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Jokes..

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  • [cite]Posted By: iainment[/cite]There were 3 men at a bar who all ordered a pint. An Italian, an Englishman and an Irishman.

    The Englishman gets his pint and there's a fly in it so he looks at is with disgust and says, "Oh you simply must take this back and get me a new clean pint."

    The Italian gets his pint and there's a fly in it so he picks it out and drinks the pint.

    The Irishman gets his pint and there's a fly in it. He picks up the fly and starts shaking it over his beer saying, "Spit it out! Spit it out!!!"

    And the Scotsman picks it up and wrings it!!!
  • What did the cyclone say to the coconut palm?


    "Hang onto your nuts this is no ordinary blow job!"
  • For decades two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park until, one day, an angel came down from heaven and approached the statues.
    "You've been such exemplary statues," the angel announced to them, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
    The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly could be heard a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.
    Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
    Grinning widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"
  • Paddy loses his dog and is very upset, his wife says why dont you put an ad in the paper
    So he does, a couple of weeks later theres still no reply
    He is still upset so his wife asks him what he wrote and he said 'here boy'
  • A man lived in a tower alone for decades, and every morning of every day he would ring bells for all of the surrounding villages to hear. Unfortunately he had no arms and had to ring the bells by hitting them with his head, nevertheless he played beautiful melodies for all of the villages every morning for years until, one day, he stopped. after a few days one of the villagers went to the tower to investigate and found the man dead on the floor. A second villager arrived, saw the body and one man asked,
    'did you know who he was?'
    a man from the second village replied,
    'no, but his face rings a bell!'
  • A Jewish fella goes into Asda, slaps his cock on the counter, and says:-

    ''Let's see you roll that back then!''
  • A fat kid comes home from school and says to his Mother, "I got the highest score in PE today."

    "Well done," says his Mother.

    "By the way Mum, what is BMI?"
  • I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird.

    I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."

    But she did.
  • Sorry, to change the subject...but have you seen the breaking news about the explosion at the pie factory?


    3.1415927 dead
  • When blind people get goosebumps,do they try to read it?
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  • News flash from the middle east, 10,000 egyptian troops have entered jordan.

    She says that she is a little bit sore, but coping well!
  • 2 dyslexics are having a conversation.
    One asks the other can you smell gas.
    No he says I can't even smell me own name.
  • The owners of a Zoo had a Female Baboon that needed impregnating but had no Male Baboon. To solve this problem they decided to ask the Irish sweeper upper from the Elephant enclosure.
    '' For £500 Paddy will you get our Baboon in the Family way'' ?
    Paddy had a think about it
    '' I'll do it but under Three conditions''
    '' One....There's no Kissing, Two....No member of my family must ever find out, and Three....You've got to give me a couple of weeks to get the money together''.
  • A kid gave his teacher a blank piece of paper.
    Teacher: What is this?
    Kid: It's a drawing of a cow eating grass.
    Teacher: (looked at the paper) Where's the grass?
    Kid: The cow ate all of it.
    ...Teacher: (looked at the paper again)Then, where's the cow?
    Kid: It left because there was no more grass.
  • What are the little bumpy bits around a girls nipple?

    Brail for suck me.
  • I was in a nightclub queue when two blokes in front of me started arguing.

    One guy pushed the other and said, "Four, nine."

    The other man pushed him back and said, "Sixteen, twenty-five."

    A bouncer reached for his walkie-talkie and said, "I need some help at the door. We've got a couple of geezers squaring up."
  • I bumped into Sian Massey in the street today. I said, "Are you aware of the uproar caused after you officiated at the Liverpool v Wolves game? I mean, two Sky Sports pundits were..."

    "Yeah yeah," she interrupted. "Tell me something I don't know."

    So I explained the offside rule.
  • Last one and it's in slightly poor taste

    Madeleine McCann's kidnappers have now had her for longer than the parents did. Lets be honest, they're better parents. No one has seen her, never mind lost her.
  • Carter




    Funny but Jesus you are brave to put it on here
  • I've just been listening to a news report that says terrorists are now hiding bombs under tins of alphabetti spaghetti.
    Police say that if they go off it could spell disaster!!!

    Some thieving pervert has stolen a pair of my wifes knickers off the washing line.
    She's not worried about the knickers but wants the 40 pegs back!!!

    When David Beckham scores i drink BECKS
    when Paul Scholes scores i drink SKOL
    when Kenny Miller scores i drink MILLER LITE
    thank God David Seaman was a goalie!!!

    I was looking out of the window today and saw my mother in law coming up the road.
    I can honestly say i've never been so pleased to see the old cow.
    I called out to my wife, "Are you ready love, the hearse is here".
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  • the wife asked me this morning


    "When your away with the boys for your golf weekends do you think of me"


    apparently "yes so that i dont cum to soon" is the wrong answer
  • An elderly couple were attending Mass.

    About halfway through, the wife leans overs and says to her husband "I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do ?"

    He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid"
  • A man was sitting in the pub with his wife and he said "I love you"
    She said "Is that you or the beer talking?"
    He replied "It's me talking............. to the beer"
  • I got my Valentines cards mixed up on Monday.

    Now the gril friend thinks I love and the wife thinks I want to f**k her.
  • I had a hard upbringing.

    When I was younger the other kids used to cover me in whipped cream and stick a cherry on my head.



    It was tough growing up in the gateau.
  • My dad told me he had a cowboy builder in to fix the wall in the garden the work was shite and his horse had shat all over the driveway.
  • I bought my wife a belt and bag for valentines day, she went ballistic but the hoovers working luvverly now...
  • My neighbour is always having a dig about my weight. Today he said " how comes your such a fat bast*rd ? "
    I shouted back "every time I shag your wife , she gives me a chocolate biscuit"
    That shut the bast*rd up.
  • " Tinie Tempah scoops two BRIT awards "

    I liked him better when he used to sing in the Halifax adverts
  • I was in prison a while back - I walked in and one of my two cell mates said:

    "What are you in for?"

    I said, "Judging by the size of you chaps, I'd say a violent arse raping."
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