Fella driving a van load of monkeys to the Zoo gets a puncture on the way. As luck would have it, whiles he's waiting on the side of the road for the recovery truck he spots Paddy driving towards him in an empty van. He flags him down. "Paddy. I'll give you £50 if you take these monkeys to the Zoo for me" "No problem" says Paddy, so they switch the monkeys over to Paddy's van and off he goes.
3 hours pass and the recovery truck still hasn't appeared. The fella notices Paddy's van heading back towards him with the monkeys still on the back. He angrily flags him over. "Paddy. I gave you £50 to take the monkeys to the zoo!" "I did" replies Paddy. "But I had a few quid left over, so now we're off the the cinema!"
Fella driving a van load of monkeys to the Zoo gets a puncture on the way. As luck would have it, whiles he's waiting on the side of the road for the recovery truck he spots Paddy driving towards him in an empty van. He flags him down. "Paddy. I'll give you £50 if you take these monkeys to the Zoo for me" "No problem" says Paddy, so they switch the monkeys over to Paddy's van and off he goes.
3 hours pass and the recovery truck still hasn't appeared. The fella notices Paddy's van heading back towards him with the monkeys still on the back. He angrily flags him over. "Paddy. I gave you £50 to take the monkeys to the zoo!" "I did" replies Paddy. "But I had a few quid left over, so now we're off the the cinema!"
That joke is so old it used to be about sabertooth tigers.
Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar they are dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms. The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he’s unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of “One, two, three … Huh” all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first “How did it go?”
The first whispers back, “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get an erection”.
The second dwarf shakes his head.
”You think that’s embarrassing.? I couldn’t even get on the bed!”
A traffic cop pulls alongside a speeding car on the motorway.. Glancing at the car, he is astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel is knitting! Realising that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the cop cranks down his window, turns on his bullhorn and yells “Pull over!”
A blonde gets a dent in her car and takes it to a repair shop. The panel beater, noticing that the woman is blonde, decides to have a wee bit of fun. So he tells her that all she has to do is take her car home and blow in the exhaust pipe until the dent pops itself out.
So the blonde goes home and gives it a try. After 15 minutes of this the blonde’s friend, also a blonde, comes over and asks what she is doing.
”I’m trying to pop out this dent, but it’s not really working”
Who is in favour of a return to Roman numerals? I for one.
A roman centurion walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says “five beers please”.
Another centurion walked into a bar and asked for a Martinus. The barman said, "do you mean a Martini"? "No" he responded, "If I'd have wanted a double, I'd have asked for one".
Who is in favour of a return to Roman numerals? I for one.
A roman centurion walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says “five beers please”.
Another centurion walked into a bar and asked for a Martinus. The barman said, "do you mean a Martini"? "No" he responded, "If I'd have wanted a double, I'd have asked for one".
A fat centurion decided that he needed to lose weight. After a few weeks, he was delighted. "My toga size has gone from L to XL", he said.
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He flags him down.
"Paddy. I'll give you £50 if you take these monkeys to the Zoo for me"
"No problem" says Paddy, so they switch the monkeys over to Paddy's van and off he goes.
3 hours pass and the recovery truck still hasn't appeared. The fella notices Paddy's van heading back towards him with the monkeys still on the back.
He angrily flags him over. "Paddy. I gave you £50 to take the monkeys to the zoo!"
"I did" replies Paddy. "But I had a few quid left over, so now we're off the the cinema!"
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first “How did it go?”
The first whispers back, “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get an erection”.
The second dwarf shakes his head.
”You think that’s embarrassing.? I couldn’t even get on the bed!”
”No’ the blonde yells back. “It’s a scarf”
A Russian, an American, and a blonde are talking one day. The Russian says “We were the first in space”.
The American says “We were the first on the moon!”
The blonde says, “So what, we’re going to be the first on the sun!”
The Russian and the American look at each other and shake their heads.
”You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up” says the Russian.
The blonde replies, “We’re not stupid, you know. We’ll go at night”
So the blonde goes home and gives it a try. After 15 minutes of this the blonde’s friend, also a blonde, comes over and asks what she is doing.
”I’m trying to pop out this dent, but it’s not really working”
”Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!”
Two lawyers go into a cafe and order two drinks. Then they get out their sandwiches and start to eat.
The waiter becomes quite concerned and marches over and tells them “You can't eat your own sandwiches in here”.
The lawyers look at each other, shrug their shoulders and exchange sandwiches.
"No" he responded, "If I'd have wanted a double, I'd have asked for one".