Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals so he offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question to be answered was, "What do women really want?" Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur it seemed an impossible query, but since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone, the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. However, the price would be high as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage and made obscene noises! He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question. "What a woman really wants," she said, "Is to be in charge of her own life." Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
As the honeymoon hour arrived Lancelot, steeling himself for an horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible deformed self only half of the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. He could decide on beautiful during the day or at night.
Lancelot pondered his predicament. During the day he could have a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments with? Noble Lancelot said that he would allow her to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, the witch announced that she would be beautiful all of the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now, to the moral to the story.
If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly!
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without any ears.
When mother and the new arrival came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family were invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. He also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears, or even to that matter said the word "ears", he would get the spanking of his life when they returned home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby. He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes," the mother replied, "we are so thankful. The doctor said he will have perfect 20/20 vision."
"That's great," said Little Johnnie, "coz he'd be f*cked if he needed glasses!"
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like as a gift. “I’d like to be eight again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being eight again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring
at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee...
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room.
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the gun in my face and said:
'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!"
Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too,"
Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous, “says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .........
"What the fuck would they want with a plasterer??!"
Asda installed a medical kiosk. For £10 and a urine sample it would diagnose any condition. A bloke went with a sore elbow. The computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, the bloke wondered if he could fool the machine.
He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture.
When he put the sample into the machine the next day, the printout read: "1. Your tap water is too hard. Use softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics. 3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab. 4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you keep playing with yourself, your fucking tennis elbow won't get better!
Comments
A bigger wardrobe and the heating turned up!
I was sick and tired of being beaten at playing snap by my 3 year old son, so I decided to try and win at something easier.
So I signed for Celtic and won the treble.
RIP boiling water.
You will be mist.
As my Grandfather used to say; "As one door closes, another one opens."
Lovely man, lousy cabinet maker.
My neighbour with big boobs has been gardening topless all day.
I just wish his wife would do the same.
asked in the bookshop if they had the new one about sexual innuendo.
She said "I can get it in for you."
Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?"
Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "Ya got me pregnant, so now I'm gonna kill myself."
Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this and wells up with emotion.
Composing himself, he replies, "Strewth Sheila, not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too."
They said, "where are you ringing from"?
So I told them, "from the waist down"!
I said "I'll give you one."
’you’re not even listening to me are you!?’
I thought to myself , ‘that’s a funny way to start a conversation.’