I ordered a sex-toy off the internet, a custom made scale replica of my wife's vagina. On the day it was due to be delivered I sat anxiously at my window, waiting for my postman. After what felt like forever, he came struggling down my path with a big tatty box in his hands, all dented with the flaps torn and blowing around in the breeze. I thought they would've at least wrapped it.
My wife walked in to find me having sex with a can of corned beef. "You said you were at work", she screamed. "I was" I replied, "I was in a meat tin".
Had a blinding firms Christmas do on Friday night, yeah good old DJ an all. I twisted to The Twist, jumped to Jump, then got asked to leave after Cum On Eileen........
On behalf of Channel 4 may I thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new reality show. Also the charming photograph you enclosed.Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected, I would point out that the correct title of the series is actually "Fact Hunt".
Was down the gym recently, working out on the rowing machine and the weights In came a gorgeous, shapely 18 year old blonde: leotard, no bra, nails, make up, red lippy I said to my trainer 'what machine do you think is her favourite' He looked at me and replied: 'In your case, make it the cash machine'
Went a blinding fancy dress party last weekend! There was a massive fight there though, some geezer dressed in a Wheres Wally costume took a right old pasting, then it took the paramedics half hour to find him!
A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.' 'What does that mean?' asked the child. 'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.' The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.' He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.' The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'
The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
Female athlete goes to the doctor. "I´ve been taking steroids & seem to have grown a willy". "Anabolic" asks the doctor. "No just a willy" says the athlete.
A sinner went to confession, 'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.' The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.
Soon thereafter, another sinner entered the confessional.
'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.' this time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?' 'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied. 'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'
The wide-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,
'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'
Getting ready for bed last night, me wife stopped and looked at her naked body in the mirror, "I'm fat and going wrinkly, my tits are down by my belly button and my arse is sagging! Please can you pay me a compliment?!" she said, "Your eyes are working perfectly!" I replied.
Female athlete goes to the doctor. "I´ve been taking steroids & seem to have grown a willy". "Anabolic" asks the doctor. "No just a willy" says the athlete.
Comments
"You said you were at work", she screamed.
"I was" I replied, "I was in a meat tin".
On behalf of Channel 4 may I thank you for your
application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new reality show. Also the charming photograph you enclosed.Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution
to the program if selected, I would point out that the
correct title of the series is actually "Fact Hunt".
Kind regards
Channel 4.
In came a gorgeous, shapely 18 year old blonde: leotard, no bra, nails, make up, red lippy
I said to my trainer 'what machine do you think is her favourite'
He looked at me and replied: 'In your case, make it the cash machine'
kangeroo is an austrialan animal and a kangeroot is a geordie stuck in a lift..
Father replies "Son all domestic appliances come in white!"
"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yoghurt."
"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yoghurt."
around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take
Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog
was on the heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside
with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but
keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog
on the leash..
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'
The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round
the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
"I´ve been taking steroids & seem to have grown a willy".
"Anabolic" asks the doctor.
"No just a willy" says the athlete.
She's crap at snooker!!
I picked up a pebble and tossed it in the ocean. "The beach has lost a stone," I said. "Can you see a difference?"
A sinner went to confession,
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.
Soon thereafter, another sinner entered the confessional.
'Father, it has been two months since my last confession.
I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.' this time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.
The eyes of every man fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.
Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'
The wide-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,
'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'