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Am I being selfish?

sadiejane1981sadiejane1981
edited March 2012 in Not Sports Related
My mother went to Tunisia at christmas, met a man there, had a fling and went back last week to see him. Having just spent a week with him she claims she is madly in love. She is nearly 51 he is 30, he is a native there, muslim etc, works in a hotel. She is positively happy and plans on going again in 2 months. I think the whole thing is ridiculous. I still feel there is something fishy and think she is embarrassing herself by being so childish to think after spending a grand total of 9 days with him she is 'in love.' My being negative is upsetting her. Am I being selfish or am I right to be concerned?
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Comments

  • thenewbiethenewbie
    It does seem very odd, personally I would be suspicious too. That said, 51 is more than old enough to make your own choices, and quite probably your own mistakes. I would make it clear if you really don't like it but that ultimately it is her call.
  • RizzoRizzo
    Whilst I'm sure your mother is lovely one does always have a sneaking suspicion of the motives of a young foreign gentleman who falls in love with an older woman. That may sound harsh but a friend of mine found herself in a similar situation and within a matter of months the man in question had moved half his family to the UK.
  • BedsaddickBedsaddick
    edited March 2012
    I think you have a right to be concerned Sadie. I would seriously question this man's motives. On the other hand , your mother is 51 and is entitled to make her own judgement but I would , if I was you , warn her not to give him money or consider marriage for a considerbly long time . If he's genuine he won't wait for years if its money he's after.
  • adamtheaddickadamtheaddick
    right to be concerned SJ, ive been to turkey and egypt and its awful how you see the local lads and staff chasing older women, all looking for a ticket to england and cash, im sure there may be the odd one in a million genuine realationship, there has been loads of press lately of older women being conned and left pennyless, if she is serious make sure she tests him, ask him to pay her flight if he loves her that much he would pay it.
  • Oggy RedOggy Red
    Absolutely right to be concerned.


    But this is her adventure - and as you say, she is excited and positively happy.
    That's priceless.

    Allow her to enjoy her moment.
    And if it all goes t*ts up, then I'm sure you'll be there for her.
  • charltonbobcharltonbob
    You have every right to be concerned, very very very occasionally this could be genuine. More often than not the totally flattered middle aged lady will be sending money for his grandmothers op on her piles so at long last she will be able to sit down.........if you/your mum are lucky. Worst case of course he proposes, she accepts, they get married, he moves into the matrimonial home while Mum works to support him. Then he starts playing around with girls of his own age while thinking what he can get as a divorce settlement. Your being negative of course could push her further into the relationship? Be careful !
  • Oggy RedOggy Red
    It does all smack of 'Shirley Valentine', though.



  • Bournemouth AddickBournemouth Addick
    Oh blimey Sadie, that's a tough situation to handle properly. Like everyone else I completely get your concerns and would be very doubtful of his motives. There are individuals who would happily exploit another persons feelings for their own benefit but getting that person to realise what's going on is very difficult because she's enjoying the attention, etc.

    I think all you can do is be honest with her about your concerns and that although she is old enough to live her own life you don't want to see her hurt emotionally or financially so that's why you have these doubts.
  • HarryHutchensHarryHutchens
    Right to be concerned - I've seen a lot of people of all ages make stupid mistakes in the name of love, my Mum included at the age of 66 (although it wasn't a Shirley Valentine style disaster in her case). Also, in a lot of these countries we are all seen as being minted.

    BUT...aside from pointing out all the obvious potential pitfalls to your mum in a calm and sensible kinda way, there's not really too much else you can do about it, frustrating as that may be.
  • StefcoStefco
    It does all smack of 'Shirley Valentine', though.



    "He kissed me stretch marks!"

    In all seriousness, I think you have got to be supportive, but do your very best to highlight the potential negative outcomes.

    If your mum has been lonely/single for a while, then I'm sure she is loving the attention that's coming her way, & especially from a younger guy. Maybe ask her how she would feel if you were to start dating someone 20-odd years older than you.

    Tell her to enjoy the moment, but a holiday romance is mostly just what it is. The day to day realities can far outweigh the high times of a holiday romance.

    Good luck!

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  • LenGloverLenGlover
    edited March 2012
    Ask her to give you an honest answer to an honest question.

    If the roles were reversed, i.e you fell in love with some foreign bloke on holiday and told her, what would her reaction be?
  • RobRob
    Sadie. You say he works in a hotel so I'm sure he has the chat up line for all the tourists. And your mum feels flattered because he's only 30 and showing interest. Almost certainly he is a Player but, unfortunately, you have to let this run its course because your mum is a big girl. Nothing to stop you voicing your concerns though. She's going out again in 2 months time so wait and see what she's like when she comes back from that. This will probably just fizzle out.
  • LedgeLedge
    Got a friend done exactly same although age difference not as bad
    She's now announced engagement and changed her name to his bloOdy ridiculous
  • sadiejane1981sadiejane1981
    edited March 2012
    wow! what a response, thanks guys! x

    I have tried all the what if it were me scenarios, she like a 10 year old responded 'I'd be happy for you.'

    I thought that when she went back out there in March (this time) he would leave her stranded at the airport or wait a few days then turn into a git towards her or something and told her that I think he will hurt her and I hope she's got a back-up plan etc. unfortunately though, he did pick her up from the airport, take her to the apartment he was 'borrowing' for the week and show her a good time. Hence making things worse. He also introduced her to his friends and even his 'disapproving' father who apparently came round to it. To top it up she and he are 'in a relationship' on facebook. He is 2 days older than me too, that is disturbing for me.

    I also need to point out that she is a rather attractive 50 year old, would be a perfect 'would ya?' lol

  • PrincessFionaPrincessFiona
    Sadie, it's a very difficult situation & I agree with what most the others have said. From what I know, and have experience in my job, it is likely he is after money and/or a route to the UK. I can PM you (once I work out how to do it!) about something you could do in case he applies for a visa. Of course you don't want to upset her, but I've seen and read about lives ruined in very similar scenarios. There are lots of stories in the press you could show her but she'd probably say it's not like it in her case. But if she could see the pattern, if you warn her he 'might' ask for money, she might think twice when he in all likelyhood he will
  • PrincessFionaPrincessFiona
    edited March 2012
    Worth a read (there's even a term for it) - there are other links and many, many stories . Noteworthly, 'but my guy is totally different'
    http://bad-boys.name/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=69:satkovy-podovodnici-hra-s-city-plne-info&catid=47:bezness&Itemid=93&lang=en
  • RobRob
    edited March 2012
    Wow. That's what I call hot Sadie!! And your mum's not bad either. :-)
  • sadiejane1981sadiejane1981
    Thanks PF that was an interesting read I will pass that on will probably get the 'he's not like that' answer though but thank-you very much I can use it with my brothers at least.
  • kings hill addickkings hill addick
    If she's been on her own for a while this must seem like the most wonderful thing ever.

    In all honesty if he uses her for a visa and she spends a few grand on him then it could be argued that that is the price for some real happiness for a few months. As silly as it sounds many people spend a fortune to recapture their youth, and it sounds like your mum has managed to do that.

    As long as she is careful and doesn't get married without a prenuptial agreement, or ivest her entire fortune in some business plan then she will be able to pick herself up and move on if/when the romance finishes.

    The only real cost is the embarrassment she will feel after it all falls apart, but most people will just be jealous of her 'romance' with someone twenty years younger than her.
  • kings hill addickkings hill addick
    Sorry, forgot to mention, I don't think you are being selfish! You are just concerned for your mum, which is totally normal, and right. It's so much easier to look at these things in a logical way when you're not 'blinded by love'.
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  • JTJT
    Your mum looks nails
  • nth_london_addicknth_london_addick
    Sadie how old are your brothers , if it was me , I would fly out there myself and check the fella out , he seems a good looking lad and I doubt your mum is the only one , so turning up unannounced for a weekend I am sure your brothers would soon catch him out , and leave him in no doubt what they will do to him if he goes near your mum again.


    The problem is your mum is happy and needs to be able to make her own mistakes , so by following my advice they risk their relationship with their mum




  • Henry IrvingHenry Irving
    maybe the question needs to be turned around. If you Sadie were having a great time with a nice looking bloke who makes you happy how would you feel about your mum or another relative pouring cold water on the relationship? Would you prefer them to be happy for you?

    Sure, there is a lot to be concerned about re:visas/explotation etc and you've done the right thing to warn your mum but having done so maybe it's time to step back and let her lead her own life. And be there for her if it all goes wrong.
  • man_at_millettsman_at_milletts
    edited March 2012
    You're not being selfish, Sadie-Jane, you're being human. Try a take a few steps back and as Henry says put the boot on the other foot. Any negativity will drive her further away, try and keep an open mind and discuss it rationally and let her know how you feel. Jaw, jaw jaw is better than war war war. Communicate.
    Good luck.
  • GranpaGranpa
    Lots of good comments here, the only thing I would add is for you and your whole family to make sure that your Mum understands how much you all love her and want only the best for her.

    That and to make sure that you are all there for her, if it all ends badly which I'm afraid is the most likely outcome.
  • daveaddickdaveaddick
    Sadiejane you have every right to be concerned if it was me I would be too, two things could be going on here the first is that this bloke is genuine and that he will make your mum very happy in which case good luck to all concerned but the second and more likely scenario is that at some point he will try and take her for what he can get. Sure when she went back he picked her up from the airport, she met his family etc.etc. but that is playing the long game for all you know "disgruntled dad" has played this part a number of times.

    My advice would be at the point where he starts to ask for money your mum should say thank you for a nice time and run a mile because that is the real warning sign. Somebody we know jad a similar experience with a Gambian £30,000 later she has no idea where he is and more importantly where her money is.
  • SoundAsa£SoundAsa£
    edited March 2012
    There is a thriving 'industry' of conning tourists in Tunisia (it even has a Tunisian slang name for it, which I can't remember right now)............there are a hundred and one different ways they go about it. Even the local police turn a blind eye to it and you wont be surprised to hear that it centers largely around tourist hotels.
    Just make sure that money doesn't start changing hands(if it hasn't already)....once that starts, it's a very dangerous and slippery slope Sadie.
    Tunisia is something of a Karzi.......... IMHO.
  • se9addickse9addick
    Sadie how old are your brothers , if it was me , I would fly out there myself and check the fella out , he seems a good looking lad and I doubt your mum is the only one , so turning up unannounced for a weekend I am sure your brothers would soon catch him out , and leave him in no doubt what they will do to him if he goes near your mum again.


    The problem is your mum is happy and needs to be able to make her own mistakes , so by following my advice they risk their relationship with their mum




    Under normal circumstances that might be one way to go about it, but unless she has ten brothers I don't think a couple of lads rocking up in a foreign country, hundreds of miles away with different customs and traditions making threats to a local who's lived there all his life and probably has lots of friends to back him up is going to really have too much impact. It would probably only make things worse once the boyfriend tells her mum what her sons have done.
  • ValleyGaryValleyGary
    tell her to get rid.
  • SoundAsa£SoundAsa£
    edited March 2012
    Sadie how old are your brothers , if it was me , I would fly out there myself and check the fella out , he seems a good looking lad and I doubt your mum is the only one , so turning up unannounced for a weekend I am sure your brothers would soon catch him out , and leave him in no doubt what they will do to him if he goes near your mum again.


    The problem is your mum is happy and needs to be able to make her own mistakes , so by following my advice they risk their relationship with their mum




    Under normal circumstances that might be one way to go about it, but unless she has ten brothers I don't think a couple of lads rocking up in a foreign country, hundreds of miles away with different customs and traditions making threats to a local who's lived there all his life and probably has lots of friends to back him up is going to really have too much impact. It would probably only make things worse once the boyfriend tells her mum what her sons have done.
    You could tell him that if he ever sets foot in Britain that your family will be watching his every move and the moment you get so much as a sniff of him being a con man, then he's on different turf and he'd need to watch his back.
    At least it gives him something to think about and it let's him know you aren't a family who will stand by mildly and do nothing.

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