The job interviewer asked, "whats your full name?" "It's Peter Fucking Bastard Piss Flaps Smith." The interviewer asked me, "do you suffer from tourettes Peter?" "No" I replied, "but the vicar at my Christening did.":)
The job interviewer asked, "whats your full name?" "It's Peter Fucking Bastard Piss Flaps Smith." The interviewer asked me, "do you suffer from tourettes Peter?" "No" I replied, "but the vicar at my Christening did.":)
This is the best of the lot. Well done, and thank you.
I was lying in bed with particularly horny woman the other night who whispered, "Give me 12 inches and make me bleed.." So I fucked her twice and punched her on the nose.
Little Sally was digging a hole in her garden when her neighbour asked what she was doing. "I'm burying my pet bird", Sally said. Her neighbour asked: "Isn't that an awfully big hole, for such a little bird?" Sally replied: "Yeah, except he's inside your cat."
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"
Bloke comes home from the pub and talks to his wife. "You know that milkman of ours, well he was in the pub just now bragging that he'd shagged every woman in our street except for one." Wife...."Ooooh I bet it's that stuck up cow at number 47."
TOPICAL FOR TODAY, 20TH JANUARY, 2017. TRUMP THIS.
> > Subject: A Message From The Queen
> >
> A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN > To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty > Queen Elizabeth II. > In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the > USA, and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of > your independence, effective immediately. > Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over > all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she > does not fancy). > Our new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for America > without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be > disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether > any of you noticed. > To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules > are introduced with immediate effect: > ----------------------- > 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' > 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' > without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by > the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary > to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). > > ------------------------ > 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as > 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of > communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft > know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take > into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' > > ------------------- > 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. > > ----------------- > 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or > therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that > you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for > shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or > speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse. > > ---------------------- > 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more > dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you > wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. > > ---------------------- > 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start > driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go > metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. > Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of > humour. > > -------------------- > 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling > gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. > > ------------------- > 8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are > not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are > properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and > dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. > > ------------------- > 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer > at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, > and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as > Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the > greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They > are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American > brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be > sold without risk of further confusion. > > --------------------- > 10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good > guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English > characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings > and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a > cheese grater. > > --------------------- > 11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of > proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, > be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, > but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full > kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). > > --------------------- > 12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an > event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of > America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your > borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will > let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their > deliveries. > > -------------------- > 13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. > > ----------------- > 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's > Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies > due (backdated to 1776). > > --------------- > 15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, > and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus > strawberries (with cream) when in season. > > God Save the Queen! >
The hunchback of Notre Dame needed a job. He knocked on the door of the belltower. The gentleman at the door asked,
"What do you want?" The hunchback replied,
"I need a job. I want to ring the bell."
"You're too short to ring the bell," said the gentleman. The hunchback said,
"Just give me one chance to prove to you that I can."
The gentleman agrees and the two go up to the bell at the top of the tower. Clearly the small man could not reach the bell. He takes a few steps back and takes a running jump, banging the bell with his face. "Okay," said the gentleman, "but you can't do it more than once, you'll hurt yourself."
But the hunchback did it again and again and again and was fine. He gets the job.
The next day the same gentleman is walking down the street with the priest. The hunchback of Notre Dame takes his running start, misses the bell and falls of the building, crashing to the ground, dead. The priest goes,
"Oh my god! Did you know this man?" The gentleman replies,
With valentines approaching I went to a lingerie shop today. Not being an expert, I asked the lady, "Are these knickers satin?" No, she said, they're new
Comments
I went back to my mate and said....
Just imagine if Charlton sign Payet? Our lineup would look like:
Payet
One if nobody's looking.
Especially not in a 'Jokes' thread.
"It's Peter Fucking Bastard Piss Flaps Smith."
The interviewer asked me, "do you suffer from tourettes Peter?"
"No" I replied, "but the vicar at my Christening did.":)
A four-chin teller.
Can you believe that?! 2:30am....!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums...
First go he cuts all his fingers off.
Gets to the hospital doctor says ' Pity you didn't bring them with you, I could have sewn them back on'.
Bloke replies : 'I COULDN'T PICK EM UP'
"Give me 12 inches and make me bleed.."
So I fucked her twice and punched her on the nose.
"I'm burying my pet bird", Sally said.
Her neighbour asked: "Isn't that an awfully big hole, for such a little bird?"
Sally replied: "Yeah, except he's inside your cat."
'What you doing' he says.
She says: 'I asked you should I tip the milkman, and you said no, fuck 'im'.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"
"You know that milkman of ours, well he was in the pub just now bragging that he'd shagged every woman in our street except for one."
Wife...."Ooooh I bet it's that stuck up cow at number 47."
TOPICAL FOR TODAY, 20TH JANUARY, 2017. TRUMP THIS.
>
> Subject: A Message From The Queen
>
>
> A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
> To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty
> Queen Elizabeth II.
> In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the
> USA, and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
> your independence, effective immediately.
> Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
> all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she
> does not fancy).
> Our new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for America
> without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
> disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether
> any of you noticed.
> To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules
> are introduced with immediate effect:
> -----------------------
> 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,'
> 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
> without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by
> the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary
> to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
>
> ------------------------
> 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
> 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
> communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft
> know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
> into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
>
> -------------------
> 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
>
> -----------------
> 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
> therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
> you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for
> shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or
> speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
>
> ----------------------
> 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
> dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you
> wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
>
> ----------------------
> 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
> driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
> metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
> Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of
> humour.
>
> --------------------
> 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling
> gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
>
> -------------------
> 8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
> not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
> properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
> dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
>
> -------------------
> 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
> at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,
> and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as
> Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the
> greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They
> are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American
> brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be
> sold without risk of further confusion.
>
> ---------------------
> 10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
> guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
> characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings
> and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a
> cheese grater.
>
> ---------------------
> 11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
> proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time,
> be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football,
> but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full
> kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
>
> ---------------------
> 12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
> event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
> America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your
> borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will
> let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their
> deliveries.
>
> --------------------
> 13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
>
> -----------------
> 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
> Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies
> due (backdated to 1776).
>
> ---------------
> 15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers,
> and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus
> strawberries (with cream) when in season.
>
> God Save the Queen!
>
The hunchback of Notre Dame needed a job. He knocked on the door of the belltower. The gentleman at the door asked,
"What do you want?" The hunchback replied,
"I need a job. I want to ring the bell."
"You're too short to ring the bell," said the gentleman. The hunchback said,
"Just give me one chance to prove to you that I can."
The gentleman agrees and the two go up to the bell at the top of the tower. Clearly the small man could not reach the bell. He takes a few steps back and takes a running jump, banging the bell with his face.
"Okay," said the gentleman, "but you can't do it more than once, you'll hurt yourself."
But the hunchback did it again and again and again and was fine. He gets the job.
The next day the same gentleman is walking down the street with the priest. The hunchback of Notre Dame takes his running start, misses the bell and falls of the building, crashing to the ground, dead. The priest goes,
"Oh my god! Did you know this man?" The gentleman replies,
"No, but his face rings a bell."
Not being an expert, I asked the lady, "Are these knickers satin?"
No, she said, they're new