A man approaches a young woman in a shop. He says "I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?" The woman says "Sure, but do you have any idea where your wife is?" "Not a clue," he says, "but whenever I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere!"
My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a "roger". It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles and my cock out, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!
3 plymouth fans got on my bus today at sittingbourne station, they asked me to let them know when i was at the nearest bus stop to the preistfield. once on lower canterbury street i told the lads to get off and simply follow the crowds.. 2 hrs later i picked them up from the same stop and they were livid, they missed the whole match and spent the afternoon in the local methadone clinic..
Ever since I swallowed a watch I've been keeping myself busy taking laxitives, eating lots of fruit and drinking prune juice. Anything to pass the time.
Millwall have announced travel details for their upcoming trip to Wembley, 3000 will Make the journey by coach and car, 2500 will go by train, and 45000 will be jumping on the bandwagon!
Fella goes into a pub and orders a pint Up comes the beer. The drinker studies his drink. 'How many barrels a day do you sell here guv ?' asks the customer 'Oooh, 'bout thirty' says the guvnor 'Tell you how to sell forty' says the drinker 'Go on' says the bartender, 'tell me' 'Fill the fecking glass to the line' says the customer
In the frozen Yukon there is a knock on William's cabin door and a giant Swede, Sven enters. 'Hi I'm from the next valley and I thought you might like to come to a party on Saturday. There'll be plenty of booze, plenty of sex and plenty of fighting'. 'Great' says William 'how many are coming?' 'Just you'
I just did an on line recruitment interview for the Police. Q What woud you do if you had to arrest the wife? A. Call for back up. Don t think I will get the job!
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home,having a drink and a smoke,when it starts to rain.Jane pulls out a condom,cuts off the end,puts it over the cigarette and continues smoking. Arlene :What the hell is that? Jane. :A condom.This way my cigarette does't get wet Arlene :Where did you get it? Jane :You get them from any pharmacy.
The next day,Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.The pharmacist,obviously embarrassed,looks at her kind of strangely (she is,after all,over 80 years of age),but very delicately asks what brand of condon she prefers.
'Does not matter Sonny,as long as it fits on a Camel.'
Old Joe in the old peoples home always sat next to Agnes, as she would hold his willy to give him a thrill. One day a new lady arrives - Joan - and lo and behold when Agnes comes into the day room the next day she sees old Joe next to Joan, and no doubt reckons under the blanket she has her hand on his willy. Agnes marches straight up to Old Joe and demands "So what has Agnes got that I havent" Quick as a flash old Joe replies - Parkinsons !!
Comments
Sorry
ACCOUNTANT NEEDED!
£35,000 - £40,000
So I phoned them up and said, "The answer is -£5,000."
Two accountants had both done well at interview and were given a tie breaker question. What is 1+1?.
The first said 2.
The one that got the job said " what do you want it make?"
The woman says "Sure, but do you have any idea where your wife is?"
"Not a clue," he says, "but whenever I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere!"
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles and my cock out, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!
The Barman says,
"£2 for a pint and £7 for a Pitcher"
Paddy replied
" i'll have a pint, FC#K the photo"!!!!
"Sure, I'll have a beer", I replied.
I knocked on my neighbours door this morning and said, "Can you have my children? I'll be no longer than a few minutes, I promise."
"Sure," she replied,
I said, "Great, get your knickers off then."
I said no, but if I do I'll give her one.
Up comes the beer. The drinker studies his drink. 'How many barrels a day do you sell here guv ?' asks the customer
'Oooh, 'bout thirty' says the guvnor
'Tell you how to sell forty' says the drinker
'Go on' says the bartender, 'tell me'
'Fill the fecking glass to the line' says the customer
"No," he replied.
"Thought not," I said, "I'll have a large Big Mac meal with a Coke please."
A. The grip.
Come on man .. pull yourself together
Often pop into the garden for a quick drag.
'Hi I'm from the next valley and I thought you might like to come to a party on Saturday. There'll be plenty of booze, plenty of sex and plenty of fighting'.
'Great' says William 'how many are coming?'
'Just you'
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home,having a drink and a smoke,when it starts to rain.Jane pulls out a condom,cuts off the end,puts it over the cigarette and continues smoking.
Arlene :What the hell is that?
Jane. :A condom.This way my cigarette does't get wet
Arlene :Where did you get it?
Jane :You get them from any pharmacy.
The next day,Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.The pharmacist,obviously embarrassed,looks at her kind of strangely (she is,after all,over 80 years of age),but very delicately asks what brand of condon she prefers.
'Does not matter Sonny,as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
One day a new lady arrives - Joan - and lo and behold when Agnes comes into the day room the next day she sees old Joe next to Joan, and no doubt reckons under the blanket she has her hand on his willy.
Agnes marches straight up to Old Joe and demands "So what has Agnes got that I havent"
Quick as a flash old Joe replies - Parkinsons !!