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True story…
Scene: Inside a department store. My mother unexpectedly meets an old friend.
My mother: Hello, Vera. How are you?
Vera: Oh, I’ve lost my husband.
My mother (sounding grave): Oh, I am so sorry to hear that.
Vera: Oh, there he is. Woo-hoo, Arthur, I’m over here.3 -
My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions, but don't worry.
I'll return
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Another true story:thai malaysia addick said:True story…
Scene: Inside a department store. My mother unexpectedly meets an old friend.
My mother: Hello, Vera. How are you?
Vera: Oh, I’ve lost my husband.
My mother (sounding grave): Oh, I am so sorry to hear that.
Vera: Oh, there he is. Woo-hoo, Arthur, I’m over here.
Tuesday we were at Ms AA’s pension lunch. This woman says to my wife, “I’ve lost my husband, he’s 44 “ to which my wife replied “so what’s he doing here then?“ then she realised the woman meant he was on table 441 -
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.2
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Sad news from the Nestle factory today.A night shift worker was crushed beneath a case of chocolate that fell 20 feet off the storage racking.He called for help repeatedly but every time he shouted 'The Milky Bars are on me' his colleagues just cheered.2
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Blimey! That was old when The Milky Bar Kid was actually still a kid!!R0TW said:Sad news from the Nestle factory today.A night shift worker was crushed beneath a case of chocolate that fell 20 feet off the storage racking.He called for help repeatedly but every time he shouted 'The Milky Bars are on me' his colleagues just cheered.2 -
Things overheard in the bedroom or IKEA.Well, that was a complete waste of a Saturday.
At least it only cost £60.
I really enjoyed eating that.1 -
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A traffic warden is being buried, a number of his work colleagues are attending.
As the coffin is being lowered into the grave a voice from inside calls out……”let me out help, I’m not dead”.
One of his colleagues replies…..”Sorry Sir…….that’s not possible, we’ve already started the paperwork.”2 -
SoundAsa£ said:A traffic warden is being buried, a number of his work colleagues are attending.
As the coffin is being lowered into the grave a voice from inside calls out……”let me out help, I’m not dead”.
One of his colleagues replies…..”Sorry Sir…….that’s not possible, we’ve already started the paperwork.”
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I was admiring my boss’s new Mercedes.He came over and asked if I liked it.I said yes.He then told me that if I was willing to work hard and be dedicated and make some sacrifices, then maybe in two years he would be able to buy another one.12
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Top tip.
Pretend you’re an Olympic fencer by attacking a beekeeper with a car aerial.
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Top tip two.
Rappers. Avoid having to ask “ know what I’m sayin’? “ all the time, by actually speaking clearly in the first place.7 -
TT3
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they`re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc `tastes exactly like the real thing`, they won`t know any difference
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TT4
AMATEUR astronomers. Avoid total blindness by viewing the sun through a telescope rather than binoculars.
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Top Tip: Putting just the right amount of gin in your fish tank makes the fish swim in an amusing manner.0
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Top tip 6
Create your own Florence & The Machine album by locking an owl in a wind chime shop.
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Top tip 7
Thwart potential biographers by living a mundane and insignificant life, never aspiring to anything above mediocrity.
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Top tip 8
Clear nail varnish makes an excellent substitute for tippex for when you haven't made a mistake.
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Sponsored links:
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The average life expectancy for men is 76, for women it's 81. When I get to 75, I think I'll transition.6
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If you're happy to base your health or wealth on AI, maybe you want to think again. This is from Meta AI:
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At least it would be if the fecking picture upload worked.0 -
What sort of fcking weirdo sets off fireworks in the middle of October??
the Dog shit himself and nearly knocked over the Christmas Tree 🎄18 -
Top tip 9.
How to make sure you can easily find your car in a crowded car park.
Let down all the tyres so that your car will be the lowest one in the car park and easy to spot when you return.🤭0 -
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor fellah broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."8
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She said to me "I'm so wet, can you give it to me?".
I thought "Sod that, get your own umbrella".1 -
Why do husbands normally die before their wives?
Because they want to.2 -
Did you hear about the man who mixed up Tipp-ex with his viagra?
He got a massive correction.7 -
Following news of a daring theft of jewels from the Louvre, French police have sprung into action.
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