He has no sponsors he is on a marriage visa which financially is based on her income. It got turned down the first time because she wasn't earning enough but she's in a better paid job now so its gone through. If they split up before 2 years his visa is void if they split up after 2 years but before 10 years he has to reapply to stay for different reasons such as if they had a child. (Which they won't) or if he is in a career where he is valuable. If they split after 10 years he is fine to stay. I think this is all correct but I'm not 100%.
Just read this thread for the first time. Having seen her picture, I'd like to ask you to tell your mum if its a toyboy she wants, I'm the right side of forty, fit as fuck, hung like a donkey, intelligent and funny.
On a serious note, I'm currently going through the same sort of thing, but with my 'real' dad -who appeared back on the scene a few years ago and has now managed to insert himself into my mum's retirement to Spain, despite never having worked a day in his life and not contributing a penny to the cost of the apartment they're living in.
At some point, no doubt, it will all get too much for me and I'll fly out there and feed him his own intestines. At the moment, I'm gritting my teeth and getting on with it.
I feel your pain. Ponces truly are the lowest form of the low.
I had forgotten about this situation and I have to say I feel for the guy. Do you have a set date in mind when you can accept that he is a nice guy? I note that after ten years he can stay in his own right - if he stays beyond that point will you be satisfied?
What are your grounds on assuming he is a nice guy? If you'd read my previous posts you'd see that I have decided to be nice so that she can't blame anyone else for him doing one!
It is possible that he is a nice guy that genuinely fell in love with a woman 22 years older than him riddled with osteoporosis and arthritis, it is possible that he only wants to come to the uk for reasons of love. It is possible that the gifts and money he has taken from her has been for unselfish reasons that he absolutely needed them, it is possible that he has no idea that she has got herself thousands of pounds in debt to keep their hopes alive and that the only reason he has made no effort or attempt to meet, talk to or contact any of her friends or family is because he is shy. How could I be so insensitive to this poor boy? I guess I really am selfish! I'll go out right now and buy a late wedding present...
I've had a similar experience, myself being the devious, nasty, predatory slimeball. Being 36 years older than my victim (others words not mine) I was fair game for beatings, hacked emails, continual threats etc. Her family told everyone I was a criminal, rapist, drug dealer and anything else they could dream up. My first impression of my new gf was that at 20 years of age she couldn't hold a knife and fork...it took me two weeks to correct this. Partially sighted, autistic and dyspraxic obviously meant it wasn't worth bothering with her. She was intelligent and talented and wanted a near normal life, and within a few hours of knowing her it was obvious she needed saving from the negativity which surrounded her. We are now ten years on, her sisters conventional same age relationships have gone tits up...I'm still with her, it hasn't been easy but I kept my promise that I'd always care for her.
After 7 years of severance from her family we are now in contact as her father is terminally ill. Her whole family were shocked by my gf's appearence, confidence, social skills, career etc. I think they've realized that she has had a pretty good life with me and that I might have had something to do with this.
I'm certainly not a saint but I didn't deserve what was said about me and done to me.
ps. We've forgiven her family for the lies and the violent stuff but will never forgive the email hacking.
@maybe_baby your situation of acceptance is somewhat different. You met someone fell in love and took them under your wing, admirable. I Am glad things have worked out for you both.
If my mum met and fell in love with someone 20 years either side of her That she spent lots of time with and got to know properly and didn't get herself into lots of debt over, I would of course be happy for her and give him the benefit of the doubt. It's just in this situation she spent all of 25 days in his company before getting married therefore doesn't know him that well and has had to pay for everything when she can't afford it and he managed to talk her out of every other option too. Last year when I started this thread she had only just started spouting this 'love' rubbish after knowing him for weeks and spending only 9 days with him, I was worried and doubted myself that I was being unfair, however now I know in my heart I was right to be worried, as stated above it is like a pending train crash that I am powerless to stop. I hope that the few of you that are optimistic are right but I doubt it. I'll update after I've met him which will probably be very soon he is expected to fly out next week, when of course she sends him the money.
sj...I always look for the good in people, I can't help it. The question is, where is the point where concern turns into control. Advocating violence and reading others words of love cannot in any way be condoned. I fully understand where you are coming from but CL is not the font of wisdom and hate breeds hate then before you know it mob mentality rules. I am not a believer in conventional love or romance, the fact that the majority of women fall in love at the time of ovulation is a fact of nature, nothing more. At 50 there is more than a chance that your mums love for this guy is a pure one, as at that age ovulation is not going to mess with anyone's head. The bottom line is that if I were your mum I'd be devastated to know that my private affairs were being discussed on a football forum. You have my sympathy being stuck between a rock and a hard place as you both stand to lose your dignity. I genuinely hope this is resolved without that happening.
...At 50 there is more than a chance that your mums love for this guy is a pure one, as at that age ovulation is not going to mess with anyone's head...
I don't think anyone is doubting Sadiejane's Mum's feelings. It's the intentions of the other party that seem to be hugely questionable.
Funny enough mb she knows about this thread she also knows I hacked her Facebook I have been upfront and honest with her and have told her exactly how I feel. She has cried and cried in front of me because she is scared that we are going to scare him away I don't like to see her cry, I certainly don't like to be the one to cause it but I am a straight up honest person (sometimes too honest) I am not a bitch I would never say anything about anyone that I wouldn't say to them. The reason I started this thread is because it is good to get wisdom dnd advice from other people and to sometimes vent a bit, this forum has so many good hearts and clever heads, also due to my home circumstances I don't really get out much so don't really see many other people to talk to. I also find that strangers are usually more honest than friends as they don't have the emotional investment. Thanks for your input though it is good to get the optimistic as well as the pessimistic. :-)
Funny enough mb she knows about this thread she also knows I hacked her Facebook I have been upfront and honest with her and have told her exactly how I feel. She has cried and cried in front of me because she is scared that we are going to scare him away I don't like to see her cry, I certainly don't like to be the one to cause it but I am a straight up honest person (sometimes too honest) I am not a bitch I would never say anything about anyone that I wouldn't say to them. The reason I started this thread is because it is good to get wisdom dnd advice from other people and to sometimes vent a bit, this forum has so many good hearts and clever heads, also due to my home circumstances I don't really get out much so don't really see many other people to talk to. I also find that strangers are usually more honest than friends as they don't have the emotional investment. Thanks for your input though it is good to get the optimistic as well as the pessimistic. :-)
Im with NLA on this. As soon as he steps foot in the country get your brothers to really see what he's all about. If he's genuine they will be able to tell after a while, if he's not then he will shit himself and clear off.
If it was my mum, id rather she was upset/angry at me for years rather than see her get fucked over emotionally and financially.
SJ having read all through this and lots of your others posts, you strike me a level headed person. I think a bit of level headed straight to the point conversation is needed when this guy arrives. No emotion, just get all the cards on the table with some well chosen questions. Do your homework and planning. Keeping the emotion under control maybe difficult, but necessary.
Afterwards, step back then and see what happens. Don't set traps which he can fall into, but ask him to declare his intentions and what his plans are to carry them out. Put the onus on him.
Get your stall set out so there are no misunderstandings. If it goes wrong, you'll have more chance of picking your mum up afterwards.
I think it would be wrong just to let him arrive and dictate what's going to happen. You and your brothers can observe and see if he comes up with the goods.
There are several plan B's already on here, but this would be my plan A.
What are your grounds on assuming he is a nice guy? If you'd read my previous posts you'd see that I have decided to be nice so that she can't blame anyone else for him doing one!
It is possible that he is a nice guy that genuinely fell in love with a woman 22 years older than him riddled with osteoporosis and arthritis, it is possible that he only wants to come to the uk for reasons of love. It is possible that the gifts and money he has taken from her has been for unselfish reasons that he absolutely needed them, it is possible that he has no idea that she has got herself thousands of pounds in debt to keep their hopes alive and that the only reason he has made no effort or attempt to meet, talk to or contact any of her friends or family is because he is shy. How could I be so insensitive to this poor boy? I guess I really am selfish! I'll go out right now and buy a late wedding present...
I assume you deliberating mis read my post? I never said he was a nice guy, I said I felt sorry for him and wondered if you would ever accept he's a ncie guy. Apparently not.
And yes I did read that you said you were going 'nice' to him, given that you can barely write the words I imagine the act won't be fool-proof.
To me this line sums it up. "I'll update after I've met him which will probably be very soon he is expected to fly out next week". You have completely condemed him without so much as looking at him. Isn't it possible that he, through your mother has picked up this and isn't in a rush to meet you? And PS no offence intended but "I am not a bitch I would never say anything about anyone that I wouldn't say to them." I may have read this wrong and there is meant to be a comma in there but this isn't what makes someone a not a bitch. And by that I don't in anyway intend to imply that you are, just sometimes not saying the things you feel to peoples faces is the better way.
It is very difficult to be grammatically correct using an iPhone, so I'm sorry about that. Also maybe my post to you was a little bit harsh in places, but you did say you felt sorry for the guy, that I didn't mis-read. I shouldnt have spoken to you rashly though i apologise about that. As far as I can tell there isn't a single bit of evidence that says he is a nice guy, believe me I've been looking for it. As far as accepting him goes, I will be polite and as nice as possible at first I will give him the chance but I know in my heart it will end badly.
He wouldn't have read this, my mum us still protecting him from any negative views tells him that everyone is looking forward to meeting him etc, he has ways to contact all of us but has made no effort as of yet. My aunt and my brother wanted to go to the wedding, my aunt is very pro Saif she genuinely can't wait to meet him, but was still not allowed.
No problem Sadie - I totally understand that this is a difficult situation, and I am not suggesting for a moment that it wont end badly, on the balance of probability it probably will and there probably wont be anything you can do about it. It not right and it's not fair, but life rarely is. I think you are in danger of becoming so consumed with anger for the bloke that you can't be rational and that wont help at all.
My heart goes out to you SJ ,what a different world we live in.Many years ago it was parents that used to worry about who their children shacked up with,now it can also be the other way around as well !
Like MB I like to see the best in people unfortunately nothing you say has given me any comfort and even if he is genuine how will the relationship survive not just the age gap but settling into a new country.I am afraid you Mum will probably learn the hard way.I really hope I am wrong.
Given the personal nature of this thread shouldn't it be members only?
No problem Sadie - I totally understand that this is a difficult situation, and I am not suggesting for a moment that it wont end badly, on the balance of probability it probably will and there probably wont be anything you can do about it. It not right and it's not fair, but life rarely is. I think you are in danger of becoming so consumed with anger for the bloke that you can't be rational and that wont help at all.
Rational? SJ is being completely rational. This is a scenario that has played out a thousand times before and all the warning signs are there. To ignore them and assume that this individual is well intentioned and everything will be hunky dory would be the height of irrationality, IMHO.
Given the situation that she is in, I think that she has been very restrained and I'm not sure that many of us on here would have been able to do that under similar circumstances.
No problem Sadie - I totally understand that this is a difficult situation, and I am not suggesting for a moment that it wont end badly, on the balance of probability it probably will and there probably wont be anything you can do about it. It not right and it's not fair, but life rarely is. I think you are in danger of becoming so consumed with anger for the bloke that you can't be rational and that wont help at all.
Rational? SJ is being completely rational. This is a scenario that has played out a thousand times before and all the warning signs are there. To ignore them and assume that this individual is well intentioned and everything will be hunky dory would be the height of irrationality, IMHO.
Given the situation that she is in, I think that she has been very restrained and I'm not sure that many of us on here would have been able to do that under similar circumstances.
Have to say i agree. I think she's been very rational given the circumstances.
Heavens above people please read what I have actually written. "I think you are in danger of becoming so consumed with anger for the bloke that you can't be rational and that wont help at all. I did not say she is not being (present tense) rational, just that she needs to keep a check on it given that she has not met him yet. I have not advocated ignoring any signs or feelings - just to try not to be consumed by them before has has met him.
All I really think (and at the end of the day it matters not a jot what I think but Sadie asked a question so I am just giving some persective) is that it is her Mums life and she can make her own mistakes and it is unlikely that Sadie's distrust or dislike of the bloke will have any real effect and could possibly have a negative one. I am advising caution. Everyone else can advise her to punch his lights out the second she lays eyes on him if she wants, but it might be a good idea to consider the alterntives and possible outcomes first.
I think it is actually a good thing that Sadie is voicing her concerns here. As she says he is not going to see them and getting angry in the presence (or even the virtual presence, of strangers is probably a reall yood idea. As she herself said (in so many words), her friends are likely to tell her what she wants to hear, I am just trying to ay some things she might not want to hear, becuas EI have no vested interest in the outcome.
Funny enough mb she knows about this thread she also knows I hacked her Facebook I have been upfront and honest with her and have told her exactly how I feel. She has cried and cried in front of me because she is scared that we are going to scare him away I don't like to see her cry, I certainly don't like to be the one to cause it but I am a straight up honest person (sometimes too honest) I am not a bitch I would never say anything about anyone that I wouldn't say to them. The reason I started this thread is because it is good to get wisdom dnd advice from other people and to sometimes vent a bit, this forum has so many good hearts and clever heads, also due to my home circumstances I don't really get out much so don't really see many other people to talk to. I also find that strangers are usually more honest than friends as they don't have the emotional investment. Thanks for your input though it is good to get the optimistic as well as the pessimistic. :-)
...At 50 there is more than a chance that your mums love for this guy is a pure one, as at that age ovulation is not going to mess with anyone's head...
I don't think anyone is doubting Sadiejane's Mum's feelings. It's the intentions of the other party that seem to be hugely questionable.
You got me wrong but I can understand why. The point that may have been a bit profound and under explained is that non hormonal love can be very long lasting and blinding in a different way. Bottom line is, it is harder to break this type of emotional tie.
...At 50 there is more than a chance that your mums love for this guy is a pure one, as at that age ovulation is not going to mess with anyone's head...
I don't think anyone is doubting Sadiejane's Mum's feelings. It's the intentions of the other party that seem to be hugely questionable.
You got me wrong but I can understand why. The point that may have been a bit profound and under explained is that non hormonal love can be very long lasting and blinding in a different way. Bottom line is, it is harder to break this type of emotional tie.
Which will make it all the worse if/when this bloke breaks it off when he's got what he wants.
...At 50 there is more than a chance that your mums love for this guy is a pure one, as at that age ovulation is not going to mess with anyone's head...
I don't think anyone is doubting Sadiejane's Mum's feelings. It's the intentions of the other party that seem to be hugely questionable.
You got me wrong but I can understand why. The point that may have been a bit profound and under explained is that non hormonal love can be very long lasting and blinding in a different way. Bottom line is, it is harder to break this type of emotional tie.
Which will make it all the worse if/when this bloke breaks it off when he's got what he wants.
I didn't want this turned into an argument, thank you to everyone that has stood up for me but really its fine, as I said I welcome the different opinions it gives me a wider perspective.
My mum has booked and paid for his flight over he is coming on his 31st birthday 12th Septrmber. By all accounts it was difficult to book a one way ticket and that was the earliest they could get. But at least I have a date and time to prepare myself.
Comments
On a serious note, I'm currently going through the same sort of thing, but with my 'real' dad -who appeared back on the scene a few years ago and has now managed to insert himself into my mum's retirement to Spain, despite never having worked a day in his life and not contributing a penny to the cost of the apartment they're living in.
At some point, no doubt, it will all get too much for me and I'll fly out there and feed him his own intestines. At the moment, I'm gritting my teeth and getting on with it.
I feel your pain. Ponces truly are the lowest form of the low.
What are your grounds on assuming he is a nice guy? If you'd read my previous posts you'd see that I have decided to be nice so that she can't blame anyone else for him doing one!
It is possible that he is a nice guy that genuinely fell in love with a woman 22 years older than him riddled with osteoporosis and arthritis, it is possible that he only wants to come to the uk for reasons of love. It is possible that the gifts and money he has taken from her has been for unselfish reasons that he absolutely needed them, it is possible that he has no idea that she has got herself thousands of pounds in debt to keep their hopes alive and that the only reason he has made no effort or attempt to meet, talk to or contact any of her friends or family is because he is shy. How could I be so insensitive to this poor boy? I guess I really am selfish! I'll go out right now and buy a late wedding present...
After 7 years of severance from her family we are now in contact as her father is terminally ill. Her whole family were shocked by my gf's appearence, confidence, social skills, career etc. I think they've realized that she has had a pretty good life with me and that I might have had something to do with this.
I'm certainly not a saint but I didn't deserve what was said about me and done to me.
ps. We've forgiven her family for the lies and the violent stuff but will never forgive the email hacking.
If my mum met and fell in love with someone 20 years either side of her That she spent lots of time with and got to know properly and didn't get herself into lots of debt over, I would of course be happy for her and give him the benefit of the doubt. It's just in this situation she spent all of 25 days in his company before getting married therefore doesn't know him that well and has had to pay for everything when she can't afford it and he managed to talk her out of every other option too. Last year when I started this thread she had only just started spouting this 'love' rubbish after knowing him for weeks and spending only 9 days with him, I was worried and doubted myself that I was being unfair, however now I know in my heart I was right to be worried, as stated above it is like a pending train crash that I am powerless to stop. I hope that the few of you that are optimistic are right but I doubt it. I'll update after I've met him which will probably be very soon he is expected to fly out next week, when of course she sends him the money.
Peace and love MB.
you snd your family are bang on the money with this shit scum bag dont question your intuition
cracking post
If it was my mum, id rather she was upset/angry at me for years rather than see her get fucked over emotionally and financially.
Afterwards, step back then and see what happens. Don't set traps which he can fall into, but ask him to declare his intentions and what his plans are to carry them out. Put the onus on him.
Get your stall set out so there are no misunderstandings. If it goes wrong, you'll have more chance of picking your mum up afterwards.
I think it would be wrong just to let him arrive and dictate what's going to happen. You and your brothers can observe and see if he comes up with the goods.
There are several plan B's already on here, but this would be my plan A.
And yes I did read that you said you were going 'nice' to him, given that you can barely write the words I imagine the act won't be fool-proof.
To me this line sums it up. "I'll update after I've met him which will probably be very soon he is expected to fly out next week". You have completely condemed him without so much as looking at him. Isn't it possible that he, through your mother has picked up this and isn't in a rush to meet you?
And PS no offence intended but "I am not a bitch I would never say anything about anyone that I wouldn't say to them." I may have read this wrong and there is meant to be a comma in there but this isn't what makes someone a not a bitch. And by that I don't in anyway intend to imply that you are, just sometimes not saying the things you feel to peoples faces is the better way.
He wouldn't have read this, my mum us still protecting him from any negative views tells him that everyone is looking forward to meeting him etc, he has ways to contact all of us but has made no effort as of yet. My aunt and my brother wanted to go to the wedding, my aunt is very pro Saif she genuinely can't wait to meet him, but was still not allowed.
My heart goes out to you SJ ,what a different world we live in.Many years ago it was parents that used to worry about who their children shacked up with,now it can also be the other way around as well !
Like MB I like to see the best in people unfortunately nothing you say has given me any comfort and even if he is genuine how will the relationship survive not just the age gap but settling into a new country.I am afraid you Mum will probably learn the hard way.I really hope I am wrong.
Given the personal nature of this thread shouldn't it be members only?
Given the situation that she is in, I think that she has been very restrained and I'm not sure that many of us on here would have been able to do that under similar circumstances.
Have to say i agree. I think she's been very rational given the circumstances.
I have not advocated ignoring any signs or feelings - just to try not to be consumed by them before has has met him.
All I really think (and at the end of the day it matters not a jot what I think but Sadie asked a question so I am just giving some persective) is that it is her Mums life and she can make her own mistakes and it is unlikely that Sadie's distrust or dislike of the bloke will have any real effect and could possibly have a negative one. I am advising caution. Everyone else can advise her to punch his lights out the second she lays eyes on him if she wants, but it might be a good idea to consider the alterntives and possible outcomes first.
I think it is actually a good thing that Sadie is voicing her concerns here. As she says he is not going to see them and getting angry in the presence (or even the virtual presence, of strangers is probably a reall yood idea. As she herself said (in so many words), her friends are likely to tell her what she wants to hear, I am just trying to ay some things she might not want to hear, becuas EI have no vested interest in the outcome.
My mum has booked and paid for his flight over he is coming on his 31st birthday 12th Septrmber. By all accounts it was difficult to book a one way ticket and that was the earliest they could get. But at least I have a date and time to prepare myself.