A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth & a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. you know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his 2016 Mercedes-Benz CL & he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward but you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges as the Daughter is in her 20's and has a strong sex drive.
The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me?"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . .you started it."
A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth & a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. you know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his 2016 Mercedes-Benz CL & he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward but you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges as the Daughter is in her 20's and has a strong sex drive.
The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me?"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . .you started it."
The Australian Taxation Office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.
ATO AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".
Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".
ATO AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".
Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know"?
My wife is standing & looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to give me a compliment.'
My wife is standing & looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to give me a compliment.'
I replied, 'Your eyesight's perfect.'
A bit like:
I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'. I said 'I want a second opinion'. He said 'all right, you're fat and ugly as well'.
A man walks into a bar, (natch) notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with £10 notes. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand pounds in it.
He approaches the barman and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay £10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new BMW."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the barman, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender £10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole bottle of scotch, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
Second - There's a bull terrier chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my £10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be mad to try to drink a bottle of scotch in 60 seconds and then do those other things!"
"Your call," says the barman, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn scotch?"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the bull terrier chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight - then, nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.
His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?
A man walks into a bar, (natch) notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with £10 notes. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand pounds in it.
He approaches the barman and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay £10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new BMW."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the barman, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender £10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole bottle of scotch, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
Second - There's a bull terrier chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my £10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be mad to try to drink a bottle of scotch in 60 seconds and then do those other things!"
"Your call," says the barman, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn scotch?"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the bull terrier chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight - then, nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.
His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?
Heard the same joke years ago but it's a crocodile and the bar is in Australia
A man walks into a bar, (natch) notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with £10 notes. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand pounds in it.
He approaches the barman and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay £10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new BMW."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the barman, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender £10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole bottle of scotch, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
Second - There's a bull terrier chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my £10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be mad to try to drink a bottle of scotch in 60 seconds and then do those other things!"
"Your call," says the barman, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn scotch?"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the bull terrier chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight - then, nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.
His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?
Heard the same joke years ago but it's a crocodile and the bar is in Australia
Yes, but as Ted Bovis would say: "Spike, that's the first rule of comedy. You've got to have reality".
And there are no virgins in Australia.
(One day, when I've had a few beverages, I'll post up the infamous ice cream joke.)
a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . . why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
A 7 year old and his 5 year old brother are in their bedroom and the 7 year old says... 'You know what, I think it's time we started swearing. Tomorrow morning we'll go down for breakfast, I'll swear then you go next'. 'Ok' said his brother. The next morning the mum asks what they want for breakfast. 'I'll have coco pops, bitch' said the 7 year old. With a WHACK, he flies out of his chair crying his eyes out. The mum turns to the 5 year old and says sternly, 'and what about you?' 'I dunno' says the 5 year old, ' but it won't be fucking coco pops'.
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'
The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'
'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm..
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
'Oh, shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, ' And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be fucking Coco Pops'
This is about my favorite joke so I remembered where I'd first read it.
You managed to get it almost word for word Ozaddick.
Al didn't get any LOLs, but they may not have existed then.
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'
The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'
'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm..
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
'Oh, shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, ' And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be fucking Coco Pops'
This is about my favorite joke so I remembered where I'd first read it.
You managed to get it almost word for word Ozaddick.
Al didn't get any LOLs, but they may not have existed then.
A chap goes to a 1980s-themed fancy dress party, with a bird of prey sitting on each shoulder. He asks the host if he can borrow his vacuum cleaner. The host agrees, whereupon the chap asks if the lights could be turned off. The bemused host asks the assembled guests, who are agreeable. The chap turns on the vacuum cleaner, pushes it up and down a bit, turns it off and asks for the lights to come on. "Well, who am I? he says. Everyone looks at him, blankly. "OMD. Hawk, Kestrel, man hoovers in the dark".
Not even a joke, but something that happened to me in real life . (You should probably have been there, to appreciate how funny this was):
Back in my Melbourne days, I worked with a huge Aussie bloke, who hated football (or soccer, as he called it). He was a nervous, sweaty guy, who you always thought was about to have a heart attack.
As the majority of the guys at work spoke about football a lot, he felt that he finally should give in and be part of it. One day he came over to me, all excited: 'Hey, I’ve decided to follow an English football team'. ‘Good', I responded. 'Yes, I’ve even ordered a shirt online and read a bit about their history'. ‘Great…so which team did you pick, Nick?’ Nick looked at me, all sweating and excited to break the news:
I was offered sex from a 19 year old female fitness instructor today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Clorox, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.
Comments
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. you know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his 2016 Mercedes-Benz CL & he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward but you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges as the Daughter is in her 20's and has a strong sex drive.
The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me?"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . .you started it."
FIFY Social worker?
ATO AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".
Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".
ATO AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".
Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know"?
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started....
I replied, 'Your eyesight's perfect.'
Thought it was time for some mail bonding.
I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'.
I said 'I want a second opinion'.
He said 'all right, you're fat and ugly as well'.
He approaches the barman and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay £10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new BMW."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the barman, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender £10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole bottle of scotch, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
Second - There's a bull terrier chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my £10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be mad to try to drink a bottle of scotch in 60 seconds and then do those other things!"
"Your call," says the barman, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn scotch?"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the bull terrier chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight - then, nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.
His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?
And there are no virgins in Australia.
(One day, when I've had a few beverages, I'll post up the infamous ice cream joke.)
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
'You know what, I think it's time we started swearing. Tomorrow morning we'll go down for breakfast, I'll swear then you go next'.
'Ok' said his brother.
The next morning the mum asks what they want for breakfast.
'I'll have coco pops, bitch' said the 7 year old.
With a WHACK, he flies out of his chair crying his eyes out.
The mum turns to the 5 year old and says sternly, 'and what about you?'
'I dunno' says the 5 year old, ' but it won't be fucking coco pops'.
You managed to get it almost word for word Ozaddick.
Al didn't get any LOLs, but they may not have existed then.
Nothing changes!
"Thanks, you shouldn't of"
1) I did that one a year earlier.
2) Why am I reading pages from three years ago?
(You should probably have been there, to appreciate how funny this was):
Back in my Melbourne days, I worked with a huge Aussie bloke, who hated football (or soccer, as he called it).
He was a nervous, sweaty guy, who you always thought was about to have a heart attack.
As the majority of the guys at work spoke about football a lot, he felt that he finally should give in and be part of it.
One day he came over to me, all excited:
'Hey, I’ve decided to follow an English football team'.
‘Good', I responded.
'Yes, I’ve even ordered a shirt online and read a bit about their history'.
‘Great…so which team did you pick, Nick?’
Nick looked at me, all sweating and excited to break the news:
‘Mate, I support Aston!’
So they can Scandinavian
A council House.