a cheeseburger.”







    This really made me laugh !
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    An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

    As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

    COLD BEER: $5.00
    HAMBURGER: $10.00
    CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
    CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50
    HAND JOB: $250.00

    Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

    She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

    “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help you sir?”

    The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”

    She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”

    The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, “Well then, be sure to wash your hands properly, because I want a cheeseburger.”







    This really made me laugh !


    I'm here all week!

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    I just got fired from my job with the Samaritans.

    A guy called Abdul phoned and said, "I'm lying on the railway track waiting for the train to come".

    I said, "Remain calm and stay on the line" . . .
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    The wife's pissed off with me again... Last night while she was asleep I swapped her tampax for a party popper...

    Honestly! No fucking sense of humour whatsoever!
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    My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.

    It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she
    wanted to rent her spare room out!!
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    My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.

    It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she
    wanted to rent her spare room out!!
    Trousers round your ankles, you could rent her spare room out for 30 seconds.
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    Hassan and Habib are beggars.

    They beg in different areas of Sydney .

    Habib begs just as long as Hassan but only collects $2 to $3 every day.

    Hassan brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 notes, drives a Mercedes,

    lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.


    Habib says to Hassan, 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how

    do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day?'


    Hassan says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say ?'


    Habib's sign reads; 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.


    Hassan says, 'No wonder you only get $2- $3 !'


    Habib says... 'So what does your sign say ?'


    Hassan shows Habib his sign....

    It reads: 'I only need another $10 to move back to Pakistan .'
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    Did you hear about the Irish pilot who crashed his helicopter?
    He got cold so he turned off the fan.
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    The Greeks have run out of hummus & taramasalata. It's a double dip recession!
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    was walking down the road the other day and this bloke on a tractor went past shouting "the end is nigh, the end is nigh".

    I think it was Farmer Geddon.
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