I was so happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, and that was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear! It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to! She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside.
With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is: "Always keep your condoms in your car."
My wife had a shower and walked back into the bedroom Stark naked. “Close the curtains” she said. “ I don’t want the neighbors to see me naked” ”don’t worry “ I replied “ if they see you naked they’ll be closing their own fucking curtains!!”
What has a priest and a pint of Guinness got in common? They both have a black body with a white collar and you have to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things, when he noticed an old lady following him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.
Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
“Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.”
“I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “is there anything I can do for you?”
“Yes,” she said, “As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Good bye, Mother’? It would make me feel so much better.”
“Sure,” answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye, Mother!”
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was £127.50.
“How can that be?” He asked, “I only purchased a few things!”
“Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the girl on the till.
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was Intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES - These really do work!
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and, hey presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers, simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives and you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
Not a joke as such, but made me laugh while reading this on the thunderbox this morning, tonight's TV.
Ch4 10PM - MUMS MAKE PORN. Part2/3
Having done their research the five mothers begin to immerse themselves into the porn industry, and take part in a script writing masterclass with producer......(wait for it) DICK BUSH.
I bought my son an iPad. The wife got me an iPhone and I got her an iRon.
The wife wasn't overjoyed even after I explained that it can be integrated with the iWash, iCook, iClean network. This opened the iNag reminder service which totally wiped out the iShag function!
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?' 'Eight', the boy replied. The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?' The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four." "Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be
able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none
of those."
Comments
I was so happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, and that was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear! It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to! She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside.
With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is: "Always keep your condoms in your car."
"Got complimented on my Parking today... Got back to the car to find a note saying; Parking Fine"
“Close the curtains” she said. “ I don’t want the neighbors to see me naked”
”don’t worry “ I replied
“ if they see you naked they’ll be closing their own fucking curtains!!”
They both have a black body with a white collar and you have to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and, hey presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers, simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives and you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
I called my 2 kids Lager and Guinness.
My wife's bitter.
I am gonna have to start posting jokes from @jokesuk on twitter aswell haha
I've just been introduced to a palace season ticket holder called Nigel Charlton.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
He was so thoughtful though, his last words, as if to comfort me after he'd gone, were "for fucks sake man be positive"....