A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."
My careers advisor used to say 'Dont dress for the job you've got, dress for the job you want.' I say he was my careers advisor, but it turns out he was a mechanic dressed up like a careers advisor.
A teacher stands in front of the class and says, "Can anyone who thinks they are stupid, please stand up."
None of the students stand up, so the teacher says, "I'm sure there are some stupid people in this class. Please own up!"
At this point, Little Jenny stands up. The teacher is surprised. Jenny is one of the brightest pupils. Teacher says, "Oh Jenny! Why do you think you are stupid?"
Little Jenny replies, "I don't really, I just felt bad that you were standing up all by yourself."
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".
"You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."
The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!
Comments
ACCOUNTANT NEEDED!
£35,000 - £40,000
So I rang them and said, "The answer is -£5,000"
I'm not bothered, it's hair loss.
For Sale
Limited Edition bottle of Tippex
It's a corrector's item.
because Ken comes in a different box
I told her 'I think you mean fewer'.
It was shit!
After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."
I was struggling to make friends so I bought a book called 'How to make people like you'
Turns out it was all about cloning.
I say he was my careers advisor, but it turns out he was a mechanic dressed up like a careers advisor.
But that's enough about them.
None of the students stand up, so the teacher says, "I'm sure there are some stupid people in this class. Please own up!"
At this point, Little Jenny stands up. The teacher is surprised. Jenny is one of the brightest pupils. Teacher says, "Oh Jenny! Why do you think you are stupid?"
Little Jenny replies, "I don't really, I just felt bad that you were standing up all by yourself."
Had to Fast Forward through the boring first part, obviously.
They don't like fast food.
Big Issue.
'How you gonna serve them?'
She said ' I'll dust them with icing sugar and pile cream on top'
It tasted foul, but at least my sore throat has gone.
Still didnt win the scrabble competition.
Pile cream
Do ya get it?
For those that still haven't got it yet!
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".
"You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."
The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!