A tiny skinny irish man enters an elevator one day and this HUGE gigantic man is standing there.
The big fella sees this tiny slight of a man staring at him and says, ”7 feet tall, 22 stone, 19 inch penis and 2 kilos of testicles.”
The big man thrusts out his huge hand and says “Turner brown” and with this the tiny Irish mans immediately faints. The big man bends down and revives the wee Irish man. In a weak tiny voice the Irish man said, “what did you say to me?”
The big man says, “well I saw you looking at me all curious and so I thought I’d give you the answers everyone asks me. I’m 7 feet tall, weigh 22stone, I’ve a 19 inch penis, my balls weigh 2 kilos and my name is turner brown.
“Turner brown...? Sweet mother of Jesus!!” squeaks the wee Irish fella, “ I thought you said turn around!”
A group of nuns are marooned in the desert and are out of supplies apart from a bowl of flour. Mother superior suggests that they make one last loaf of bread to share. As they have no water she suggests that they take turns to pee in the bowl. One by one the nuns squat down and try to pee but to no avail. Finally its left to Sister Bertha, a rather large lady. She lifts up her gown and squats over the bowl. She tries to pee but can't and she strains so hard that she farts, blows all the flour away and the others piss themselves laughing.
A group of nuns are marooned in the desert and are out of supplies apart from a bowl of flour. Mother superior suggests that they make one last loaf of bread to share. As they have no water she suggests that they take turns to pee in the bowl. One by one the nuns squat down and try to pee but to no avail. Finally its left to Sister Bertha, a rather large lady. She lifts up her gown and squats over the bowl. She tries to pee but can't and she strains so hard that she farts, blows all the flour away and the others piss themselves laughing.
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plonks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”
“It was,” sighed the Sister. “I went to play golf with my brother. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”
“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”
“Far from it,” snorted the Sister, “in fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!”
“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”
“Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green....and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. It's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !”
“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!”
“No, that wasn't it,” admitted Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”
“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother.
“But I didn't, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself!
And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”
“So that's when you cursed,” said the Mother with a knowing smile.
“Nope, that wasn't it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said… “You missed the fuckin' putt, didn't you?”
Kid comes home from school telling his Dad that his homework is to tell the difference between reality and theory
Dad says... Go ask your Mother and Sister if they'd each sleep with a plumber for a million quid!!... Son goes and does as he's told and comes back to his Dad with the answer that both would sleep with a plumber for a million quid each.
Dad says there ya go then
In theory we're sitting on two million quid
In reality we're living with a couple of slappers!!
Apologies if this came up already on here but I can’t remember where I heard it:
Couple in Asda. Bloke sees a 24 pack of Stella on offer half price for a tenner and puts in in the trolley. Wife orders him to put it back as they are on a tight budget. Three aisles later she sees some expensive face cream half price down to £20 and picks it up. Bloke says “put it back we’re on a tight budget”. She says “but it makes my face look pretty”. He says “so does 24 cans of Stella and it’s only a tenner!”
Police have identified the victim that fell from the Kenyan Airline flight as Amin Yaflowerbed, relatives have said he was a "down to earth" kind of guy.
I might have put this one on here a few years back but I think it’s worth another airing. Blind man goes into a supermarket, picks up his dog by the tail and starts to swing it round and round above his head. Manager approaches him and says...”Can I help you Sir?” ” No it’s OK thanks.......I’m just having a look round.”
The other day I was standing by my bedroom window, when I saw my neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless in the garden. As I was knocking one out, I turned to notice my wife standing there, arms crossed and staring at me...
Police have identified the victim that fell from the Kenyan Airline flight as Amin Yaflowerbed, relatives have said he was a "down to earth" kind of guy.
Charlton scouts descend on Clapham back garden to see if Kenyan stowaway is available for next season. A source said: “he’s quick down the wing, comes without baggage and will make a big impact when he arrives.”
Comments
My wife asked me “is it just me or is the cat getting fat?”
Apparently “no it’s just you” wasn’t the right answer.
The big fella sees this tiny slight of a man staring at him and says,
”7 feet tall, 22 stone, 19 inch penis and 2 kilos of testicles.”
The big man thrusts out his huge hand and says “Turner brown” and with this the tiny Irish mans immediately faints.
The big man bends down and revives the wee Irish man. In a weak tiny voice the Irish man said, “what did you say to me?”
The big man says, “well I saw you looking at me all curious and so I thought I’d give you the answers everyone asks me. I’m 7 feet tall, weigh 22stone, I’ve a 19 inch penis, my balls weigh 2 kilos and my name is turner brown.
“Turner brown...? Sweet mother of Jesus!!” squeaks the wee Irish fella, “ I thought you said turn around!”
He was telling me about his new bar. He said, “Monday through Saturday we’re a nudist bar.”
I asked, “Well, what are you on a Sunday?”
He said: “We’re clothed.”
My Spanish neighbour's young son can’t even say 'please'.
That’s poor for four.
Heard in the office earlier today, when one of my colleagues was on his way out the door.
‘Traci, if the invisible man comes to see me, tell him I can’t see him’
Getting my toy drone stuck up in a tree wasn’t the worse thing that happened to me today.
But it’s up there.
I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun.
I walked into the bedroom that night... "Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,
"Fuck off" she shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"
Dad says... Go ask your Mother and Sister if they'd each sleep with a plumber for a million quid!!... Son goes and does as he's told and comes back to his Dad with the answer that both would sleep with a plumber for a million quid each.
Dad says there ya go then
In theory we're sitting on two million quid
In reality we're living with a couple of slappers!!
Couple in Asda. Bloke sees a 24 pack of Stella on offer half price for a tenner and puts in in the trolley. Wife orders him to put it back as they are on a tight budget. Three aisles later she sees some expensive face cream half price down to £20 and picks it up. Bloke says “put it back we’re on a tight budget”. She says “but it makes my face look pretty”. He says “so does 24 cans of Stella and it’s only a tenner!”
Blind man goes into a supermarket, picks up his dog by the tail and starts to swing it round and round above his head.
Manager approaches him and says...”Can I help you Sir?”
” No it’s OK thanks.......I’m just having a look round.”
I told her where ever the dart lands I’d take her there!
Im happy to announce that for 2 weeks in August we’re spending 2 lovely weeks by the fucking skirting board.