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Jokes..

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  • Bought a memory stick for the wife last week. Works a treat. she hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex since i beat her with it.
  • This morning whilst looking for a clean shirt, i found my wife's secret diary hidden in the wardrobe. I was both delighted and aroused to read about her rough and dirty fantasies, all involving anal............that was of course until i remembered she's dyslexic and my best mates name is alan...........
  • Charlton
  • Charlton
    Yawnnnn....zzzzzz........
  • Three blondes walking in the country find some tracks.
    "They're deer tracks." Says one.
    "No they're not," says the second, "they're moose tracks."
    "Rubbish!" Says blonde number three. "Definitely goat tracks."

    They were still arguing when the train hit them. 
  • Old lady is looking into the pram being pushed along by a sexy little thing.

    'Oh'  says the oldie, 'I like his hair, is his father a redhead?'

    'Dont know' says the girl 'he never took his hat off'

  • Charlton
    Yawnnnn....zzzzzz........



    lol yawn at all of the above. If I wanted to read Sickipedia jokes I'd go on Sickipedia
  • Charlton
    Yawnnnn....zzzzzz........



    lol yawn at all of the above. If I wanted to read Sickipedia jokes I'd go on Sickipedia




    But you did read them...

     

    Therefore this website must be sickipedia.com

  • How do you get an elephant in through your letterbox?   

    Via a blender.


    How do you get it out again?

    With nachos.
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  • My girlfriend dumped me she said it was because of my obsession with the Monkees.

    At first I thought she was joking, and then I saw her face.........

  • My girlfriend dumped me she said it was because of my obsession with the Monkees.

    At first I thought she was joking, and then I saw her face.........

    From Tommy Cooper......

    'Doc, I can't
    stop singing the green green grass of home.

    'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'.

    'Is it common?'

    'It's not unusual.'

  • Women keepers - just watched teh England Mexico game- they must be the bigegst joke going!
  • A West Indian, a Pakistani and an Englishman go into a pub.

    What a tribute to our tolerant society.
  • edited June 2011

    Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

    He winked at me and said, "Well, I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

     

    I sat there with a smile on my face as my girlfriend wrapped her hand around it and started to tug at it. An even bigger smile when she gave it a little wiggle and started moving it around. I couldn't contain myself when she started using two hands, so I eventually laughed out:

    "Here, love, I'll change gear for you."

     

    My wife and I auditioned for Britain's Got Talent last month.
    Simon said, "What is your act?"
    I said, "Magic."
    He said, "Okay, so what are you both going to do?"
    I said, "We are going to make a child disappear into thin air."
    He said, "Have you ever done this before?"
    I said, "Yes, once."
    He said, "Okay Gerry & Kate, good luck."

     

     

  • When are you all going to post the punchlines?
  • I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even thought my wife reckons its weird.

    I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat!
  • A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

    "Morning!" he said.

    The other man replies, "No, just having a shit."
  • An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.

    At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

    "You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.

    The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

    "Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."

    The British gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

    "Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"

    The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.

    Then he quietly explained;

    "Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any f***ng Frenchmen to show it to."
  • A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

    "Morning!" he said.

    The other man replies, "No, just having a shit."
    Brilliant!
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  • Women keepers - just watched teh England Mexico game- they must be the bigegst joke going!


    isn't that women's football in general? ... do people actually pay to watch that rubbish?

     

  • isn't that women's football in general? ... do people actually pay to watch that rubbish?
    Thats a bit harsh.........I'm actually enjoying watching it. Must say the England team looked just like the mens team as they failed to live up to expectation yesterday.
  • I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even thought my wife reckons its weird.

    I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat!


    Slow day at work ?

  • Victoria Beckham gave birth to their first daughter today weighing just 5lb 2 oz.

    The weight of the baby is yet to be announced.
  • Arrived home to find a pretty woman grouting the bathroom wall & singing 'It's a heartache, nothin' but a fools game.' I thought to myself, she's a bonnie tiler
  • Did you know, the advantages of Easy Origami are 3 fold.
  • How do you kill a circus?

    Go for the juggler.

  • I recently met a dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap
  • I ate fourteen yoghurt's today..

    I was mullered
  • my mate has just asked me what ring tone do i have !!..... I said I've never really looked but probably light brown !!!
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