She's devastated. She hears that there's a wise monk who lives up in a mountain. She decides to consult him.
After a few days of travelling, she meets the wise monk. "I spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to taking care of him. And now he has left me for another woman. I don't know what to do".
The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks: "Was the cookie delicious?"Yes"- she answers. "Do you want another one?" "Sure".
The monk looks her in the eye and says "Do you see the problem now?"
The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speaks. *"I guess human nature is greedy. You get one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever. Everything is finite. We should be aware of this and not be disappointed ".*
The monk shakes his head. "No, I mean stop eating biscuits you fat cunt.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, he said, "I've come to..." "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." 'Have you really?" Said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!" "Well, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot!" Gasped Mrs. Smith. "In my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" Asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" Said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. "Yes", the photographer replied, "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh .. . . .equipment?"
"It's true, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for very long."
A convicted murderer escapes from prison after spending 25 years inside. While on the run, he breaks into a house and ties up a young couple who have been sleeping in the bedroom. He ties the man to a chair on one side of the room and ties the woman to the bed. He gets on the bed right over the woman, and appears to be kissing her neck. Suddenly he gets up and leaves the room, though not the house.
As soon as possible the husband makes his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispers “Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing your neck. Just co-operate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don’t fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it! Be strong and I love you”
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half-naked wife says “Darling, I’m so relieved you feel that way. You’re right, he hasn’t seen a woman in years, but he wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you’re really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you too”
I prefer the version where the blind man is waiting for a bus, and a family come along with a dozen kids
Bus turns up, and there isnt room for either the blind man or the husband.
The two decide to walk, and the Husband gets annoyed by the tapping:
Husband: "It would be better if you had a rubber on the end of your stick" Blind Man: "If you had put a rubber on the end of your stick, we wouldnt be walking"
Times are hard for people on disability benefit at the moment aren't they? I've got a friend who's a dwarf and he's struggling to put food on the table.
I'd forgotten about this - it popped up on Facebook as a memory from 4 years ago. It was in the "USA Today" paper. I think maybe they needed to try harder with the graphics.
Comments
A englishman, frenchman and jewish man sit down after a long day at work
"I am tired and thirsty" said the englishman, "i must have beer!"
"I am tired and thirsty" said the frenchman, "I must have wine!"
"I am tired and thirsty" said the jewish man, "I must have diabetes!".
One says 'it's hot in here!'
The other one says 'a talking sausage!!!!!!'.
As soon as possible the husband makes his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispers “Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing your neck. Just co-operate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don’t fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it! Be strong and I love you”
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half-naked wife says “Darling, I’m so relieved you feel that way. You’re right, he hasn’t seen a woman in years, but he wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you’re really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you too”
Bus turns up, and there isnt room for either the blind man or the husband.
The two decide to walk, and the Husband gets annoyed by the tapping:
Husband: "It would be better if you had a rubber on the end of your stick"
Blind Man: "If you had put a rubber on the end of your stick, we wouldnt be walking"
I've got a friend who's a dwarf and he's struggling to put food on the table.
Whenever I ask anyone, all I get told is: "Its Private"
That's because when they return to port they can Scan-der-navy-in.