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Jokes..

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Comments

  • Macronate said:

    I am so happy.

    At short notice I managed to book me and the missus a table for tonight.

    Shame she is crap at snooker.

    Theres a terrible echo on this thread.
  • Greenie said:

    Macronate said:

    I am so happy.

    At short notice I managed to book me and the missus a table for tonight.

    Shame she is crap at snooker.

    Theres a terrible echo on this thread.
    I thought it was quite funny and original... Would love to know where @Macronate gets his material
  • I asked my girlfriend what she wanted for Valentine's Day.

    She said: "I'll give you a clue: England Goalkeeper".

    She's expecting flowers, but she's getting Seamen.

    Obviously not your Hart
  • I asked my girlfriend what she wanted for Valentine's Day.

    She said: "I'll give you a clue: England Goalkeeper".

    She's expecting flowers, but she's getting Seamen.

    Obviously not your Hart
    Maybe she wants his Wood
  • I asked my girlfriend what she wanted for Valentine's Day.

    She said: "I'll give you a clue: England Goalkeeper".

    She's expecting flowers, but she's getting Seamen.

    Might want to get on her knees and start praying to Pope
  • A nice drsssing gown so he doesn't have to turn the Heaton on...
  • The way to her heart is through food and drink.

    Try red wine and Shilton.

    Or oranges and Clemence.
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  • Just dont keep her waiting... Else she'll cry: vAmos
  • Just dont keep her waiting... Else she'll cry: vAmos

    Fuck me, you've shoehorned that in there!
  • Just dont keep her waiting... Else she'll cry: vAmos

    Fuck me, you've shoehorned that in there!
    Don't get a bee in your bonneti about it.
  • Just dont keep her waiting... Else she'll cry: vAmos

    Fuck me, you've shoehorned that in there!
    Don't get a bee in your bonneti about it.
    Quim
  • All you jokers, time to get in your Carson and move on.
  • You're Buffons the lot of you.
  • You're Buffons the lot of you.

    Got your finger on the Button I see...
  • Don't get her up the Duffy
  • You lot are taking the schmeichel
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  • What about Dean kiely
  • I'd use any transport bar trams
  • You're Buffons the lot of you.

    McBobbin said:

    You lot are taking the schmeichel

    What about Dean kiely

    To be fair you three didn't really read the original joke as none of them are English Goalkeepers ;)

  • > The British have such a command of decorum and aplomb to which we can only aspire. This message is for my friends who appreciate the finer points of the English language used correctly.
    >
    > His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.
    >
    > "May I ask you a question, My Lord?"
    >
    >
    > "Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.
    >
    >
    > "I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."
    >
    >
    > "What word is that?" asked His Lordship.
    >
    >
    > "Aplomb," My Lord.
    >
    >
    > "Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."
    >
    >
    > "Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused about it."
    >
    >
    > "Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"
    >
    > "I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."
    >
    >
    > "Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"
    >
    >
    > "I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.
    >
    >
    > "While Will was plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."
    >
    >
    > "I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."
    >
    >
    > "That evening the hole the rose made in his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut his venison for him, even though it was extremely tender."
    >
    >
    > "Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."
    >
    >
    > "And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Will in a loud voice,
    > “Darling, does your prick still throb?” and you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee?
    >
    >
    > That, Carson is aplomb.”
    >
  • Gentleman, if you ever hear strange voices coming from your underpants don't panic. They are probably just talking bollocks.
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Roland Out!