Years back I worked with this bloke, who was in charge of the office, who was a decent funny guy, but who had a small bag of mini cheddars in his desk drawer, and would sneakily eat one, whenever he thought no one was looking. What made it a bit bizarre, was that none of us gave two fucks whether he was eating anything or not, he could have been eating a pineapple whole for all I cared, but if you asked him something after he had put a mini cheddar in his mouth, he would pretend he had nothing in his gob. The result was a mumbled, awkward, there’s-nothing-in-my-mouth reply, for no reason I could ever work out. Maybe they were laced with an illegal substance, or the poor bastard was just really hungry, but the point was he had no need to be secretive, as I say, he could have been eating a raw cow, for all we cared. It was something that so did not matter, that it seemed somehow more significant precisely because of that. We sadly lost contact after the restraining order he got, preventing me from following him home to watch from his greenhouse what he was eating in his kitchen ( the binoculars were brilliant ) but we all move on, I guess
In the early Eighties, Peter, a surveyor at work was demoted and dumped into our section. He was a bit of an oddball, in his 60s, pasty grey skin, thin as a rake, dressed like a tramp, and used to spend his lunch break rummaging for food in bins and drinking the dregs of people's tea over the road at Victoria station. He lived like a recluse and we never saw him spend any money. It was rumoured he was a millionaire. He didn't really speak to anyone while in our office.
We had a Polish woman, Theresa, working in the office. She regularly went over to visit family and was over there when the Solidarity uprising began. Unfortunately for her she went over using her Polish passport rather than her UK one. Martial law was declared and she wasn't allowed to leave the country.
After she had been over there for a week, we came in the next Monday to discover Peter wasn't in. No one thought anything of it until our boss told us he had travelled over to Poland with her UK passport and they were due back on the Thursday. How he got it we don't know as they had never spoken at work.
Thursday came and went with no sign of them so the rumour mill went into overdrive. On the Friday, me and my mate Jerry hatched a plan as a joke. Our mate Robby who was off with a broken leg, could do a perfect impersonation of Peter. We got him to phone up our supervisor and say he had been arrested, was being kept under armed guard in his hotel and his passport had been confiscated. He kept the conversation going for 20 minutes while me and Jerry were pissing ourselves laughing as we listened on another extension. Robby ended the call without letting on it was a joke. we were so busy laughing, we didn't see our supervisor leave the room.
When he came back 20 minutes later, he told us he had spoken to one of the directors and the Foreign Office had been notified! We spent another 20 minutes trying to convince him it had been a joke but he refused to believe us. We only convinced him when we called Robby, who then did his impersonation. The blokes face dropped and he rushed back out of the office to tell the director. Me and Jerry got hauled upstairs later expecting to be sacked but the director thought it was hilarious. He had pulled a few strings with some establishment mates to sort it out. Told us to tell everyone we had got a right bollocking and left it at that.
Peter and Theresa returned to work the next week. Neither of them ever spoke about what had happened and never even spoke to each other in the office, so we let our imaginations run riot. I started up a cartoon strip featuring him as a James Bond type character, it had a readership of hundreds! When he found out, he went to a police station asking to have me arrested for defamation of character! He got laughed out of the nick. I still wonder what actually happened.
Just goes to show you never know who will step up.
Used to work for a double glazing company. One guy looked like Will from the inbetweeners and ended up being abducted and kept locked in a room by another colleague for a couple of weeks. That was weird.
Years back I worked with this bloke, who was in charge of the office, who was a decent funny guy, but who had a small bag of mini cheddars in his desk drawer, and would sneakily eat one, whenever he thought no one was looking. What made it a bit bizarre, was that none of us gave two fucks whether he was eating anything or not, he could have been eating a pineapple whole for all I cared, but if you asked him something after he had put a mini cheddar in his mouth, he would pretend he had nothing in his gob. The result was a mumbled, awkward, there’s-nothing-in-my-mouth reply, for no reason I could ever work out. Maybe they were laced with an illegal substance, or the poor bastard was just really hungry, but the point was he had no need to be secretive, as I say, he could have been eating a raw cow, for all we cared. It was something that so did not matter, that it seemed somehow more significant precisely because of that. We sadly lost contact after the restraining order he got, preventing me from following him home to watch from his greenhouse what he was eating in his kitchen ( the binoculars were brilliant ) but we all move on, I guess
Being a bit meticulous about things it really annoys me when colleagues don't punch holes in paper in the middle so when filed everything looks higgedy piggedy. Very annoying.
Are you from 1950?
I don't think Large really understood the idea of this thread. TBF he did say PWR so maybe its understandable...........then again, knowing Large as I do I expect hole punches not being in the right place is probably about as exciting as his life gets
I worked with a cleaner back in my customer service days, who was a proper odd ball. Whistled/sang operatic tunes all day long (including at the top of his voice when the restaurant was packed), randomly did tricep dips/lunges etc all over the restaurant (also whilst full). This was all in between bouts of trying to sell the benefits of Dianetics to anyone that was within earshot.
He did a number of things that stand out but these two are probably the highlights.
He was obsessive over women. Buying them gifts if they smiled at him/helped him in the smallest of ways. Anyway, he turns up outside the female manager's house one night singing outside her window. Romantic, you might say. Except for the fact that he was stark bollock naked and she had never told him where she lived.
On another occasion, once again in a full restaurant, he comes out to the dessert area (bang in the centre of the restaurant), opens the fridge, grabs a pint of double cream, takes off the lid and downs it in one. We are talking cream dripping down his face here. Then he walks out of the restaurant.
He got sacked shortly after for picking the manager up by the neck in the middle of a shift for not promoting him.
How he lasted over year doing all this crap is beyond me.
Spent a few years in the forces, might be best I don't remember a few drunken stories, needless to say both hilarious (at the time) and equally revolting
I worked with a cleaner back in my customer service days, who was a proper odd ball. Whistled/sang operatic tunes all day long (including at the top of his voice when the restaurant was packed), randomly did tricep dips/lunges etc all over the restaurant (also whilst full). This was all in between bouts of trying to sell the benefits of Dianetics to anyone that was within earshot.
He did a number of things that stand out but these two are probably the highlights.
He was obsessive over women. Buying them gifts if they smiled at him/helped him in the smallest of ways. Anyway, he turns up outside the female manager's house one night singing outside her window. Romantic, you might say. Except for the fact that he was stark bollock naked and she had never told him where she lived.
On another occasion, once again in a full restaurant, he comes out to the dessert area (bang in the centre of the restaurant), opens the fridge, grabs a pint of double cream, takes off the lid and downs it in one. We are talking cream dripping down his face here. Then he walks out of the restaurant.
He got sacked shortly after for picking the manager up by the neck in the middle of a shift for not promoting him.
How he lasted over year doing all this crap is beyond me.
He didn't get the sack for standing outside a colleagues house stark naked?! Bloody liberals..
Spent a few years in the forces, might be best I don't remember a few drunken stories, needless to say both hilarious (at the time) and equally revolting
A women at my work used to pick her nose incessantly and place her workings in a coffee cup at the front of her desk where everyone could see. Reader, I married her.
I once disassembled my mates bike right down to the last nut and bolt, put in in a large sack and stuck it under his desk. My colleagues told me he wouldn’t find it funny but I thought he would. They were correct, he was livid. Anyway he was a Palarse supporter so I thought he was fair game to be wound up.
One time I was at work, only last year, there was a woman who came in and claimed to be successful and to talk about her successes to a group of female university students.
Somehow she ended up on the third floor of the building completely lost, calling out for someone to help her.
Girl mid 20s at work. Spins around in her chair and accidentally kicks her rucksack over. It was open and out falls a massive vibrator. You know those rampant rabbit types.
Only me and one other guy saw it... we haven't stopped laughing about it yet. She asked us to keep it quiet and has avoided us ever since.
.....that’s a classic. I’d be asking her out for sure, sounds like she could be fun....
Picking up on the theme of food I once worked in an office when a young female admin trainee started work. All went as normal on her first morning and we get to lunch time and she gets her lunch out of the office fridge.
It's a pack of the cheapest, nastiest sausages you could buy that she says her mum sent her off to her first days work with. She returns to her desk and starts eating these culinary crimes. Raw. One after the other. Down they go as we sit around aghast and by now rapidily going off our lunch...
One of the fire fighters at our station built his garden shed from scratch, but was shocked when he couldn't get it out of his front room and into his garden.
Crikey, after 25 years in the work force where do you start with this one?
Probably the weirdest one was when I worked in a coffee wholesalers and there was a “serious incident” involving the receptionist and the warehouse manager.
They were always bickering about something or another, normally involving her calling in him all the way from the warehouse to take a call rather than take a message for him.
Anyway, one day this happens again and they start having a massive screaming match in reception and she storms out and says, “Right, I am going to fucking kill him.”
She was gone for about 10 minutes and then suddenly bursts through the main doors brandishing the biggest fucking hunting knife you’ve ever seen and starts heading for the warehouse.
When she gets in there he saw her coming towards him and jumped in the nearby forklift and starts accelerating away from her and towards the car park whilst she chased after him in her fucking mini skirt and high heels trying to shank him.
That was on the Friday afternoon and by the Monday morning they were both back at work like nothing had happened.....
One my wife's stories actually, but she worked for a public sector organisation and the senior economist was very rich and posh, and lived on a large estate. He had no idea how ridiculous some of his demands were. He was hosting a BBQ, and asked his secretary to phone the RAF to make sure any of the planes at a nearby airbase did not fly that day so it didn't disturb his guests
Girl mid 20s at work. Spins around in her chair and accidentally kicks her rucksack over. It was open and out falls a massive vibrator. You know those rampant rabbit types.
Only me and one other guy saw it... we haven't stopped laughing about it yet. She asked us to keep it quiet and has avoided us ever since.
.....that’s a classic. I’d be asking her out for sure, sounds like she could be fun....
Must be 15 years ago now. Weird fella I used to work on shift with had a spare key to our managers office. Unbeknown to us ,On nights he used to sneak in to the empty office downstairs. Strip off and Skype his Romanian bit on the side.
One morning he forgot to log off one of the shared PC's we all used in our office. Did his handover to the next shift and went home. A quick peruse by the next shift through the dimwits picture gallery and there he was. Sat in my managers chair stark bollock naked with a caption underneath 'At work. Not a lot on! ;-) '
The jokers on E-shift thought it would be a good idea to send this pic to EVERYONE in the company, from his email address. Needless to say I never saw him again! Had big ramifications for everyone else though as a huge investigation was launched into who was sending what and to whom and lead to fair few more sackings.
I once disassembled my mates bike right down to the last nut and bolt, put in in a large sack and stuck it under his desk. My colleagues told me he wouldn’t find it funny but I thought he would. They were correct, he was livid. Anyway he was a Palarse supporter so I thought he was fair game to be wound up.
An old boss of mine made up an entire fantasy life that he supposedly had outside of work.
We worked in a team of about 20, 80% women. They'd pester men about their love life etc. so he told them he had this girlfriend, kept it going for months and months. He even made up fake Facebook accounts for his fake girlfriend and his friends and check himself into places with them.
He slipped up when he posted a picture of a Playboy model and pretended it was his girlfriend but still no one questioned him to his face.
He'd also pretend he was on holiday and use stock images from Google and all places and pretend he was in the casinos in Monaco...except I'd seen him in Tesco in Woolwich on the same day.
I don't work with him anymore but he still does it to this day because no one ever said anything to him. He's actually a nice bloke, very good at his job, loves his football and a beer, but for some reason felt the need to invent this alternate life outside of work. Quite sad really.
Used to work for a double glazing company. One guy looked like Will from the inbetweeners and ended up being abducted and kept locked in a room by another colleague for a couple of weeks. That was weird.
A new apprentice started at the office and came in on the first day dressed in split skirt, stocking, the lot. All the blokes were around her all day, tongues hanging out and you could see she was loving it although on the surface butter wouldn't melt. This went on all week until it was finally Friday and we went down the pub as usual, and of course we asked her. Anyway we all had a skinful and she was putting them away drink for Drink with the best of us. It got to closing time and one by one all our colleagues drifted off until there was only me and her. We headed off for the rail station only to find that...oh sorry, I thought it was the "imaginary bollocks" thread.
Used to work for a double glazing company. One guy looked like Will from the inbetweeners and ended up being abducted and kept locked in a room by another colleague for a couple of weeks. That was weird.
Basically that... It was after I left but I had worked with both. We were door knockers getting leads for the salesmen (wankers). It was an eye opener... I was 17, first job, and the strangest bunch of people. So the guy who looked like Will (and I shall call him thus) was also similar in terms of his social skills (me as well tbf, we got on) and the others guys were just as odd. Most had suicidal and/or alcoholic tendencies or had been involved with crime. One guy was 6'8" and called "tiny". He was a schizophrenic and petrol sniffer and was in a relationship with a girl who also worked there. She lied and told people we had history at school (someone who lies about getting off with me is, quite frankly, meshuga). Anyway, she split up with tiny because she saw him kissing will. Nobody believed her because she was a habitual liar, who was on the run from another boyfriend who was in prison (that happened to be true). Anyway, at 3am I get a call from my ex-boss (who knew all the belligerents, but got sacked for finance fraud), much to the chagrin of my naked dad who took the call, to tell me the news. will had fled tiny's house after spending a couple of weeks of imprisonment (some of which days were spent in a car boot). He didn't want to press charges because he'd been through enough (gay rape never gets reported but hey, innocent until proven guilty right?) But pretty sickening. Will is actually pretty happy now, fuck knows about tiny. Might write a book about that place.
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Maybe they were laced with an illegal substance, or the poor bastard was just really hungry, but the point was he had no need to be secretive, as I say, he could have been eating a raw cow, for all we cared.
It was something that so did not matter, that it seemed somehow more significant precisely because of that.
We sadly lost contact after the restraining order he got, preventing me from following him home to watch from his greenhouse what he was eating in his kitchen ( the binoculars were brilliant ) but we all move on, I guess
He did a number of things that stand out but these two are probably the highlights.
He was obsessive over women. Buying them gifts if they smiled at him/helped him in the smallest of ways. Anyway, he turns up outside the female manager's house one night singing outside her window. Romantic, you might say. Except for the fact that he was stark bollock naked and she had never told him where she lived.
On another occasion, once again in a full restaurant, he comes out to the dessert area (bang in the centre of the restaurant), opens the fridge, grabs a pint of double cream, takes off the lid and downs it in one. We are talking cream dripping down his face here. Then he walks out of the restaurant.
He got sacked shortly after for picking the manager up by the neck in the middle of a shift for not promoting him.
How he lasted over year doing all this crap is beyond me.
They were correct, he was livid.
Anyway he was a Palarse supporter so I thought he was fair game to be wound up.
Somehow she ended up on the third floor of the building completely lost, calling out for someone to help her.
Weird experience that was {...}
It's a pack of the cheapest, nastiest sausages you could buy that she says her mum sent her off to her first days work with. She returns to her desk and starts eating these culinary crimes. Raw. One after the other. Down they go as we sit around aghast and by now rapidily going off our lunch...
It was the local Environmental Health Dept.
Probably the weirdest one was when I worked in a coffee wholesalers and there was a “serious incident” involving the receptionist and the warehouse manager.
They were always bickering about something or another, normally involving her calling in him all the way from the warehouse to take a call rather than take a message for him.
Anyway, one day this happens again and they start having a massive screaming match in reception and she storms out and says, “Right, I am going to fucking kill him.”
She was gone for about 10 minutes and then suddenly bursts through the main doors brandishing the biggest fucking hunting knife you’ve ever seen and starts heading for the warehouse.
When she gets in there he saw her coming towards him and jumped in the nearby forklift and starts accelerating away from her and towards the car park whilst she chased after him in her fucking mini skirt and high heels trying to shank him.
That was on the Friday afternoon and by the Monday morning they were both back at work like nothing had happened.....
One morning he forgot to log off one of the shared PC's we all used in our office. Did his handover to the next shift and went home.
A quick peruse by the next shift through the dimwits picture gallery and there he was. Sat in my managers chair stark bollock naked with a caption underneath
'At work. Not a lot on! ;-) '
The jokers on E-shift thought it would be a good idea to send this pic to EVERYONE in the company, from his email address.
Needless to say I never saw him again!
Had big ramifications for everyone else though as a huge investigation was launched into who was sending what and to whom and lead to fair few more sackings.
I've worked in various offices over a 30 year period and nothing comes close to any of these.
keep 'em coming..........
We worked in a team of about 20, 80% women. They'd pester men about their love life etc. so he told them he had this girlfriend, kept it going for months and months. He even made up fake Facebook accounts for his fake girlfriend and his friends and check himself into places with them.
He slipped up when he posted a picture of a Playboy model and pretended it was his girlfriend but still no one questioned him to his face.
He'd also pretend he was on holiday and use stock images from Google and all places and pretend he was in the casinos in Monaco...except I'd seen him in Tesco in Woolwich on the same day.
I don't work with him anymore but he still does it to this day because no one ever said anything to him. He's actually a nice bloke, very good at his job, loves his football and a beer, but for some reason felt the need to invent this alternate life outside of work. Quite sad really.
Wtf @McBobbin what happened?