A man came to visit his grandparents and found his grandfather sitting on the porch in his rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. "Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!"
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with her passenger, but the old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old Navajo woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was knocked over and killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
I remember back in the
day when the circus came to Blackheath when there were real animals,
Marvo the lion tamer used to end his routine with a rather novel act.
He would open the
fiercest lion's mouth and wave his cock around inside and withdrew it
just before the lion snapped its mouth shut.
Marvo would offer the
challenge every evening to members of the audience.
“£100 to anybody who
can come down and do that” he would say.
One night a shifty
little bloke at the back said “I will” (Said in a Charles Hawtrey
voice for comedy effect)
Marvo bigged up the
bloke as he made his way down to the ring.
Marvo turned to the guy
and said “Aren't you worried at all?”
The guy replied “A
little bit as I don't think I can open my mouth as wide as that lion
can”
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night... when behind him he hears:
Bump.... BUMP... BUMP....
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER... FASTER... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking people up.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5,000 years they've hardly changed at all and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but think about it. It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.
Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....
The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.....
The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.....
The third man married a girl from South London. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
The first day he didn't see anything.
The second day he didn't see anything either.
But by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
A man was appearing in court accused of murdering his wife with a hammer. The prosecution was in full flow throwing the charges at him;
"On 23rd March, you are a accused of murdering your wife with a hammer."
A voice from the viewing gallery was heard to say "you dirty bastard".
"Quiet that man", called the Judge.
"You deliberately went to your garden shed where you removed said hammer with the clear purpose of causing harm"
"You lousy dirty bastard" said the voice in the viewing gallery.
"BE QUIET", yelled the judge again.
"You then hit your wife over the head several times with the hammer............."
"You dirty lousy stinking bastard" said the voice from the viewing gallery again.
The judge had had enough and called for the man from the viewing gallery to be brought down to the dock. "Well, you had better have a good explanation for all these interruptions", the judge said to the man.
"I certainly have, your Honour", said the man. "I've lived next door to the accused for 30 years and whenever I knocked on his door and asked to borrow a hammer, he said he never had one".
Police are investigating a burglary overnight at the New Den stadium. It is reported that thieves stole the entire contents of the trophy room. Police are hunting for two men in a van with a blue and white carpet.
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night... when behind him he hears:
Bump.... BUMP... BUMP....
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER... FASTER... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night!"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John says, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside my wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ear to make him come."
ARGUMENTS * A woman must have the last word in any argument. * Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE * A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. * A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS * A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. * A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE * A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. * A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
CHILDREN * A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. * A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
SAYING AND HEARING * A woman says: "Come on, this place is a mess. You and I need to clean.Your trousers are on the floor and you'll have no clothes if we don't do the laundry now." * A man hears: "Come on blah, blah, blah you and I blah,blah, blah, blah, blah on the floor blah, blah, blah, no clothes blah, blah, blah, blah, now."
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY * Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition.
He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.It protects it from the rain, and he
hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.
Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to
tell you something about my family.
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.
Joe is shocked.Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
He leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table
and screws her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.
Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose
right there on the dinner table.
She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down.
His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still ... . Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Comments
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. "Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!"
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."
A. They both have the same middle name.
A priest has a heart attack and is rushed to hospital.
He wakes up as he is rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
“Am I in heaven?” asks the priest.
“No “says one of the nurses.
“Were just taking a short cut through the children’s ward”.
Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with her passenger, but the old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old Navajo woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."
Just mentioned to the missus that I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Beyoncé.
“Whatever floats your boat.” she said.
“No,” I said. “That’s buoyancy.”
The difference is staggering.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was knocked over and killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied, "Because I didn't recognize you."
I remember back in the day when the circus came to Blackheath when there were real animals, Marvo the lion tamer used to end his routine with a rather novel act.
He would open the fiercest lion's mouth and wave his cock around inside and withdrew it just before the lion snapped its mouth shut.
Marvo would offer the challenge every evening to members of the audience.
“£100 to anybody who can come down and do that” he would say.
One night a shifty little bloke at the back said “I will” (Said in a Charles Hawtrey voice for comedy effect)
Marvo bigged up the bloke as he made his way down to the ring.
Marvo turned to the guy and said “Aren't you worried at all?”
The guy replied “A little bit as I don't think I can open my mouth as wide as that lion can”
Bump.... BUMP... BUMP....
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER... FASTER... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and,
The coffin stops.
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking people up.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5,000 years they've hardly changed at all and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but think about it. It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.
When I was young we didn't have paedo's
We had to buy our own sweets.
“If your still at the kebab shop get me chips and a can of Fanta” wasn’t the right response.
"You must be mistaken," she replied. "Our daughter is upstairs changing out of her nurses uniform."
I said, "I know, she left the curtains open!"
"On 23rd March, you are a accused of murdering your wife with a hammer."
A voice from the viewing gallery was heard to say "you dirty bastard".
"Quiet that man", called the Judge.
"You deliberately went to your garden shed where you removed said hammer with the clear purpose of causing harm"
"You lousy dirty bastard" said the voice in the viewing gallery.
"BE QUIET", yelled the judge again.
"You then hit your wife over the head several times with the hammer............."
"You dirty lousy stinking bastard" said the voice from the viewing gallery again.
The judge had had enough and called for the man from the viewing gallery to be brought down to the dock. "Well, you had better have a good explanation for all these interruptions", the judge said to the man.
"I certainly have, your Honour", said the man. "I've lived next door to the accused for 30 years and whenever I knocked on his door and asked to borrow a hammer, he said he never had one".
One’s a crusty bus station and the other’s a busty crustacean.
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night!"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John says, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside my wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ear to make him come."