Two scientists walked into a pub. I'll have H2O said the first scientist to the barman. I'll have H2O too said the second scientist who died shortly afterwards.
Two scientists walked into a pub. I'll have H2O said the first scientist to the barman. I'll have H2O too said the second scientist who died shortly afterwards.
Two scientists walked into a pub. I'll have H2O said the first scientist to the barman. I'll have H2O too said the second scientist who died shortly afterwards.
Two scientists walked into a pub. I'll have H2O said the first scientist to the barman. I'll have H2O too said the second scientist who dyed blond shortly afterwards.
On a business trip to Thailand. A colleague and I went to a bar where the colleague (no name, no pack drill) chatted up this women. Thinking he was getting lucky, he started to put his hand up her dress. Seeing as it was Thailand, I whispered in his ear "WARNING: may contain nuts".
The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe 1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng 2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle 3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle 4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz 5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field 6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons 7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin 8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne 9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel 10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King 11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes 12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff 13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang 14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess 15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine
The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe 1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng 2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle 3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle 4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz 5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field 6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons 7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin 8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne 9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel 10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King 11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes 12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff 13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang 14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess 15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine
Not one lol in 24 hours, mmmmmmmm think I will give the fringe a miss.
Man goes to the doctor complaining of headaches. The doctor says "you might want to stop masturbating?" "Why?" "Because I'm trying to take a blood sample
Comments
'It's f****g hot in here'
The other replied
'Wait til you get outside, they smash your bloody head in'
Egg says 'phew its hot in here'.
Sausage says 'fuck me a talking egg.
But then again I hate all change.
Best Fringe Joke 2017
An animal in a Baaaad Moooood.
(Also from the fringe)
1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng
2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle
3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle
4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz
5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field
6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons
7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin
8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne
9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel
10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King
11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes
12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff
13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang
14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess
15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine
"Now which arsehole has my thermometer"
Doc: It's ok, they're benign.
Pirate: Count again, I think there be ten!
MMmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
The doctor says "you might want to stop masturbating?"
"Why?"
"Because I'm trying to take a blood sample
The taste.
The grip.
"Lots of people under him. Nobody's listening"
I got toed in the hole.