One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
An Irish man walks into a cafe and looks at the menu and it reads, cheese roll 10p Ham roll 20p A wank £10 He then sees a beautiful young woman behind the counter with a lovely body and huge tits. He asks, ' do you give the wanks?' ' yes I do' she purred at him 'well wash ya feckin hands and make me 2 cheese rolls '
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
This is genuine....In the restaurant yesterday the waiter came out with a great gem. A couple sitting nearby when the wife asked the waiter if they had wifi. The waiter said, "I'm sorry...you will have to talk to your husband!" .....Well it tickled me.
Mrs cafcfan had rattled through a quick crossword the other day. She said "I'm stuck - only got one clue left". "What is it", I asked. "Girl's name four letters ends in "E". I can only think of Rose and that doesn't fit. I must have got something else wrong" she replied. "Well", I said "there's your name." "What" she said. In exasperation I said, "Anne, your name, four letters ends in E".
This is genuine....In the restaurant yesterday the waiter came out with a great gem. A couple sitting nearby when the wife asked the waiter if they had wifi. The waiter said, "I'm sorry...you will have to talk to your husband!" .....Well it tickled me.
Have you overheard any gems?
A well to do woman was sitting alone in a very posh restaurant waiting for her date to arrive. She took a sip of her apéritif when she suddenly let out the most almighty fart. The whole restaurant turned round and stared at the woman in horror who glared at a passing waiter and cried, 'Stop that at once!' 'Certainly, madam,' replied the waiter, 'Which way did it go?'
I was in Canada and my car broke down so I called out the repair man to check it. It looks like you've blown a seal he said. No, just frost on my moustache. I replied.
This is genuine....In the restaurant yesterday the waiter came out with a great gem. A couple sitting nearby when the wife asked the waiter if they had wifi. The waiter said, "I'm sorry...you will have to talk to your husband!" .....Well it tickled me.
Have you overheard any gems?
A well to do woman was sitting alone in a very posh restaurant waiting for her date to arrive. She took a sip of her apéritif when she suddenly let out the most almighty fart. The whole restaurant turned round and stared at the woman in horror who glared at a passing waiter and cried, 'Stop that at once!' 'Certainly, madam,' replied the waiter, 'Which way did it go?'
The local vicar was fuming, 'someones nicked me bike' he told the verger.
The verger suggests that the vicar goes through the 10 commandments in his Sunday sermon, and when he gets to ' Thou shalt not steal' he would look around the congregation and see who looks guilty.
Come Sunday, the vicar goes through the service without a mention of the 10 commandments.
The Verger takes him to task and asks why he didn't mention it and the vicar says,' I was going through the 10 commandments in my mind beforehand, and got to 'Thou shalt no commit adultery' and remembered where I left me bike.
Comments
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."
She's been playing the lyre for 3 years.
cheese roll 10p
Ham roll 20p
A wank £10
He then sees a beautiful young woman behind the counter with a lovely body and huge tits.
He asks, ' do you give the wanks?'
' yes I do' she purred at him
'well wash ya feckin hands and make me 2 cheese rolls '
Edited ; I've had a couple of PM's.
22 divided by 7.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
Well, I say she was poor, she only had £1.38 in her purse.
It made teaching them a lot less boring.
and about another 20% to other prostitutes.
.....Well it tickled me.
Have you overheard any gems?
She said "I'm stuck - only got one clue left".
"What is it", I asked.
"Girl's name four letters ends in "E". I can only think of Rose and that doesn't fit. I must have got something else wrong" she replied.
"Well", I said "there's your name."
"What" she said.
In exasperation I said, "Anne, your name, four letters ends in E".
'Certainly, madam,' replied the waiter,
'Which way did it go?'
It looks like you've blown a seal he said.
No, just frost on my moustache. I replied.
The verger suggests that the vicar goes through the 10 commandments in his Sunday sermon, and when he gets to ' Thou shalt not steal' he would look around the congregation and see who looks guilty.
Come Sunday, the vicar goes through the service without a mention of the 10 commandments.
The Verger takes him to task and asks why he didn't mention it and the vicar says,' I was going through the 10 commandments in my mind beforehand, and got to 'Thou shalt no commit adultery' and remembered where I left me bike.
We shall not see his like again.
In summary, all 4-1 and one 4 all.
The horse says 'Because this is a Wetherspoons'