Attention: Please take a moment to consider our terms and conditions before posting.

Jokes..

1158159161163164281

Comments

  • I asked my girlfriend what she wanted for Valentine's Day.

    She said: "I'll give you a clue: England Goalkeeper".

    She's expecting flowers, but she's getting Seamen.

    Obviously not your Hart
  • I asked my girlfriend what she wanted for Valentine's Day.

    She said: "I'll give you a clue: England Goalkeeper".

    She's expecting flowers, but she's getting Seamen.

    Obviously not your Hart
    Maybe she wants his Wood
  • I asked my girlfriend what she wanted for Valentine's Day.

    She said: "I'll give you a clue: England Goalkeeper".

    She's expecting flowers, but she's getting Seamen.

    Might want to get on her knees and start praying to Pope
  • A nice drsssing gown so he doesn't have to turn the Heaton on...
  • The way to her heart is through food and drink.

    Try red wine and Shilton.

    Or oranges and Clemence.
  • Just dont keep her waiting... Else she'll cry: vAmos
  • Just dont keep her waiting... Else she'll cry: vAmos

    Fuck me, you've shoehorned that in there!
  • Sponsored links:


  • Just dont keep her waiting... Else she'll cry: vAmos

    Fuck me, you've shoehorned that in there!
    Don't get a bee in your bonneti about it.
  • Just dont keep her waiting... Else she'll cry: vAmos

    Fuck me, you've shoehorned that in there!
    Don't get a bee in your bonneti about it.
    Quim
  • All you jokers, time to get in your Carson and move on.
  • You're Buffons the lot of you.
  • You're Buffons the lot of you.

    Got your finger on the Button I see...
  • Don't get her up the Duffy
  • You lot are taking the schmeichel
  • What about Dean kiely
  • I'd use any transport bar trams
  • You're Buffons the lot of you.

    McBobbin said:

    You lot are taking the schmeichel

    What about Dean kiely

    To be fair you three didn't really read the original joke as none of them are English Goalkeepers ;)
  • Sponsored links:



  • > The British have such a command of decorum and aplomb to which we can only aspire. This message is for my friends who appreciate the finer points of the English language used correctly.
    >
    > His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.
    >
    > "May I ask you a question, My Lord?"
    >
    >
    > "Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.
    >
    >
    > "I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."
    >
    >
    > "What word is that?" asked His Lordship.
    >
    >
    > "Aplomb," My Lord.
    >
    >
    > "Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."
    >
    >
    > "Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused about it."
    >
    >
    > "Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"
    >
    > "I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."
    >
    >
    > "Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"
    >
    >
    > "I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.
    >
    >
    > "While Will was plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."
    >
    >
    > "I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."
    >
    >
    > "That evening the hole the rose made in his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut his venison for him, even though it was extremely tender."
    >
    >
    > "Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."
    >
    >
    > "And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Will in a loud voice,
    > “Darling, does your prick still throb?” and you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee?
    >
    >
    > That, Carson is aplomb.”
    >
  • Gentleman, if you ever hear strange voices coming from your underpants don't panic. They are probably just talking bollocks.
  • I like to judge my weight using BMI.

    As long as I weight less than a small plane, then things are fine..
  • My Nan bought a brand new hearing aid the other day. She was absolutely raving about it to my Mum, wouldn't shut up about how good it was.

    At one point she said: "It cost me over four thousand pounds and it was worth every penny - it's changed my life."

    My Mum said: "Ah, what kind is it?"



    "It's half seven, dear".
  • edited February 2018
    .
Sign In or Register to comment.

Roland Out Forever!