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  • edited September 2009
    A binman is on his rounds and one house hasn't left their bin out.

    He knocks on the door, no response. Knocks again and a couple of minutes later a chinese guy answers the door.

    "Where's your bin" says the binmam. "Oh sorry me been in the bath" he replies.

    Sensing the language barrier the binman asks "No sorry, I meant where's your wheely bin?"

    Oh ok, I really been having a w*nk, the guy replies!
  • Went past a beggar up town yesterday,
    He said
    "Any change mate?"
    I said,
    " No mate, I still got the big house and flash car!"
  • I just came 2nd in a Strawberry crushing competition. It was a woman with no legs that won it... Jammy c**t.
  • I want to die nice and peacefully in my sleep just like my grandad...

    Not screaming and shouting like the passengers on his bus...
  • Just found out my auntie has got dementia.
    Upsetting news, but I suppose I should be grateful for the tenner I get for my birthday, every week!
  • I phoned up The New Den last week,

    "What time is kick off today?"

    - "what time can you make it?"
  • When Bob was asked whether he preferred legs or breasts, he said he actually had a particular fondness for shaven fannies....
    He was then informed that this was not an option when ordering a KFC bargain bucket!
  • Last night my girlfriend said to me, "Did you know, butterflies only live for two days?"

    I said, "Honey, I think that's a myth."

    "No", she replied, "It's definitely a butterfly."
  • Old guy goes to the doctor to get results of some tests. The doctor said ' Im sorry to say that you are suffering from two conditions....' 'That's alright doctor, tell me what is the first one' 'Well following the scan we found that you have cancer' 'Oh dear, and what else have I got?' 'You are suffering from quite advanced Alzheimers Disease' 'Oh that's not so bad, I thought you were going to tell me that I have cancer'....
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  • Woman goes out to play a round of golf it's not long before she is back in clubhouse complaining to the club professional
    "I've just been stung by a bee" she moans
    "Where did it sting you" asks the club pro
    "Between the first and second holes" she bleats
    "You're feet are too far apart" says the pro
  • A woman drops off her dress at the cleaners,the lady behind the counter says "come again",the woman say no it's ice cream you nosey bitch!
  • whats the diffrence between an egg and a w*nk?.........cant beat a w*nk!
  • I was having a pretty big shit last night and at the highest point of struggle to drop it out, my wife accidentally turned off the light in the toilet.
    Immediately I started to scream like crazy, she turned it back on and asked through the door "what's the matter, are you alright"?

    With a huge relief, I replied: "Nothing, I'm fine, I just thought my eyes popped out".   
  • As told to me.

    Yesterday I was at my local Tesco's buying a large bag of Purina dog

    food for my Daughters Springer Spaniel and was in the checkout queue

    when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

    What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have

    little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I

    was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,

    because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones

    before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my

    orifices and IVs in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way

    that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply

    eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally

    complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to

    mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled

    with my story.)

    Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the

    dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an

    Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both.

    I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was

    laughing so hard.

    I'm now banned from the Tesco's.

    Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in

    the world to think of daft things to say.
  • My grandad was very ill so we rubbed his back with lard.......He went downhill very fast after that,
  • Did you hear there is a new Viagra that comes in tea form?
    doesn't help your sex life much, but stops your biscuit going soft.
  • "Doctor, Doctor, every morning I find myself singing 'The Green Green Grass of Home', then at lunchtime I can't stop humming 'Delilah' and all night I sing 'Sex Bomb'."
    "You have Tom Jones Syndrome."
    "Is it rare?"
    "It's Not Unusual..."
  • I know how them poor Haiitians feel now...

    I had ten aftershocks last night and I couldn't find my house...
  • edited January 2010
    Well, there were two prawns swimming lazily about when Jason said to Christian 'I'm fed up with this, nothing exciting ever happens'.
    'I dunno' said Christian, 'It's not a bad life really''
    'Sometimes I wish I was a shark, they have all the fun', said Jason.Just then a large cod swam past them in the murky water. 'Your wish will be granted', said the cod in a deep, boomy voice. And sure enough, when he woke up in the morning, Jason found that he was indeed a shark. He rushed out to tell everybody but they all swam away as soon as they saw him. ' Fellas, it's me, Jason', he called but no-one came near except his old chum Christian who took him down to the bar for a cocktail to talk things over.
    'They're all scared in case you eat them', said Christian
    'Course I won't ', said Jason but as time passed he got lonelier and lonelier and more importantly, hungrier and hungrier
    After a week he suddenly said 'I wish I was a prawn again and swimming with my friends'. And, believe it or not the very same mysterious cod was swimming past again. 'Your wish will be granted' , he said in the same boomy voice.
    Sure enough when he woke up in the morning,Jason was once again a prawn. He rushed round to Christian's house to tell him but his friend wouldn't believe him or let him in, 'You're a shark and you'll eat me', he said
    'No, no', shouted Jason, 'I found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian'.

    I'll get me anorak (: - )
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  • By far the best engine in the world is the fanny!
    It pulls anything,
    takes any size piston,
    self lubricates,
    starts with one finger,
    and every four weeks does its own oil change......

    It's just a pity the management system is so f*cking tempermental!
  • edited January 2010
    I bought myself some fabulous new crocodile skin boots. I thought I looked the absolute dogs, couldn’t wait to show them off to the missus.

    So I put them on, and waited for her to come home from work. When she got in, she said nothing beyond the usual hello, so after a bit I asked her if she noticed anything different about me. She looked me up and down, and shook her head. Slightly annoyed, I went upstairs and took off all my clothes, except the boots, then returned. NOW do you notice anything different? I asked her.

    Mmm, well, you look pretty much the same to me. Still a bit overweight, and your cock’s drooping down the way it always does.

    “It’s trying to get a closer look at my new bloody boots, you stupid woman!”

    “You should have bought a hat”
  • It must be awkward, mustn't it, if your name's Lol and you have to text someone to tell them a close relative has died.

    (Milton Jones)
  • It was entertainment night at the Old Folks Home. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.' The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. 'I want each one of you to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.' He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting:

    'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...'

    The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's finger and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

    'SHIT!' said the Hypnotist.

    ...It took three days to clean up the Old Folks Home!!!
  • So just what do you call a black fella that's just lost 30 stone?


    Lenny Henry.
  • What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

    Dr. Dre!
  • My ex said to me the other day 'you would rather watch Charlton, than spend time with me!'
    I said 'I'd rather watch Millwall than spend time with you!!'
  • Q. Why doesn't Pakistan have an international football team?

    A. Because each time they get a corner, they open a shop.

    A Scottish captain once lent the referee a coin for the toss and demanded his whistle as security.

    They say that pessimists see the cup as half empty, and optimists as half full

    My team haven't even seen the cup !

    At the end of the day, football means not having to go to Sainsburys on Saturday.
  • David Blain is reported to be very upset this morning, his 42 day record of doing f**k all in the box has just been broken by Jemain Beckford.
  • A ship carrying a cargo of red paint and blue paint hit an old mine and sank: the crew were marooned.
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