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  • Below are words altered by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter to supply a new definition.

    1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

    2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

    3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.

    4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

    5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

    6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

    7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

    8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

    9. Inoculatte:  To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

    10.  Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

    11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

    12. Decafalon(n):The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

    13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

    14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

    15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed  just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

    16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

    17. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


    And the following are alternate meanings for common words.

    1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

    2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

    3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

    4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

    5. Willy-nilly, adj.  Impotent.

    6. Negligent, adj. Absent mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

    7. Lymph, v. To walk with a  lisp.

    8. Gargoyle, n. Olive flavoured  mouthwash.

    9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

    10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

    11. Testicle, n.  A humorous question on an exam.

    12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

    13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

    14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

    15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

    16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish  men.

  • My Grandfather downed over 30 German planes during World War Two

    He was the worst mechanic in the entire Luftwaffe
  • limeygent said:

    She asked me if she would be the first girl I slept with. I said, if we sleep, yes. 
  • Taxi_Lad said:
    Apparently last night German Police stopped about 500 West Ham fans with flares before their Europa league clash with Frankfurt.

    Turned out they were the same flares they were wearing the last time they won a trophy.
    It’s a good job we don’t wear the clobber from when we won our last trophy.
  • Taxi_Lad said:
    Apparently last night German Police stopped about 500 West Ham fans with flares before their Europa league clash with Frankfurt.

    Turned out they were the same flares they were wearing the last time they won a trophy.
    It’s a good job we don’t wear the clobber from when we won our last trophy.
    I don't think I can still get into my school uniform
  • edited May 2022
    Taxi_Lad said:
    Apparently last night German Police stopped about 500 West Ham fans with flares before their Europa league clash with Frankfurt.

    Turned out they were the same flares they were wearing the last time they won a trophy.
    It’s a good job we don’t wear the clobber from when we won our last trophy.
    Put on weight since 2019 have you? ;) 

    We've won four trophies in the last twenty four years 
  • Taxi_Lad said:
    Apparently last night German Police stopped about 500 West Ham fans with flares before their Europa league clash with Frankfurt.

    Turned out they were the same flares they were wearing the last time they won a trophy.
    It’s a good job we don’t wear the clobber from when we won our last trophy.
    Put on weight since 2019 have you? ;) 

    We've won four trophies in the last twenty four years 
    We’ve won one trophy of note, all the rest are just window dressing. 
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  • edited May 2022
    Taxi_Lad said:
    Apparently last night German Police stopped about 500 West Ham fans with flares before their Europa league clash with Frankfurt.

    Turned out they were the same flares they were wearing the last time they won a trophy.
    It’s a good job we don’t wear the clobber from when we won our last trophy.
    Put on weight since 2019 have you? ;) 

    We've won four trophies in the last twenty four years 
    We’ve won one trophy of note, all the rest are just window dressing. 
    Two Play-Off trophies, two league titles..

    Didnt say anything about them being major trophies. 
  • When passing a busty lady you can say 'tits like coconuts....sparrows like a piece of apple'.
  • The Geography of a Woman as she ages: 

    Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . 
    Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

    Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. 
    Well developed and open to trade, especially 
    for someone of real value.

    Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. 
    Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

    Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece. 
    Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

    Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain. 
    With a glorious and all conquering past.

    Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel. 
    Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, 
    and takes care of business .

    Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada. 
    Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

    After 70, she becomes Tibet.
    Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

    THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

    Between 1 and 100, a man is like North Korea and Russia.
    Ruled by a pair of nuts!
  • A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says to him:  “My dog’s cross-eyed.  Is there anything you can do for him?”

    ”Well’ says the vet “let’s have a look”

    So he picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes.

    ”I’m going to have to put him down” says the vet.

    ”Just because he’s cross-eyed?  asks the man

    ”No, because he’s heavy” says the vet.
    And I thought Tommy Cooper was dead ! 
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  • 1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....
    I don't remember what I chose.


    2 Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.


    3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.


    4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."


    5. There are only two four letter words that are offensives to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.


    6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.


    7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.


    8. Virginity can be cured.


    9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.


    10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.


    11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.


    12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.


    13. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.


    14. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

  • Groan
  • MrWalker said:
    Lots of towns have initials that are also abbreviations, take East Grinstead for example.
    Or, in an emergency, Southend-on-Sea.
  • cafcfan said:
    MrWalker said:
    Lots of towns have initials that are also abbreviations, take East Grinstead for example.
    Or, in an emergency, Southend-on-Sea.
    Southend is a city ;) 
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