Worked on a site in the late 90's and one bloke in particular was just a plain outright bullshitter.
This bloke looked like Dillon out of the magic roundabout yet he claimed to have a page 3 wife who would perform oral sex on him the minute he walked in from work, just after handing him his tea that is.
Then he would tell us that he used to be a multi millionaire but lost nearly all of his money and that the only thing he had left was the small family run museum in South Kensington.
He left the job after 3 weeks as he had just been given his royalties from his best selling book that he had written and he was off to go down the Amazon on his raft for 6 months!
Sounds like the bloke who married my sister. Rang his son (an Addick) last week to wish him happy birthday which is in three weeks time. Nephew's wife gave him dog's abuse.
Not an office job, but a character I encountered while I was moonlighting as a jazz pianist in Mayfair. (Sadly no longer in that band - a shame, as it was good money - but got ghosted out when the singer replaced me without telling me, which was a real bastard move. Fuck you [redacted].)
Obviously, there's a certain amount of weirdness if you're a musician anyway, particularly so if you're a jazz musician, but this dude took the biscuit. He only did one gig with us, but I'll reel a few things off. He was a drummer - and admittedly generally a very, VERY good one - but he was two notes short of a solo, so to speak:
- During one song he did what I can only describe as a live "fade out" in the middle of the solo sections. He went from keeping a beat to miming at the kit, pretending to play, and every so often just going "ooh", or "yeah", or "nice one! teehee!" (and yeah he did actually laugh by saying "teehee".)
- It got to the point in another song where we were all going for it where he stopped playing a beat during a bass solo (perfectly acceptable), but then got up and started walking around and trying to flirt with the lead singer (not acceptable given it was a bloody performance we were being paid to do etc, and not acceptable generally).
- Halfway through his own drum solo, he was so taken by his own playing he just mid-fill went "Woo! Well, that was the ONE right there. Woo!" and resumed playing. Quite often he would just interject with "YEAAAHHH! OOWWWW! OOOHH!" or other similar vocalisations. That's relatively standard, but man he was loud about it.
- He was, and I think still is, living in Liverpool John Lennon Airport. This isn't because he doesn't have a flat - he does, in London - but because he likes the excitement of it. Said gig I did with him was during one of his rare sojourns in the big smoke.
There's probably more but I only met him the once. Very entertaining character. Really, really fantastic drummer though, to be fair.
I didn't work with this man in question very often but I knew him. He was a good bloke but had no concept of the world the rest of us live in. He was massively into militaria and the money he made from trading that stuff, a lot of it very ghoulish (Japanese flags with blood on them, SS regalia, AK47 parts the lot). Anyway he brought some of this shit in from time to time and showed people, he didn't do it to freak people out although it did put the shits up a lot of people, it was just the way he was.
One day, I won't say when exactly but it was over 10 years ago, and I've got no idea how this happened, a hand grenade fell from his vehicle in the Blackwell tunnel and was picked up by CCTV and a hell of a lot of terrified motorists and reported to the authorities. I think the tunnel was closed for nearly 4 hours whilst the bomb squad dealt with this thing.
I'm sure a bit of this has been exaggerated as I didn't get to hear about it until the next day and by then it was about 6th hand. The main facts remain true though. A real, non replica hand grenade fell from the window of a company van, the tunnel was shut and he somehow, unbelievably, he kept his job on the condition he was banned from working out in the field forever and would remain in a permanent office role to prevent or at least limit his mayhem.
Last time I saw him was at the wedding of a former colleague and he turned up in A German officers ceremonial dress from world war two. I decided to swerve him then and even though he continues to haunt me on Facebook with friend requests I will not entertain him for fear of guilt of something by association
Never mind sacked - how was this bloke not arrested ?
I once came out the toilet cubical after a number 2, he went in. I was washing my hands and had a tap on the shoulder, "err Rob, can you sort this out please?" when I looked the toilet had blocked. I said "sure, come out the cubical and I will sort it". He then asked me "do you mind if I wee on it all first?"
With that I just walked out and left him to sort.
And yes he only had socks on.
I’m on a train and I’m literally fighting back the tears. Been some crackers on this thread but that has done me !!
Not an office job, but a character I encountered while I was moonlighting as a jazz pianist in Mayfair. (Sadly no longer in that band - a shame, as it was good money - but got ghosted out when the singer replaced me without telling me, which was a real bastard move. Fuck you [redacted].)
Obviously, there's a certain amount of weirdness if you're a musician anyway, particularly so if you're a jazz musician, but this dude took the biscuit. He only did one gig with us, but I'll reel a few things off. He was a drummer - and admittedly generally a very, VERY good one - but he was two notes short of a solo, so to speak:
- During one song he did what I can only describe as a live "fade out" in the middle of the solo sections. He went from keeping a beat to miming at the kit, pretending to play, and every so often just going "ooh", or "yeah", or "nice one! teehee!" (and yeah he did actually laugh by saying "teehee".)
- It got to the point in another song where we were all going for it where he stopped playing a beat during a bass solo (perfectly acceptable), but then got up and started walking around and trying to flirt with the lead singer (not acceptable given it was a bloody performance we were being paid to do etc, and not acceptable generally).
- Halfway through his own drum solo, he was so taken by his own playing he just mid-fill went "Woo! Well, that was the ONE right there. Woo!" and resumed playing. Quite often he would just interject with "YEAAAHHH! OOWWWW! OOOHH!" or other similar vocalisations. That's relatively standard, but man he was loud about it.
- He was, and I think still is, living in Liverpool John Lennon Airport. This isn't because he doesn't have a flat - he does, in London - but because he likes the excitement of it. Said gig I did with him was during one of his rare sojourns in the big smoke.
There's probably more but I only met him the once. Very entertaining character. Really, really fantastic drummer though, to be fair.
Great story, every drummer I know is mental. I depped in my mates band a couple of years ago, we played a packed boozer in Essex that was like The Jockey in Shamless, shocking pub, anyway halfway through the 5th song of the first set, the sax player was playing a solo, the drummer (again shit hot and plays with Bryan Robertson from Thin Lizzy fame on occasion) decided he needed a piss and just stopped playing and went and had a slash......came back and started smashing away like nothing had happened, to this day I'm not sure if the punters thought it was part of the act.
Back at a previous investment company, there was a blossoming office romance between Sarah* and Dan*. Sarah also happened to live with a gay bloke from the office, called Alex*.
Alex was notorious for sleazing on straight lads at company dos and nights out, and he was often close to a a slap on numerous occasions for his advances.
One day, Dan went to Sarah's house after work before Sarah had finished work. Sarah then comes home to the flat to find her 'straight' boyfriend balls deep in male colleague Alex.
Dan never returned to the office, and Sarah and Alex had to be moved to different teams.
I can’t believe I’ve read this on here. I was about to post the exact same story.
I worked on an HR systems implementation at what I’m guessing is the same investment management company when it all kicked off.
Police had to be called over death threats that were allegedly sent and they were interviewed in the HR meeting rooms.
I use to work with a mate but everytime we worked together we always seemed to end up doing something stupid. First one was we was in a customer house doing there kitchen worktops. Gets out the circular saw start cutting the worktops but the saw jams bit brute force it goes through only for us to notice that he had just cut all the waythrough the washing machine with a 2 inch saw blade mark down the front and all the way through the top. He done what any normal person would have done yes he got out the white silicone and filled the gap. The second one was a tenant just had new Lino fitted in her kitchen and warned us both not to scratch or tear it. After carefully taking the washing machine out we carried on with the work. But after an hour the washing machine dug in to the Lino and yes it ripped but being the nice people we are. We did not want to upset the lady so we superglued her kitchen mat over the ripped Lino. Got pulled in over this are boss and Hr was wetting themselves at this
Back at a previous investment company, there was a blossoming office romance between Sarah* and Dan*. Sarah also happened to live with a gay bloke from the office, called Alex*.
Alex was notorious for sleazing on straight lads at company dos and nights out, and he was often close to a a slap on numerous occasions for his advances.
One day, Dan went to Sarah's house after work before Sarah had finished work. Sarah then comes home to the flat to find her 'straight' boyfriend balls deep in male colleague Alex.
Dan never returned to the office, and Sarah and Alex had to be moved to different teams.
I can’t believe I’ve read this on here. I was about to post the exact same story.
I worked on an HR systems implementation at what I’m guessing is the same investment management company when it all kicked off.
Police had to be called over death threats that were allegedly sent and they were interviewed in the HR meeting rooms.
Back at a previous investment company, there was a blossoming office romance between Sarah* and Dan*. Sarah also happened to live with a gay bloke from the office, called Alex*.
Alex was notorious for sleazing on straight lads at company dos and nights out, and he was often close to a a slap on numerous occasions for his advances.
One day, Dan went to Sarah's house after work before Sarah had finished work. Sarah then comes home to the flat to find her 'straight' boyfriend balls deep in male colleague Alex.
Dan never returned to the office, and Sarah and Alex had to be moved to different teams.
I can’t believe I’ve read this on here. I was about to post the exact same story.
I worked on an HR systems implementation at what I’m guessing is the same investment management company when it all kicked off.
Police had to be called over death threats that were allegedly sent and they were interviewed in the HR meeting rooms.
Back at a previous investment company, there was a blossoming office romance between Sarah* and Dan*. Sarah also happened to live with a gay bloke from the office, called Alex*.
Alex was notorious for sleazing on straight lads at company dos and nights out, and he was often close to a a slap on numerous occasions for his advances.
One day, Dan went to Sarah's house after work before Sarah had finished work. Sarah then comes home to the flat to find her 'straight' boyfriend balls deep in male colleague Alex.
Dan never returned to the office, and Sarah and Alex had to be moved to different teams.
I can’t believe I’ve read this on here. I was about to post the exact same story.
I worked on an HR systems implementation at what I’m guessing is the same investment management company when it all kicked off.
Police had to be called over death threats that were allegedly sent and they were interviewed in the HR meeting rooms.
Small world eh Dan?
LOL! I was going to post a disclaimer that I wasn’t involved but thought the HR explanation would be enough to get me off the hook!
Back at a previous investment company, there was a blossoming office romance between Sarah* and Dan*. Sarah also happened to live with a gay bloke from the office, called Alex*.
Alex was notorious for sleazing on straight lads at company dos and nights out, and he was often close to a a slap on numerous occasions for his advances.
One day, Dan went to Sarah's house after work before Sarah had finished work. Sarah then comes home to the flat to find her 'straight' boyfriend balls deep in male colleague Alex.
Dan never returned to the office, and Sarah and Alex had to be moved to different teams.
I can’t believe I’ve read this on here. I was about to post the exact same story.
I worked on an HR systems implementation at what I’m guessing is the same investment management company when it all kicked off.
Police had to be called over death threats that were allegedly sent and they were interviewed in the HR meeting rooms.
Back at a previous investment company, there was a blossoming office romance between Sarah* and Dan*. Sarah also happened to live with a gay bloke from the office, called Alex*.
Alex was notorious for sleazing on straight lads at company dos and nights out, and he was often close to a a slap on numerous occasions for his advances.
One day, Dan went to Sarah's house after work before Sarah had finished work. Sarah then comes home to the flat to find her 'straight' boyfriend balls deep in male colleague Alex.
Dan never returned to the office, and Sarah and Alex had to be moved to different teams.
I can’t believe I’ve read this on here. I was about to post the exact same story.
I worked on an HR systems implementation at what I’m guessing is the same investment management company when it all kicked off.
Police had to be called over death threats that were allegedly sent and they were interviewed in the HR meeting rooms.
Bloke from my place was heading away on business and stupidly left his bag unattended in the office... All was going swimmingly until he got pulled by airport security who promptly removed a massive dildo and a 200ml bottle of coke wrapped in gay porn magazine which was put in the bottom of his hand luggage knowing the drink would flag on the scanner
Bloke from my place was heading away on business and stupidly left his bag unattended in the office... All was going swimmingly until he got pulled by airport security who promptly removed a massive dildo and a 200ml bottle of coke wrapped in gay porn magazine which was put in the bottom of his hand luggage knowing the drink would flag on the scanner
One firm a new bloke started in sales, first day went out for a fag around 9.20am and was never seen again. Also had a bloke have some kind of meltdown over lack of bonuses & strop out of the office & then proceeded to have a dirty protest in the bogs, up the walls & everything - he quit before he was fired
Then I worked with a Dad’s Army obsessive who played Private Pike in reinactment groups who turned out to be a member of the EDL & stood as a candidate for UKIP in the local elections, had loads of Nazi Memorabilia & brought a decommissioned grenade in as a desk ornament
A few years back our office had a rule mobiles had to be switched off during working hours, no one really did this but kept phones on silent and did not really take calls but would go to the toilet to text etc.
This one girl had only been working at our office a few months and was warned about disappearing to make phone calls etc. Shen then started to go under her desk to take a phone call and when challenged would say she was taking to her bin while checking if it needed emptying, to make her excuse look realistic she would then start going under her desk at times without her phone to talk to her bin.
A few years back our office had a rule mobiles had to be switched off during working hours, no one really did this but kept phones on silent and did not really take calls but would go to the toilet to text etc.
This one girl had only been working at our office a few months and was warned about disappearing to make phone calls etc. Shen then started to go under her desk to take a phone call and when challenged would say she was taking to her bin while checking if it needed emptying, to make her excuse look realistic she would then start going under her desk at times without her phone to talk to her bin.
Mate of mine used to brazenly do coke on his desk. Good salesman but loved his drugs, had some great nights out with him.
My sister-in-law used to be a facilities manager at a UK wide firm and a woman once shat her knickers, panicked and flushed them down the toilet. By doing so she put three floors worth of toilets out of order.
A few years back our office had a rule mobiles had to be switched off during working hours, no one really did this but kept phones on silent and did not really take calls but would go to the toilet to text etc.
This one girl had only been working at our office a few months and was warned about disappearing to make phone calls etc. Shen then started to go under her desk to take a phone call and when challenged would say she was taking to her bin while checking if it needed emptying, to make her excuse look realistic she would then start going under her desk at times without her phone to talk to her bin.
I once disassembled my mates bike right down to the last nut and bolt, put in in a large sack and stuck it under his desk. My colleagues told me he wouldn’t find it funny but I thought he would. They were correct, he was livid. Anyway he was a Palarse supporter so I thought he was fair game to be wound up.
Mate of mine used to brazenly do coke on his desk. Good salesman but loved his drugs, had some great nights out with him.
My sister-in-law used to be a facilities manager at a UK wide firm and a woman once shat her knickers, panicked and flushed them down the toilet. By doing so she put three floors worth of toilets out of order.
Back at a previous investment company, there was a blossoming office romance between Sarah* and Dan*. Sarah also happened to live with a gay bloke from the office, called Alex*.
Alex was notorious for sleazing on straight lads at company dos and nights out, and he was often close to a a slap on numerous occasions for his advances.
One day, Dan went to Sarah's house after work before Sarah had finished work. Sarah then comes home to the flat to find her 'straight' boyfriend balls deep in male colleague Alex.
Dan never returned to the office, and Sarah and Alex had to be moved to different teams.
I can’t believe I’ve read this on here. I was about to post the exact same story.
I worked on an HR systems implementation at what I’m guessing is the same investment management company when it all kicked off.
Police had to be called over death threats that were allegedly sent and they were interviewed in the HR meeting rooms.
So which one of you two is Dan and which one of you Alex?
One firm a new bloke started in sales, first day went out for a fag around 9.20am and was never seen again. Also had a bloke have some kind of meltdown over lack of bonuses & strop out of the office & then proceeded to have a dirty protest in the bogs, up the walls & everything - he quit before he was fired Then I worked with a Dad’s Army obsessive who played Private Pike in reinactment groups who turned out to be a member of the EDL & stood as a candidate for UKIP in the local elections, had loads of Nazi Memorabilia & brought a decommissioned grenade in as a desk ornament
When my Dad started working for the MoD in the early 60's, he was based in Bickley.
He worked with a bloke who was a complete nightmare - always in trouble, turning up late still pissed, suspended many times, personal life was a disaster, got promoted and a week later did something bad and got busted back to lowest clerical grade etc etc
Fast forward to mid 80's - my Dad is now a senior Civil Servant, responsible for procurement programs to supply Army vehicles - he was responsible for programs which were worth millions of pounds.
Anyway, Dad has to go to The Woolwich Arsenal to show VERY senior bods a prototype new vehicle - he was the programme director and included in the party were Generals, very senior MoD civil servants and Directors of some of the civilian Co's involved in the project (I think it was a new battlefield ambulance) - the visit was a big deal for Dad, with the details planned carefully
They are walking through the workshops and get to the vehicle, and a soldier is explaining the various features
Suddenly from behind them a head pops out of the turret of an armoured vehicle and says 'Dave, you old cu#t, fu#k me you old wa#k stain, what the fu#k are you doing here, haven't seen you since fucki#k Bickley'
It was the same bloke from the early 60's - Dad was mortified
At the end of the day one of the General's came up to Dad and gave him a wink and a smile, so no harm done !!!
One firm a new bloke started in sales, first day went out for a fag around 9.20am and was never seen again. Also had a bloke have some kind of meltdown over lack of bonuses & strop out of the office & then proceeded to have a dirty protest in the bogs, up the walls & everything - he quit before he was fired Then I worked with a Dad’s Army obsessive who played Private Pike in reinactment groups who turned out to be a member of the EDL & stood as a candidate for UKIP in the local elections, had loads of Nazi Memorabilia & brought a decommissioned grenade in as a desk ornament
That's an episode of Peep Show.
Haha! I know the episode you mean but if you’re interested in Dads army, search Barmy Army Film Club!
Mate of mine used to brazenly do coke on his desk. Good salesman but loved his drugs, had some great nights out with him.
My sister-in-law used to be a facilities manager at a UK wide firm and a woman once shat her knickers, panicked and flushed them down the toilet. By doing so she put three floors worth of toilets out of order.
What the f**k had she been eating?
No idea, I'll try and find out. Maybe a small child.
My wife used to work as the office manager for a small software firm providing a service to private healthcare firms. Anyway during her tenure she put hand soap in the dishwasher, filling the kitchen with bubbles and then set fire to the microwave by putting a colleague's Kermit the Frog in it for a joke. The cuddly toy had metal inserts in its legs.
Can’t believe I forgot this guy. Was a sales guy at the FX company I work for and he left suddenly. Next thing we know he turned up in the newspapers under the pseudonym Macer Gifford and was fighting against ISIS in Syria.
Comments
Obviously, there's a certain amount of weirdness if you're a musician anyway, particularly so if you're a jazz musician, but this dude took the biscuit. He only did one gig with us, but I'll reel a few things off. He was a drummer - and admittedly generally a very, VERY good one - but he was two notes short of a solo, so to speak:
- During one song he did what I can only describe as a live "fade out" in the middle of the solo sections. He went from keeping a beat to miming at the kit, pretending to play, and every so often just going "ooh", or "yeah", or "nice one! teehee!" (and yeah he did actually laugh by saying "teehee".)
- It got to the point in another song where we were all going for it where he stopped playing a beat during a bass solo (perfectly acceptable), but then got up and started walking around and trying to flirt with the lead singer (not acceptable given it was a bloody performance we were being paid to do etc, and not acceptable generally).
- Halfway through his own drum solo, he was so taken by his own playing he just mid-fill went "Woo! Well, that was the ONE right there. Woo!" and resumed playing. Quite often he would just interject with "YEAAAHHH! OOWWWW! OOOHH!" or other similar vocalisations. That's relatively standard, but man he was loud about it.
- He was, and I think still is, living in Liverpool John Lennon Airport. This isn't because he doesn't have a flat - he does, in London - but because he likes the excitement of it. Said gig I did with him was during one of his rare sojourns in the big smoke.
There's probably more but I only met him the once. Very entertaining character. Really, really fantastic drummer though, to be fair.
I depped in my mates band a couple of years ago, we played a packed boozer in Essex that was like The Jockey in Shamless, shocking pub, anyway halfway through the 5th song of the first set, the sax player was playing a solo, the drummer (again shit hot and plays with Bryan Robertson from Thin Lizzy fame on occasion) decided he needed a piss and just stopped playing and went and had a slash......came back and started smashing away like nothing had happened, to this day I'm not sure if the punters thought it was part of the act.
I worked on an HR systems implementation at what I’m guessing is the same investment management company when it all kicked off.
Police had to be called over death threats that were allegedly sent and they were interviewed in the HR meeting rooms.
Then I worked with a Dad’s Army obsessive who played Private Pike in reinactment groups who turned out to be a member of the EDL & stood as a candidate for UKIP in the local elections, had loads of Nazi Memorabilia & brought a decommissioned grenade in as a desk ornament
Mate of mine used to brazenly do coke on his desk. Good salesman but loved his drugs, had some great nights out with him.
My sister-in-law used to be a facilities manager at a UK wide firm and a woman once shat her knickers, panicked and flushed them down the toilet. By doing so she put three floors worth of toilets out of order.
EDIT just seen @DaveMehmet and @ricky_otto 's earlier comments. Well played
He worked with a bloke who was a complete nightmare - always in trouble, turning up late still pissed, suspended many times, personal life was a disaster, got promoted and a week later did something bad and got busted back to lowest clerical grade etc etc
Fast forward to mid 80's - my Dad is now a senior Civil Servant, responsible for procurement programs to supply Army vehicles - he was responsible for programs which were worth millions of pounds.
Anyway, Dad has to go to The Woolwich Arsenal to show VERY senior bods a prototype new vehicle - he was the programme director and included in the party were Generals, very senior MoD civil servants and Directors of some of the civilian Co's involved in the project (I think it was a new battlefield ambulance) - the visit was a big deal for Dad, with the details planned carefully
They are walking through the workshops and get to the vehicle, and a soldier is explaining the various features
Suddenly from behind them a head pops out of the turret of an armoured vehicle and says 'Dave, you old cu#t, fu#k me you old wa#k stain, what the fu#k are you doing here, haven't seen you since fucki#k Bickley'
It was the same bloke from the early 60's - Dad was mortified
At the end of the day one of the General's came up to Dad and gave him a wink and a smile, so no harm done !!!
Was a sales guy at the FX company I work for and he left suddenly. Next thing we know he turned up in the newspapers under the pseudonym Macer Gifford and was fighting against ISIS in Syria.