Has the Jokes thread disappeared?

limeygent

Raith_C_Chattonell

This sign has appeared in Dunedin airport NZ.  It is to do with drop off times ...

cafcfan

Raith_C_Chattonell said:

This sign has appeared in Dunedin airport NZ.  It is to do with drop off times ...

They can be very "to the point" in New Zealand. The sat navs are hilarious. They get really tetchy if you miss a turning. They also come up with phrases like "You have reached your destination, time for a steak and cheese pie." Or "put on your jandles and head to the beach".

thai malaysia addick

cafcfan said:

Raith_C_Chattonell said:

This sign has appeared in Dunedin airport NZ.  It is to do with drop off times ...

They can be very "to the point" in New Zealand. The sat navs are hilarious. They get really tetchy if you miss a turning. They also come up with phrases like "You have reached your destination, time for a steak and cheese pie." Or "put on your jandles and head to the beach".

They are more direct at Leeds Airport as Yorkshire folk are. Three minutes - get thee awt. Any longer: get a blooming hotel.

Ian Nightingale

LargeAddick

what do farmers feed their cows for breakfast?

mooesli

Foxycafc

Last Christmas, the lesbian couple next door got me a brand new Rolex!

I think they misunderstood when I told them “I wanna watch”

cafcdave123

AddicksAddict

ForeverAddickted

I got a lovely compliment the other day, some woman shouted BARGAIN at me.

I turned around, and said... "That means a great deal"

IdleHans

ForeverAddickted said:

I got a lovely compliment the other day, some woman shouted PLETHORA at me.

I turned around, and said... "That means a lot"

Blackheathen

I wonder if FA has any others up his sleeve

MrOneLung

Why is there only one word for thesaurus? 

ForeverAddickted

Blackheathen said:

I wonder if FA has any others up his sleeve

The Grass in my garden disappeared over night... the first I knew of it, was because the birds were looking forlorn.

seth plum

I've been given a Jehovah's Witness advent calendar!

Most of the doors don't open and the ones that do say fuck off.

seth plum

Looking at the famous bridge north of Edinburgh was told they have a revolutionary new paint that allows you to put on several years' worth of coats in one go. Now they go to the Forth and multi-apply.

seth plum

I was crossing the road in London, and walking along side me was Nigel Farage. Suddenly, a white van comes out of nowhere and it very nearly hits him.

I thought, Jesus that could have been me. I can drive a van.

seth plum

The best thing about Switzerland is the flag.

OK, maybe it's not the absolute best thing, but it's a big plus.

seth plum

Made a big mistake at the dentist the other day. He said 'spit it out' so I told him I've been bonking his wife.

clive

Glass coffins
Will they catch on?

Remains to be seen.

DaveMehmet

For a laugh, I swapped all the wrappers around in our box of celebrations.

My wife wasn’t happy, she got her snickers in a twix

MrOneLung

Tampax a releasing a tampon with a piece of tinsel instead of a string. 

Just for the Christmas period. 

_MrDick

Just had a train run over my foot .. probably my own fault for wearing platforms.

Stuart_the_Red

As Ephraim Zimbalist junior said to Ephraim Zimbalist senior: „ain‘t you got any fucking imagination, Dad?“.

seth plum

This weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drizzul, thundar, lightening, tawnaydoze and eye tydes. The tempritures will forl bellow freesing in sum playsiss and the strong wynds will make it feel much coalder.

Yes, it's a really bad spell of whether.

seth plum

Why do Geordies like shopping at budget German supermarkets?

Because they’re open Aldi

seth plum

Just went to get a coffee and it started to laugh at me. 

It was a mocha.

seth plum

I ordered a coffee but all I got was a cup with a small monkey in it. 

It was a capuchino.

seth plum

I’m bald but I still own a comb. I just can’t part with it.

limeygent