In similar circumstances to @Dazzler21 but only recently coming to light since my mothers death, apparently I found my father hanging from the hallway bannisters. I would have been 8 in 1965 so I wouldn't have understood much of what went on at the time. It went on to cause me issues later in life, as recently as 3 years ago I was having horrendous nightmares and reliving that moment even though I have no memories of it in waking hours. Even my recent visit to SE9 and Eltham nick caused me a problem (beside the obvious) as we as children we were taken there as a safe place from our house behind Eltham church on the day of my fathers death, as I sat waiting for Tom I wanted to run and not because any decisions I made but my head was full of images of that day. Fortunately I had two lifers with me and they were a great support even though they didn't know it at the time. These days I'm getting my head back together slowly with the support of my wife I have more good days than bad and have no problem talking about these things publicly or privately on here or face to face. I've just wrote an article for a well known publication covering this period in my childhood and while I left out these details amongst others as a 10/11 yr old as I prefer to draw on the positive aspects on my life, I covered one person in particular that gave me the mental strength and guidance to get through my teenage years.
Yep, it possibly bores those that don't understand it to hear stuff like this and don't want to understand it, but to those suffering, there's always another option and suicide should never feel like it is an option.
Sorry to repeat this, but it's my story and I feel it is important for people suffering with mental illness to understand the potential repercussions of them taking their own lives.
On the 27th January 2002, I returned home from spending a night at a friends house. I was 13 years old, that's a year 9 at school. I couldn't get in my house as the door was double locked and the back door was also locked. I made my way in through the front bathroom window. I let my friends in the front door, as I did one made a rude joke and another one of them said "Your mum's listening on the stairs".
I turned and immediately knew something was wrong. I screamed at my friends to get help and they ran to do so. My mum had hung herself by the banister on the stairs. I tried to lift her whilst calling an ambulance, but she was too heavy. The ambulance service told me to get a knife so I ran to the kitchen and found a bread knife. I tried to cut her down and continued to scream into the phone at the person that took that call. It was me alone trying to save her with only the paramedic as a living person to help me.
As I struggled my friend's mum and a neighbour came in and managed to cut the fabric that I was struggling with in my panic. they took her down and sent me outside. As I walked out I heard one of them say "No, I can't open her mouth, it's too stiff". I collapsed in the street crying.
I cried for at least three days, I couldn't do anything else. I moved in with a friend and saw an NHS counsellor but was given one that was not suitable to my situation. A couple of weeks later I tried to take my own life in the same way. I hadn't used the right fabric as a rope and as a result I failed.
I can't tell you how low you feel when you can't even end your own life. It's indescribable. From that moment I stopped receiving counselling and moved in with my grandmother.
Since that day my life has massively improved. I spoke to my gran about how I felt, she listened. She didn't offer advice or anything. She told me she would do her best to love me as much as my mum had.
TL:DR A Mother's suicide almost led to her son's own suicide. Every so often I still visit that darker place in my mind, but have learnt to control it as much as I can.
A moments decision for you to take your life could cause a ripple effect through people's entire lives.
If things are getting too much please just talk to someone, anyone. A problem shared is after all a problem halved.
Before anyone comments anything to me. I know I am blessed with an amazing partner who I have been with since I was 16, that's 15 years in December. We have a beautiful and bright little daughter now and they keep my mind from staying in that place for long.
This is simply a call for others to talk to someone rather than risking hurting others to a point in which they feel that same gut wrenching hopelessness that you may be struggling to overcome, and that you wouldn't wish on anyone. You never know, it might just help.
@T_C_E Never a problem. The way I see it, if I can give others a glimmer of hope, so that they speak to someone then it's worth putting it all down to be seen by any and all.
Comments
Even my recent visit to SE9 and Eltham nick caused me a problem (beside the obvious) as we as children we were taken there as a safe place from our house behind Eltham church on the day of my fathers death, as I sat waiting for Tom I wanted to run and not because any decisions I made but my head was full of images of that day. Fortunately I had two lifers with me and they were a great support even though they didn't know it at the time. These days I'm getting my head back together slowly with the support of my wife I have more good days than bad and have no problem talking about these things publicly or privately on here or face to face. I've just wrote an article for a well known publication covering this period in my childhood and while I left out these details amongst others as a 10/11 yr old as I prefer to draw on the positive aspects on my life, I covered one person in particular that gave me the mental strength and guidance to get through my teenage years.
Gary Would have been 51 today.
Still remember the day he passed away, I was completely gobsmacked having only seen him on TV the day before laughing and joking
Happy Birthday Gary