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Jokes..

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  • Macronate said:

    I am so happy.

    At short notice I managed to book me and the missus a table for tonight.

    Shame she is crap at snooker.

    Theres a terrible echo on this thread.
  • Greenie said:

    Macronate said:

    I am so happy.

    At short notice I managed to book me and the missus a table for tonight.

    Shame she is crap at snooker.

    Theres a terrible echo on this thread.
    I thought it was quite funny and original... Would love to know where @Macronate gets his material
  • I asked my girlfriend what she wanted for Valentine's Day.

    She said: "I'll give you a clue: England Goalkeeper".

    She's expecting flowers, but she's getting Seamen.

    Obviously not your Hart
  • I asked my girlfriend what she wanted for Valentine's Day.

    She said: "I'll give you a clue: England Goalkeeper".

    She's expecting flowers, but she's getting Seamen.

    Obviously not your Hart
    Maybe she wants his Wood
  • I asked my girlfriend what she wanted for Valentine's Day.

    She said: "I'll give you a clue: England Goalkeeper".

    She's expecting flowers, but she's getting Seamen.

    Might want to get on her knees and start praying to Pope
  • A nice drsssing gown so he doesn't have to turn the Heaton on...
  • The way to her heart is through food and drink.

    Try red wine and Shilton.

    Or oranges and Clemence.
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  • Just dont keep her waiting... Else she'll cry: vAmos
  • Just dont keep her waiting... Else she'll cry: vAmos

    Fuck me, you've shoehorned that in there!
  • Just dont keep her waiting... Else she'll cry: vAmos

    Fuck me, you've shoehorned that in there!
    Don't get a bee in your bonneti about it.
  • Just dont keep her waiting... Else she'll cry: vAmos

    Fuck me, you've shoehorned that in there!
    Don't get a bee in your bonneti about it.
    Quim
  • All you jokers, time to get in your Carson and move on.
  • You're Buffons the lot of you.
  • You're Buffons the lot of you.

    Got your finger on the Button I see...
  • Don't get her up the Duffy
  • You lot are taking the schmeichel
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  • What about Dean kiely
  • I'd use any transport bar trams
  • You're Buffons the lot of you.

    McBobbin said:

    You lot are taking the schmeichel

    What about Dean kiely

    To be fair you three didn't really read the original joke as none of them are English Goalkeepers ;)
  • I set up a new email account today. Set the password as ‘beefstew’ but it wasn’t allowed.

    Apparently it isn’t stroganoff.
  • .A cowboy and an Indian are riding horseback.

    The Indian stops his horse, jumps off and puts his ear to the ground.

    He looks up at the cowboy and says, "Buffalo come".

    The cowboy looks around and then back at the Indian. "How the hell do you know that?"

    The Indian replied, "Ear sticky".

  • > The British have such a command of decorum and aplomb to which we can only aspire. This message is for my friends who appreciate the finer points of the English language used correctly.
    >
    > His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.
    >
    > "May I ask you a question, My Lord?"
    >
    >
    > "Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.
    >
    >
    > "I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."
    >
    >
    > "What word is that?" asked His Lordship.
    >
    >
    > "Aplomb," My Lord.
    >
    >
    > "Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."
    >
    >
    > "Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused about it."
    >
    >
    > "Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"
    >
    > "I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."
    >
    >
    > "Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"
    >
    >
    > "I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.
    >
    >
    > "While Will was plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."
    >
    >
    > "I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."
    >
    >
    > "That evening the hole the rose made in his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut his venison for him, even though it was extremely tender."
    >
    >
    > "Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."
    >
    >
    > "And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Will in a loud voice,
    > “Darling, does your prick still throb?” and you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee?
    >
    >
    > That, Carson is aplomb.”
    >
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