How about I tried to start up a Green Party football team but they couldn't play because the penalty areas had been set aside for growing wild flowers and they wouldn't cut the grass.
How about you post an actual joke on the jokes thread?
How about I tried to start up a Green Party football team but they couldn't play because the penalty areas had been set aside for growing wild flowers and they wouldn't cut the grass.
How about you post an actual joke on the jokes thread?
Little sam asked his dad for a bike for his b'day. He said "No son, the mortgage is 80k and ur mummy has just lost her job" Next day Sam walked out, with his suitcase packed. His dad, asked "Where are you goin son?".. Sam replied, "I walked past ur bedroom lastnight and heard u say to mum, that you're pullin out, she said to wait cos she was comin too, and i'm not staying here on my own with a 80k mortgage, and no fucking bike..!!
Dad was becoming increasingly frustrated at his young son's poor performance at school. And his disobedience, general attitude and bad behaviour.
As a last resort he sent his son away to a Catholic boarding school in the hope that things might turn around. At the end of the first term the father couldn't believe the change. Good marks, perfect behaviour, great report from the school.
Dad congratulated his son and asked about the change which had come over him, to which son replied:
In the front entrance of the school was a huge picture of Christ on the cross and I thought: Crikey, they don't piss around here do they!
A young married couple are staying in a plush Paris hotel room for their honeymoon. The blushing bride is pampering herself in the deluxe bathroom whilst her fella is waiting in the four poster bed excitedly waiting to commence the first night of passion and finally consummate the marriage. She enters the bedroom,looking buff in her brand new neglige and slowly walks towards the bed where her new husband is waiting in anticipation. Just as she's about to get on the bed her new beau pipes up with: "Babe. Haven't you got lovely big t*ts"
"I beg you pardon?" She retorts. "Your b**bs love. They're bloody massive and I love them" he says. "Well. This is the first night of our married life" she says sternly "..and if you think you're going to speak like that to me for the rest of it you've got another think coming!" " I was just saying" he says solemnly. " I don't care. Get out" she says. "But love...." "Get out. Get out .Get out!!" And with that she ushers him out onto the balcony and locks the French doors behind him. So there he is ,poor fella, newly married and stood out on the balcony of the honeymoon suite freezing his nuts off when he should inside getting his nuts in! He's been stood there about ten minutes when all of a sudden, two balconies down the French doors open and out trundles another fella pleading with his missus to let him back in, to no avail.
"What happened to you?" shouts the newly wed fella. "I'm devastated mate" says the second bloke. "We're here on our anniversary and as my beautiful wife was getting into bed I told her how much I loved her lovely big arse.she went mental and kicked me out here!"
The newlywed laughs and starts to tell his first night tale of woe and his wife's big t*ts. As he's doing so, the French doors open up on the balcony two apartments down the other side and out walks another fella with a flea in his ear. " Bet you put your foot in it." Shout the first two men. "No" replies the third man. "But I f*****g well could have done!!"
A man goes to the doctors to get some test results after feeling unwell over the past few weeks. "Mr Jones, I'm afraid I have some bad news."
"What is it?" he says.
" You've unfortunately contracted AIDS" says the doctor' "Sadly.." he continues " it is a very rare form of AIDS. HIV556" "HIV556? Well what does that mean" " I'm sorry to tell you this" the doctor says" but as its HIV556, you will be dead within 3 weeks!" The man leaves the doctors and heads round to his old mum's to tell her his fatal news. They have a cry together and sit shocked in the living room." " Come on" says his mum. "We can't sit moping around for 3 weeks. We need to go out" "But where mum?" says the heart broken man.
"BINGO" she says. "You're coming down the bingo with me" So off they go to the local hall. They start playing and the man is on fire. Winning Single and double lines. He lost count of the amount of full houses he won! Completely cleaned up.
At the end of the night the bingo caller calls him up to the front to a rapturous applause. "Son." He says "I've been in this game 25 years and I've never met anyone so lucky!"
"LUCKY?" Says the bewildered man. "LUCKY!….... I've got HIV556!
"F**k me" says the bingo caller "You've only gone and won the Raffle as well !!"
A woman found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell The woman that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some Veet hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The woman went to the store and bought some "Veet hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." The woman said, "I'm not using it under my arms." The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." The woman replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week
3 boys are talking about who's mum has got the biggest mouth. "My mum can have an entire apple in her mouth", says the first one. "My mum can have an entire orange in her mouth", says the second one. "Ha, that's nothing", says the third one. "My mum can have an entire lamp in her mouth". "No way", the other two say. "She can. Last night I walked past my parents bedroom and mum said to dad: If you turn the lamp off, I'll put it in my mouth".
Just heard the sad news of a mate being run over by several vehicles. First was a red lorry then a yellow lorry then another red lorry followed by another yellow one ! There was no easy way to tell his family !!!
Just heard the sad news of a mate being run over by several vehicles. First was a red lorry then a yellow lorry then another red lorry followed by another yellow one ! There was no easy way to tell his family !!!
Just heard the sad news of a mate being run over by several vehicles. First was a red lorry then a yellow lorry then another red lorry followed by another yellow one ! There was no easy way to tell his family !!!
Comments
I'm now banned from every beach in England!.
Fucking waste of money that was.
As a last resort he sent his son away to a Catholic boarding school in the hope that things might turn around. At the end of the first term the father couldn't believe the change. Good marks, perfect behaviour, great report from the school.
Dad congratulated his son and asked about the change which had come over him, to which son replied:
In the front entrance of the school was a huge picture of Christ on the cross and I thought: Crikey, they don't piss around here do they!
'Four down, four letters, strictly feminine, ends in U N T'
'AUNT' replies the other.
'Brilliant, have you got a rubber?'
Came last, what a rubbish tip.
The blushing bride is pampering herself in the deluxe bathroom whilst her fella is waiting in the four poster bed excitedly waiting to commence the first night of passion and finally consummate the marriage.
She enters the bedroom,looking buff in her brand new neglige and slowly walks towards the bed where her new husband is waiting in anticipation. Just as she's about to get on the bed her new beau pipes up with:
"Babe. Haven't you got lovely big t*ts"
"I beg you pardon?" She retorts.
"Your b**bs love. They're bloody massive and I love them" he says.
"Well. This is the first night of our married life" she says sternly "..and if you think you're going to speak like that to me for the rest of it you've got another think coming!"
" I was just saying" he says solemnly.
" I don't care. Get out" she says.
"But love...."
"Get out. Get out .Get out!!"
And with that she ushers him out onto the balcony and locks the French doors behind him.
So there he is ,poor fella, newly married and stood out on the balcony of the honeymoon suite freezing his nuts off when he should inside getting his nuts in!
He's been stood there about ten minutes when all of a sudden, two balconies down the French doors open and out trundles another fella pleading with his missus to let him back in, to no avail.
"What happened to you?" shouts the newly wed fella.
"I'm devastated mate" says the second bloke. "We're here on our anniversary and as my beautiful wife was getting into bed I told her how much I loved her lovely big arse.she went mental and kicked me out here!"
The newlywed laughs and starts to tell his first night tale of woe and his wife's big t*ts. As he's doing so, the French doors open up on the balcony two apartments down the other side and out walks another fella with a flea in his ear.
" Bet you put your foot in it." Shout the first two men.
"No" replies the third man.
"But I f*****g well could have done!!"
"Mr Jones, I'm afraid I have some bad news."
"What is it?" he says.
" You've unfortunately contracted AIDS" says the doctor'
"Sadly.." he continues " it is a very rare form of AIDS. HIV556"
"HIV556? Well what does that mean"
" I'm sorry to tell you this" the doctor says" but
as its HIV556, you will be dead within 3 weeks!"
The man leaves the doctors and heads round to his old mum's to tell her his fatal news.
They have a cry together and sit shocked in the living room."
" Come on" says his mum. "We can't sit moping around for 3 weeks. We need to go out"
"But where mum?" says the heart broken man.
"BINGO" she says. "You're coming down the bingo with me"
So off they go to the local hall. They start playing and the man is on fire. Winning Single and double lines. He lost count of the amount of full houses he won! Completely cleaned up.
At the end of the night the bingo caller calls him up to the front to a rapturous applause.
"Son." He says "I've been in this game 25 years and I've never met anyone so lucky!"
"LUCKY?" Says the bewildered man.
"LUCKY!….... I've got HIV556!
"F**k me" says the bingo caller "You've only gone and won the Raffle as well !!"
What's the best time to go to the dentist?
2:30
**Sorry for any offence this joke may cause**
"My mum can have an entire apple in her mouth", says the first one.
"My mum can have an entire orange in her mouth", says the second one.
"Ha, that's nothing", says the third one. "My mum can have an entire lamp in her mouth".
"No way", the other two say.
"She can. Last night I walked past my parents bedroom and mum said to dad: If you turn the lamp off, I'll put it in my mouth".
Not on my watch!
Boy did I give her a mouthful!
First was a red lorry then a yellow lorry then another red lorry followed by another yellow one !
There was no easy way to tell his family !!!
First was a red lorry then a yellow lorry then another red lorry followed by another yellow one !
There was no easy way to tell his family !!!