A 30 something year old man goes to a singles bar....
And starts conversation with a woman who was about his age. They're really hitting it off and the chemistry is strong, so after a couple drinks they start to open up to each other.
"I'm gonna be honest with you," says the man, "My wife recently divorced me so I'm on the rebound. I was just too kinky for her, she couldn't take it." Astounded, the woman says "Oh my gosh, what a coincidence! My divorce from my ex husband was finalized just last week for that exact same reason!"
At this point they decide to go back to the woman's house. She leads him up to the bedroom and things start getting hot and heavy. "Wait here, I'm gonna go slip into something more uncomfortable", she tells him. So she slips into her bathroom and puts on all the bondage gear she can find and freshens up. After about 10 minutes she steps out of the bathroom and finds the man dressed and headed out the door.
"Wait, where are you going!?", she yells after him, "I thought you were into kinky shit?"
The man replies "I already screwed the cat and shat in the potted plant, I'm good".
Two Irishmen were working for Dundee City Council Public Works Department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing, so he said to the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it. Why do you dig a hole only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."
Hasn't been a 2nd leg thrown away this convincingly in Liverpool since Paul McCartney had a blazing row with Heather Mills just before they divorced.
After McCartney and Mills announced their engagement, a reporter asked Paul 'did you go down on one knee?', McCartney replied 'thats a bit personal, but if you must know, I'm saving it for our wedding night, and by the way, her name is Heather'
Two American tourists from New England were driving through Wales. At Llanfairpwllgwyngllgogerychwryndrobwllyantsllyogogogoch, they stopped for lunch and one tourist asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?"
The waitress leaned over and said, "Burrr-gurrr-Kinngg."
Comments
Partner: You have the biggest penis out of all of your friends.
Farmer: I love my job.
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows.
Farmer: What did you say to me?.
Wife: You herd.
The Beach Boys walk into a bar.....
'Round?'
'Round?'
'Get a round'
'I get a round?'
'Get a round.....'
However on a more serious note - we are going up, say we are going up!
Two friends chat and one boasts about his new car.
“So I’ve got a new Tesla Model X; it drives itself.”
“Nice...where is it?”
“No idea!”
My friend keeps saying cheer up it could be worse you could be in a hole in the ground full of water.
I know he means well.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing, so he said to the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it. Why do you dig a hole only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."
Thats a Horatio of 3:1
A bloke came to the pub last night dressed in a black top, black shorts and a whistle
I said to my mate "its going to kick off in a minute"
The waitress leaned over and said, "Burrr-gurrr-Kinngg."
"Lemon entry, my dear Watson".
It reads like Gareth Gates trying to say Wagamama...
What happens when you eat aluminium foil?
You sheet metal.
The bartender asks: “How’s it going?”
The North Korean soldier replies: “Can’t complain.”