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  • thai malaysia addick
    thai malaysia addick Posts: 18,479
    Well, is it safe to swim here or not?


  • Taxi_Lad
    Taxi_Lad Posts: 3,797
    It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 30 minute walk from the pub to my house.  
    The difference is staggering!
  • EugenesAxe
    EugenesAxe Posts: 3,487
    According to new research on his DNA it turns out Hitler possibly really did only have one ball…


    and a micro-penis apparently 

    https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2025/nov/13/did-hitler-really-have-a-micropenis-hitlers-dna-channel-4-documentary
  • _MrDick
    _MrDick Posts: 13,145
    Not many people know I sat next to Noddy Holder at school.The teacher was always catching him eating snacks, one day she snapped and shouted  "what the hell are you eating now ?!?!”

    "ITS CRISPS MISSSS!”

  • AddicksAddict
    AddicksAddict Posts: 15,923
    Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes on the floor?

    Me: I struck down a Jedi. 
  • thai malaysia addick
    thai malaysia addick Posts: 18,479

  • blackpool72
    blackpool72 Posts: 23,850
    My wife and I were on holiday and after a few Vodkas and hours of persuasion she finally agreed to take it up the arse. 
    I was made up.
    There was no way i could get another 7 pouches of golden Virginia in the suitcase. 
  • CharltonManor1966
    CharltonManor1966 Posts: 107
    I saw a bloke walking through Charlton Park holding a 12 foot long stick, he was wearing running kit and trainers. I asked him "are you a pole- vaulter"?
    He said "Nein- I am German - but how do you know my name"
  • AddicksAddict
    AddicksAddict Posts: 15,923
    If you think your job is pointless, remember, there’s a chap in Munich who’s spent the best years of his life fitting indicators to BMWs. 
  • AddicksAddict
    AddicksAddict Posts: 15,923
    Here’s one for our ex-colonial cousins. 

    The affordable care act is 15 years old.

    Which explains why Republicans are trying to fuck it. 

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  • Silverdreammachine
    Silverdreammachine Posts: 378
    Government announce freeze on Rail prices. RMT Union set to strike over Christmas!
    You couldn't make it up!
  • _MrDick
    _MrDick Posts: 13,145
    I've heard Tesco are giving away free turkey this year for anyone that can outrun their security guards 
  • jose
    jose Posts: 806

    Another top tip.





  • jose
    jose Posts: 806
    Why does everyone know the muffin man and not the muffin woman?

    Because of the pastriarchy.
  • AddicksAddict
    AddicksAddict Posts: 15,923


    There’s an incentive to muti-buy!!
  • thai malaysia addick
    thai malaysia addick Posts: 18,479
    AddicksAddict said:


    There’s an incentive to muti-buy!!
    In the Philippines, where I've worked and travelled a lot, many shops offer 'Buy one, get one' deals. Surely, that's normal shopping.
  • jose
    jose Posts: 806

    A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, and so went to his father for advice.

    "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy."

    The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then remembers his father's advice and asks the girl,

    "Do you like cauliflower cheese?"

    "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket.

    "Do you have a brother?"

    "No."

    After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like cauliflower cheese?"

  • Swindon_Addick
    Swindon_Addick Posts: 1,755
    A Christmas-themed one. 

  • R0TW
    R0TW Posts: 1,729

  • ozaddick
    ozaddick Posts: 2,869
    A man and his flat chested wife went to see a marriage counsellor.
    The counsellor asks," what seems to be the problem?"
    "Well", the man replied, "Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic." 

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  • Taxi_Lad
    Taxi_Lad Posts: 3,797
    A duck goes into a bar and asks the bartender 
    “got any bread?”
    Bartender: “No this is a bar”

    and hour later the duck returns
    Duck: “got any bread?”
    Bartender: ”no, I told you before”

    another hour later the duck returns again
    Duck:”got any bread?”
    the bartender flips…..  
    Bartender: “if you come in here again asking for bread I’ll nail your fucking beak to this bar”🤬
    the duck leaves but soon returns, shuffling up to the bar.
    Duck: “Got any nails?
    Bartender: “no”
    Duck: ”got any bread?”

  • _MrDick
    _MrDick Posts: 13,145
    I went to the Doctor and said ‘I’ve swallowed two dozen scrabble tiles.’ He said oh, that’s not good. When you go to the toilet, that could spell trouble’ 
  • jose
    jose Posts: 806
    I asked if I could leave work early the other day. The boss said sure, as long as you make up the time.
    I said no problem, it’s 20 past 44.
  • CharltonManor1966
    CharltonManor1966 Posts: 107
    A wife takes her husband to see the doctor as he had not been well.
    The GP tells him that he will need to supply a urine sample, a stool sample and a semen sample.
    The wife tells him "just give the doctor your underpants"!
  • AddicksAddict
    AddicksAddict Posts: 15,923

  • thenewbie
    thenewbie Posts: 11,050
    edited 2:21PM
    My wife thinks I'm nosey.

    I just wish she'd say it to my face and not write it in her diary.

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