This woman gives a really funny speech at her leaving do. It's mainly about sex and it brings the house down. However, when she gets home, her husband asks her how it went. When he hears how successful it was and asks what the topic was, the woman gets a bit coy and says "yachting".
The next day, the husband bumps into one of his wife's now ex-workmates who remarks on how good the woman's speech was. The husband says he found that a bit surprising as "she's only done it twice, the first time her hat blew off and the second time she was sick".
Three virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period.
Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but: "Nescafe".
Puzzled at first Mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Great from beginning to end".
Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding and the card read: "Rothmans".
Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes to read from the pack: "Super strong King Size".
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.. the third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand.
Mum waited for a week,
Nothing.
Another week went by and still nothing.
A month passed; still nothing.
A card finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand, "Air New Zealand ".
Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst and finally found the ad for Air NZ.
'Ten times a day, seven days a week, in all directions.'
A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.
“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”
I can’t jump out the window!” came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. “It’s raining out there!”
“If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” she replied.
“He’s got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!”
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon.
He started running along beside the others about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to “blend in” as best he could.
It wasn’t that effective.
After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
“Do you always run in the nude?” one asked.
“Oh yes” he replied, gasping in air. “It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you’re running.”
Another runner moved alongside. “Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?”
“Oh, yes” our friend answered breathlessly. “That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. “Do you always wear a condom when you run?”
Comments
It's still full of chocolates because I can't open the windows.
Why yes!
In fact I come from a long line of conga lovers.
The next day, the husband bumps into one of his wife's now ex-workmates who remarks on how good the woman's speech was. The husband says he found that a bit surprising as "she's only done it twice, the first time her hat blew off and the second time she was sick".
I asked him if he wanted a lift home and he told me to piss off.
So I zipped up my rucksack, and carried on walking.
I want to go to the Caribbean ............... and she wants to come with me!
Shit. Wrong thread.
It takes allsorts