I can't believe this latest craze of parents naming their kids after musical instruments. In my grand-daughters class this year, there's a Harp and a Timpani.
I'm glad we didn't descend to that level with our Monica.
I can't believe this latest craze of parents naming their kids after musical instruments. In my grand-daughters class this year, there's a Harp and a Timpani.
I'm glad we didn't descend to that level with our Monica.
I can't believe this latest craze of parents naming their kids after musical instruments. In my grand-daughters class this year, there's a Harp and a Timpani.
I'm glad we didn't descend to that level with our Monica.
You can only be sure the girl is your Mrs's kid, so it's her Monica.
This bloke trains his dog to fetch the paper from the paper shop at the end of the road. This goes so well he decides to train him to pay the bill. After some successful trial runs with an empty envelope, he gives the dog an envelope with £20 in it and sends him off. Five hours later, the dog's not returned so he goes off looking for him. Eventually he finds the dog down a back alley, hard at it with a bitch.
"Rover", he exclaims, "you've never done anything like this before!".
"Well", says Rover, "you've never given me £20 before!".
I can't believe this latest craze of parents naming their kids after musical instruments. In my grand-daughters class this year, there's a Harp and a Timpani.
I'm glad we didn't descend to that level with our Monica.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded doctors waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded doctors waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded doctors waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'
The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'
'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves....
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, 'Who are you?
To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'
The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'
The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'
The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'
Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.
"Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off." said the teacher.
"Who is credited with writing the phrase, To be or not to be, that is the question?" asked the teacher.
Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, "Shakespeare".
"Well done!" said the teacher, "You can have Monday off."
"No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard." said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.
"Well okay," said the teacher. The next quote is, "I had a dream!"
Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out "I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!"
"Well done!" said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off"
"No thanka you miss I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too." said little Fri Sum Kat.
"Okay," said the teacher. Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom,
"Fucking Immigrants!"
"Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.
"Donald Trump!" yelled little Johnny. "See ya Tuesday"......
Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.
"Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off." said the teacher.
"Who is credited with writing the phrase, To be or not to be, that is the question?" asked the teacher.
Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, "Shakespeare".
"Well done!" said the teacher, "You can have Monday off."
"No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard." said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.
"Well okay," said the teacher. The next quote is, "I had a dream!"
Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out "I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!"
"Well done!" said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off"
"No thanka you miss I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too." said little Fri Sum Kat.
"Okay," said the teacher. Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom,
"Fucking Immigrants!"
"Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.
"Donald Trump!" yelled little Johnny. "See ya Tuesday"......
Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.
"Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off." said the teacher.
"Who is credited with writing the phrase, To be or not to be, that is the question?" asked the teacher.
Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, "Shakespeare".
"Well done!" said the teacher, "You can have Monday off."
"No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard." said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.
"Well okay," said the teacher. The next quote is, "I had a dream!"
Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out "I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!"
"Well done!" said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off"
"No thanka you miss I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too." said little Fri Sum Kat.
"Okay," said the teacher. Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom,
"Fucking Immigrants!"
"Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.
"Donald Trump!" yelled little Johnny. "See ya Tuesday"......
Count down begins.
No, I think you'll find it's been on C4 for a long time already. Indeed, it's been going so long it's even spawned a spin-off, Some Unfunny "Comedians" Do Countdown.
A man wakes up in a hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and the paramedics couldn't find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on… "You do have £9,000 in insurance compensation coming though, and we now have the technology to build a new penis.
They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly £1,000 an inch.
The man perks up.
So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.
But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.
If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now, she might be a bit uncomfortable.
If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.
Ill give you the night to consider your options."
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?”
Hung Chow phones in to work and says, "Hey, I no come work today. I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
American fella is on a business trip to Ireland and fancies a game of golf. He walks into the local club and asks if anyone fancies a round but they must be half decent as he's pretty good.
"Paddy's your man" says the owner. "Here's his number. Give him a bell".
So the American rings paddy.
" Yeah I'll play. See you at 9am but I might be half an hour late"
Next morning they meet at 9. Paddy has a right handed set of clubs and beats the American convincingly.
" I need to play you again" says the yank.
" Ok. See you tomorrow at 9 but I might be half an hour late"
Next morning they meet at 9. Paddy has a left handed set " I'll beat him today" says the yank to himself. But paddy duely gives the yank another thrashing.
" I need to play you one more time" says the American.
"Ok" says paddy. See you tomorrow at 9 but I might be half an hour late"
"Hold on," says the American
"You turn up yesterday with a right handed set and give me a beating and today you have a left handed set and beat me again! How do you decide on which clubs to bring?"
"Well I look at the wife" says paddy.
"If when I wake up in the morning she's lying on her left I bring the left set. If she's lying on her right I bring the right set"
"What if she's lying on her back?" Asks the American.
Comments
"Rover", he exclaims, "you've never done anything like this before!".
"Well", says Rover, "you've never given me £20 before!".
"Whatever means necessary," she replied.
"No it doesn't," I replied.
"Whatever means necessary," she replied.
"No it doesn't," I replied.
"Whatever means necessary," she replied.
"No it doesn't," I replied.
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
If its successful he plans to write about Kent next
They held him for a while then let him go.
Doctor - You have a disease, but we can treat it.
Patient - What’s the Cure?
Doctor - It’s an 80s rock band fronted by Robert Smith, but let’s try to stay focused...
Lifeguard must have noticed......he blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in.
See you Tuesday.
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
Bono & The Edge walk into a bar.
The barman says: "oh no not U2 again".
He walks into the local club and asks if anyone fancies a round but they must be half decent as he's pretty good.
"Paddy's your man" says the owner.
"Here's his number. Give him a bell".
So the American rings paddy.
" Yeah I'll play. See you at 9am but I might be half an hour late"
Next morning they meet at 9. Paddy has a right handed set of clubs and beats the American convincingly.
" I need to play you again" says the yank.
" Ok. See you tomorrow at 9 but I might be half an hour late"
Next morning they meet at 9. Paddy has a left handed set " I'll beat him today" says the yank to himself.
But paddy duely gives the yank another thrashing.
" I need to play you one more time" says the American.
"Ok" says paddy. See you tomorrow at 9 but I might be half an hour late"
"Hold on," says the American
"You turn up yesterday with a right handed set and give me a beating and today you have a left handed set and beat me again!
How do you decide on which clubs to bring?"
"Well I look at the wife" says paddy.
"If when I wake up in the morning she's lying on her left I bring the left set. If she's lying on her right I bring the right set"
"What if she's lying on her back?" Asks the American.
" I'll be half an hour late!"