Who is in favour of a return to Roman numerals? I for one.
A roman centurion walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says “five beers please”.
Another centurion walked into a bar and asked for a Martinus. The barman said, "do you mean a Martini"? "No" he responded, "If I'd have wanted a double, I'd have asked for one".
And if you want a double entendre, I'll give you one. But not you, personally, of course.
Who is in favour of a return to Roman numerals? I for one.
A roman centurion walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says “five beers please”.
Surely it should be "holds up V fingers", no?
No.
If he just holds up any two fingers, it doesn’t work. He’s got to hold up the “Churchill” fingers, hence V.
Try having a go at sticking two fingers up that that aren't index and middle. Not as easy say it sounds, is it? Unless it's a Vulcan Centurion it just ain't gonna happen.
Who is in favour of a return to Roman numerals? I for one.
A roman centurion walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says “five beers please”.
Surely it should be "holds up V fingers", no?
No.
If he just holds up any two fingers, it doesn’t work. He’s got to hold up the “Churchill” fingers, hence V.
Try having a go at sticking two fingers up that that aren't index and middle. Not as easy say it sounds, is it? Unless it's a Vulcan Centurion it just ain't gonna happen.
Jim leans over and asks his wife….
"Do you remember the first time we had sex over sixty years ago behind that back fence over there?"
"I remember it well." She says.
He says….
"How about taking a stroll over there, and we can do it again for old time's sake?"
She says …
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer over-heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks, I’ll keep an eye on these two.
So he follows them.
The elderly couple hobbled slowly to the fence with their walking sticks.
Finally, they reach the fence and the old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious, animated sex the policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed and wants to know their secret.
He waits, and after an hour lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
As the couple passes the policeman says …
"Excuse me, but that was something else! What’s your secret?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply.
"Sixty years ago, that wasn't an electric fence".
Who is in favour of a return to Roman numerals? I for one.
A roman centurion walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says “five beers please”.
Surely it should be "holds up V fingers", no?
No.
If he just holds up any two fingers, it doesn’t work. He’s got to hold up the “Churchill” fingers, hence V.
Try having a go at sticking two fingers up that that aren't index and middle. Not as easy say it sounds, is it? Unless it's a Vulcan Centurion it just ain't gonna happen.
Try the middle finger of each hand. That's two although it probably sends the wrong message.
A lipreader has just revealed what HRH Wills Cambridge was saying to the England players at the Euros Final presentation at Wembley last Sunday HRH "which one of you was calling me Bobby Moore? Tell me or I'll be sending Uncle Andy round"
A lipreader has just revealed what HRH Wills Cambridge was saying to the England players at the Euros Final presentation at Wembley last Sunday HRH "which one of you was calling me Bobby Moore? Tell me or I'll be sending Uncle Andy round"
Teacher "Johnny, you live on a farm. Answer me this. If you've got 30 sheep in a field and one gets through the hedge to the next field, how many have you got left?"
Johnny. "None, Miss"
Teacher " No Johnny, you've got 29"
Johnny "Miss you might know a lot about maths, but you know fuck all about sheep".
Husband and wife have been married 35 years and husband has always asked that his wife never look in the safe in his office
One day whilst cleaning she noticed the safe was unlocked and curiosity got the better of her and she took a peek inside.
Later that evening she confronted him. ”I’m sorry I looked in your safe, I know I shouldn’t have and I’m really sorry but I have to ask, why was there £10k in cash and 3 eggs?”
Rather embarrassingly the husband started to explain ”My dear wife, I’m the one that is sorry. Each time I’ve been unfaithful to you I have placed an egg in the safe”
Although shocked and saddened the wife thinks that 3 times in 35 years isn’t so bad and told her husband she can forgive his indiscretions but asked “what about the £10k?”
The husband said ”Well…. Every time I’ve got a dozen eggs I’ve sold them. That’s were the money came from!”
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any undies?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she too is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no undies. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency,
here's £10. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie!
Where the are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says,
"Well, fer the love 'o Jesus, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit!"
Comments
I don't care if you're a remainer or a swivel-eyed loon, sorry, I meant Brexiteer, you have to admit this is fecking funny.
HRH "which one of you was calling me Bobby Moore? Tell me or I'll be sending Uncle Andy round"
These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation:
*. Since my last report this employee has reached rock bottom. .. and has started to dig
*. His men would follow him anywhere. .. but only out of morbid curiosity
*. I would not allow this employee to breed
*. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet
*. He would be out of his depth in a parking-lot puddle
*. This young lady has delusions of adequacy
*. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot
*. He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless
*. He would argue with a signpost
*. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change
*. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled
One day whilst cleaning she noticed the safe was unlocked and curiosity got the better of her and she took a peek inside.
”I’m sorry I looked in your safe, I know I shouldn’t have and I’m really sorry but I have to ask, why was there £10k in cash and 3 eggs?”
Rather embarrassingly the husband started to explain
”My dear wife, I’m the one that is sorry. Each time I’ve been unfaithful to you I have placed an egg in the safe”
Although shocked and saddened the wife thinks that 3 times in 35 years isn’t so bad and told her husband she can forgive his indiscretions but asked “what about the £10k?”
The husband said ”Well…. Every time I’ve got a dozen eggs I’ve sold them. That’s were the money came from!”
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any undies?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no undies. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency,
"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie!
Leave voters, Tory voters or racists?