A Jaguar mechanic was removing the cylinder head from the engine of an E-Type when he spotted a well-known cardiac surgeon in the garage. The cardiac surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make £30,000 a year and you make £600,000, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiac surgeon paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic:
A Jaguar mechanic was removing the cylinder head from the engine of an E-Type when he spotted a well-known cardiac surgeon in the garage. The cardiac surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make £30,000 a year and you make £600,000, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiac surgeon paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic:
"Try doing it with the engine running."
Alternative ending.
The cardiac surgeon paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic: 'Yes, but you've left the keys in and the window down'.
I sometimes feel suicidal so my therapist suggested I do CBT. So I did, and now I can ride a motorbike. How’s that going to help?
You misunderstood your therapist. Cock and ball torture (CBT) is a sexual activity involving application of pain or constriction to the male genitals. I suggest you change your therapist.
> > Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at > > them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what > > you have learned, what you believe in." > > > > God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?" > > > > He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard > > work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was > > lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen". > > > > God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama , and offers him a > > seat to his left. > > > > Then God turns to Hillary and says, "What do you believe?" > > > > Hillary says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the > > fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been > > lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal > > American." > > > > God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers her > > a seat to his right. > > > > Finally, God turns to Trump and says, "And you, Donald, what do you > > believe?" > > > > Trump replies, "I believe you're in my seat." > >
My wife told me about the latest food health warning about burnt toast & roast potatoes. I told her I take all these warnings with a pinch of salt. She said noooooooo you must not do that.
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks for?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move." "Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's Donald Trump's clock?" asked the man. St. Peter replied, "We're using it as a ceiling fan."
Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey. As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Hey mate, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife..
Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.
Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?' 'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies. 'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow." She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'
I nearly talked my way out of a speeding ticket. All was going well until he asked me if I wanted a ticket for the policeman's ball. I shouldn't have asked if it was a dance or a raffle.
Comments
Because the pee is silent.
A Jaguar mechanic was removing the cylinder head from the engine of an
E-Type when
he spotted a well-known cardiac surgeon in the garage.
The cardiac surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come and
take a look at
his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take
a look at this?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
"So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out,
repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in,
and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make
£30,000 a year
and you make £600,000, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiac surgeon paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic:
"Try doing it with the engine running."
Fo' drizzle
The cardiac surgeon paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic: 'Yes, but you've left the keys in and the window down'.
Just to take The Edge off.
So I did, and now I can ride a motorbike.
How’s that going to help?
> > Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at
> > them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what
> > you have learned, what you believe in."
> >
> > God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?"
> >
> > He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard
> > work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was
> > lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen".
> >
> > God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama , and offers him a
> > seat to his left.
> >
> > Then God turns to Hillary and says, "What do you believe?"
> >
> > Hillary says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the
> > fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been
> > lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal
> > American."
> >
> > God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers her
> > a seat to his right.
> >
> > Finally, God turns to Trump and says, "And you, Donald, what do you
> > believe?"
> >
> > Trump replies, "I believe you're in my seat."
> >
Climbing into bed late last night:
As I was getting in bed, she said, "You're drunk". I said, "How do you
Know?" She said, "You live next door."
As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks for?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Donald Trump's clock?" asked the man.
St. Peter replied, "We're using it as a ceiling fan."
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Hey mate, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife..
Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.
Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.
'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'
Every time someone put it on, he went to another room and read a book.
https://youtu.be/UWuc18xISwI
I replied, 'Tourette's....now fuck off you c*_t'