With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?"He told me to run off a cliff.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen, the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home early and a guywas joggingpast my house, naked. I asked him,'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook. In my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.
I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.
I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."
One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control.
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; hewas in the electric chair.
A vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on my door. Before I spoke he tipped a bucket of dog shit over my carpet & said, "If this vacuum doesn't remove every trace of it I'll personally eat what's left." I replied, "I hope you're hungry because they cut off my electric this morning!"
I walked out of the bathroom and said to my wife, "I wouldn't go in there if I was you."
She said, "Have you stunk it out again?"
I said, "No, I've just drowned your mother in the bath."
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London , and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!!
Irish Garda says,' License and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Irish Garda replies, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Irish Garda says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop.
License And registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Irish Garda says, 'The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!'
London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
Irish Garda says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the f**k out of the lawyer with it and says, ‘Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?’
Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing! Father: Really, what? Boy: That the potato should go in the front.
Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, the florist asked how much he owed and the barber replied, "I cannot accept money from you as I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a policeman came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you as I'm doing community service this week." The policeman was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you as I'm doing community service this week." The MP was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it. As Margaret Thatcher said, "Both politicians and nappies need to be changed often and for the same reason!"
I asked my mate to pass the newspaper. He gave me his IPad and said how about you drag yourself into the 21st century. That fly never knew what hit it!
Comments
Because Chernobyl fallout.
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity.
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen, the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home early and a guy was jogging past my house, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook. In my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.
I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.
I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."
One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control.
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
"#MeToo" said Florence.
Yesterday evening I had to change a lightbulb, a bit later on I crossed the road. Then I walked into a bar..
My life is a joke.
Father: Really, what?
Boy: That the potato should go in the front.
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, the florist asked how much he owed and the barber replied, "I cannot accept money from you as I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a policeman came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you as I'm doing community service this week." The policeman was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you as I'm doing community service this week." The MP was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it. As Margaret Thatcher said, "Both politicians and nappies need to be changed often and for the same reason!"
Just tried to pay for my pick 'n' mix at Cineworld with a fifty pound note & got told they don't accept them.
So I had to give her two twenties & a ten instead.