Has the Jokes thread disappeared?

gringo

AddicksAddict said:

A friend worries I don't believe in organised religion.

But I do.  I believe in it just like I believe in organised crime.

And I avoid both with equal fervour.

"Im terribly sorry we must leave now!"
"but Roger, the dinner party is only just starting..."

MrWalker

A Sultan's wife is called a Sultana, or just his currant wife.

soapboxsam

MrWalker said:

A Sultan's wife is called a Sultana, or just his currant wife.

The Sultana, who can be the currant wife helps with the raisin of children 😀

R0TW

gringo said:

AddicksAddict said:

A friend worries I don't believe in organised religion.

But I do.  I believe in it just like I believe in organised crime.

And I avoid both with equal fervour.

"Im terribly sorry we must leave now!"
"but Roger, the dinner party is only just starting..."

Remember Wembley, we had such a ball.

AddicksAddict

I asked a sex worker for a nurse roleplay session and when I got there she threatened to go on strike, harangued me about the state of NHS funding and then fell asleep, exhausted after a 14-hour shift.

_MrDick

my wife  is fed up with me  over my obsession with sausages. I said to her “how about I take you away for a few days to take our minds off this problem.? She agreed. A nice few days in Cumberland and Lincolnshire should do  the trick.

DaveMehmet

_MrDick said:

my wife  is fed up with me  over my obsession with sausages. I said to her “how about I take you away for a few days to take our minds off this problem.? She agreed. A nice few days in Cumberland and Lincolnshire should do  the trick.

That’s hardly a banger of a joke mate 

Watameire

_MrDick said:

my wife  is fed up with me  over my obsession with sausages. I said to her “how about I take you away for a few days to take our minds off this problem.? She agreed. A nice few days in Cumberland and Lincolnshire should do  the trick.

You need Toulouse that obsession 

Fumbluff

Watameire said:

_MrDick said:

my wife  is fed up with me  over my obsession with sausages. I said to her “how about I take you away for a few days to take our minds off this problem.? She agreed. A nice few days in Cumberland and Lincolnshire should do  the trick.

You need Toulouse that obsession 

Please stop, I’m smashing my head against the walls here…

Taxi_Lad

If you want to quickly get rid of your old fridge free of charge just paint a St George’s cross on it and leave it outside….. the council will be straight round to remove it 

LargeAddick

Fumbluff said:

Watameire said:

_MrDick said:

my wife  is fed up with me  over my obsession with sausages. I said to her “how about I take you away for a few days to take our minds off this problem.? She agreed. A nice few days in Cumberland and Lincolnshire should do  the trick.

You need Toulouse that obsession 

Please stop, I’m smashing my head against the walls here…

Surely you’d be banging your head?

Stig

LargeAddick said:

Fumbluff said:

Watameire said:

_MrDick said:

my wife  is fed up with me  over my obsession with sausages. I said to her “how about I take you away for a few days to take our minds off this problem.? She agreed. A nice few days in Cumberland and Lincolnshire should do  the trick.

You need Toulouse that obsession 

Please stop, I’m smashing my head against the walls here…

Surely you’d be banging your head?

Bangers and smash

IdleHans

Fumbluff said:

Watameire said:

_MrDick said:

my wife  is fed up with me  over my obsession with sausages. I said to her “how about I take you away for a few days to take our minds off this problem.? She agreed. A nice few days in Cumberland and Lincolnshire should do  the trick.

You need Toulouse that obsession 

Please stop, I’m smashing my head against the walls here…

Wurst one yet

jose

Just found out I'm colourblind. That came out of the purple.

limeygent

After 25 years in the liquor business, Tom quits, buys 50 acres in remote Alaska, and lives in total peace - no visitors for six months.
One day, there’s a knock. A huge bearded man says, “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from 40 miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday at 5. You should come.”
“Sounds great,” says Tom.
Lars starts to leave, then adds, “Gonna be some drinkin’.”
“No problem - I can handle that.”
“Probably some fightin’, too.”
“I get along with folks - I’ll be fine.”
“Maybe some wild sex, too.”
“Even better!” Tom grins. “What should I wear?”
Lars shrugs. “Don’t matter… just gonna be the two of us.” 

CAFCsayer

_MrDick said:

my wife  is fed up with me  over my obsession with sausages. I said to her “how about I take you away for a few days to take our minds off this problem.? She agreed. A nice few days in Cumberland and Lincolnshire should do  the trick.

That's the way to do it!

AddicksAddict

Because the platypus lays eggs and produces milk, it’s one of the few animals that can make its own custard.

AddicksAddict

AddicksAddict

Watameire said:

_MrDick said:

my wife  is fed up with me  over my obsession with sausages. I said to her “how about I take you away for a few days to take our minds off this problem.? She agreed. A nice few days in Cumberland and Lincolnshire should do  the trick.

You need Toulouse that obsession 

Can’t. No time. 

AddicksAddict

I went into a bookshop that had a sign outside saying “1/3 off selected titles“.

I came away with The Two Musketeers and Fahrenheit 300.66. 

Chizz

AddicksAddict said:

I went into a bookshop that had a sign outside saying “1/3 off selected titles“.

I came away with The Two Musketeers and Fahrenheit 300.66. 

You got a bargain. It should have been Fahrenheit 600.66.

AddicksAddict

Chizz said:

AddicksAddict said:

I went into a bookshop that had a sign outside saying “1/3 off selected titles“.

I came away with The Two Musketeers and Fahrenheit 300.66. 

You got a bargain. It should have been Fahrenheit 600.66.

What?  2/3 of 451 is 300.66. 

thai malaysia addick

AddicksAddict said:

Chizz said:

AddicksAddict said:

I went into a bookshop that had a sign outside saying “1/3 off selected titles“.

I came away with The Two Musketeers and Fahrenheit 300.66. 

You got a bargain. It should have been Fahrenheit 600.66.

What?  2/3 of 451 is 300.66. 

300.67 if you use rounding rather than truncation.

AddicksAddict

thai malaysia addick said:

AddicksAddict said:

Chizz said:

AddicksAddict said:

I went into a bookshop that had a sign outside saying “1/3 off selected titles“.

I came away with The Two Musketeers and Fahrenheit 300.66. 

You got a bargain. It should have been Fahrenheit 600.66.

What?  2/3 of 451 is 300.66. 

300.67 if you use rounding rather than truncation.

True, although I was thinking of using 300.666666666666666666666666666666666666, but I ran out of 6s. 

AddicksAddict

Why do the French eat snails?

Because they don’t like fast food.

AddicksAddict

Our great-nephew’s maths homework today. 

R0TW

Wife walks into the kitchen and finds her husband walking around with a fly swatter.

Wife: “What are you doing?”
Husband: “Hunting flies.” 
Wife: “Oh? Caught any?”
Husband: “Yep. 3 males, 2 females.”
Wife: “How on earth can you tell the difference?!”
Husband: “Easy… 3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone!”

blackpool72

Nigel says to his mum I've got the biggest Dick in the nursery,  is it because I come from Croydon and I'm  special. 

Mum says  no you retard it's because you are 28 , now eat your spaghetti hoops and try not to spill any on your Palace shirt.

AddicksAddict

jose

So I went to a restaurant and the waiter said, "I’m really sorry but we are so busy tonight; Would you mind waiting for a bit?" I said, "No problem." He said, "Good, take these drinks to table 7."