It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.
At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a stunning blonde in her lingerie.
She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she gave him the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a full English Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cups bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five quid for?"
"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you".
"I asked him what to give you".
He said, "Fuck-him. Give him a fiver."
She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea"
Went to the shops yesterday and got bored Shopping with my Wife,
She felt sorry for me. She gave me a £10 and told me to go for a Pint and meet her at the Bus Stop in an hour.
I had a wander around but somehow found myself in the Red-Light area.
Simply being curious I asked one of the girls "How Much"..???
The girl replied, "£90 for all the way, £60 for Oral or £30 for a Handjob."
I told her I only had £10?
She said, “Sorry, but you won't get much for a tenner."
So I shrugged my shoulders and continued to wander. I found a Pub, and then went to meet my Wife.
While we were sitting together waiting for the Bus, the same working girl I spoke to earlier passes by on the other side of the road and recognised me.
She shouts over to me..
"See, I told ya, you wouldn't get much for a tenner"...
John goes into Lewisham Council and applies for a job. The interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes caffeine. I cant drink coffee." "OK, have you ever been in the British army? "Yes, I was in Iraq." The interviewer says, "That will give you an extra 5 points towards employment." Then he asks "Are you disabled in any way?". John says, Yes a bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer says "Disabled in the line of duty for your Country! Well that qualifies you for bonus points. Okay. You have enough points, I can hire you right now. Our normal working hours are from 8.00 am to 4.00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10.00am and plan on starting at 10.00 am every day. John is a bit confused and asks, "if the work hours are from 8am to 4pm, why dont you want me here till 10.00am?" The interviewer says, "This is Lewisham Council, for the first 2 hours we stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
"I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was
looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit
a power line crossing the fairway".
"and this is when you swore?" asked the priest.
"No father, my ball then ricocheted off the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man.
"this must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed.
"No father, not yet. As I was walking over to the rough to hit my
second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his
beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man.
"Ahhh I see" says the priest "this must have been the point where you swore"
"Nope not yet. The bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole"
The priest pauses for a few seconds "you missed the fucking putt didn't you?"
A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest,
"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's"
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.
All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, “Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy replies ..."No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes".
The England football team, netball squad and rugby sides would have all sent their congratulations to the cricket team for Sunday’s success but they’re all furious the cricketers used up the nation’s entire quota of good luck for a decade in one afternoon.
A guy walks into a pub after a long day at work and orders a drink. As he sits there, mulling over his day, he hears a high-pitched voice say, "That shirt looks great on you!” The man looks around, doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink thinking nothing more of it. But then, a moment later, the voice returns, this time offering, “You seem like a really cool guy!” Again, the man looks around, sees nothing, and returns to his drink, wondering if he should get checked out by a professional. Finally, when his nerves have cooled and he believes the voice is gone, he hears, “I bet your parents are really proud of you!” He slams down his drink and looks around wildly. Frustrated and finding no possible source of the voice, he calls over the barman.
He says, “What’s that voice I keep hearing?”
“Oh, those are the peanuts,” the bartender replies. “They’re complimentary.”
Pierre the famous French fighter was flying over occupied territory when he was shot down, a farmers daughter rescued him and took him to a secluded barn to nurse him back to health. When he was fully recovered Pierre told the the farmers daughter he would take her for a picnic as a reward, the picnic went well until the farmers daughter turned amorous & she said "oh, Pierre kiss me, kiss me"
Pierre the famous French fighter pilot agreed and before he kissed her opened a bottle of red wine and poured it over her lips. He then proceeded to give her the best kiss of her life!
But she proclaimed "Pierre, that was amazing, but what was with the red wine?" He replied "I'm Pierre the famous French fighter pilot, if I eat red meat, I drink red wine."
Oh, she said, "Pierre kiss me lower, kiss me lower!" So Pierre opened a bottle of white wine and poured it over her breasts. As he suckled on her breasts the farmers daughter proclaimed "that was amazing, but what was the white wine for?" Pierre replied " I'm Pierre the famous French fighter pilot, if I eat white meat, I drink white wine!".
The farmers daughter in throws of passion says "oh, Pierre, kiss me lower, kiss me lower! So Pierre the famous French fighter pilot opens a bottle of brandy and pours it over the farmers daughter pubic region and then flicks a match onto it igniting it. The farmers daughter immediately starts smacking the fire out, and says what the hell are you doing?
Pierre replies "I'm Pierre the famous French fighter pilot, and if I'm going down, I'm going down in flames!"
Comments
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a full English Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cups bottom edge.
To the person who stole my glasses. I will find you.
I have contacts...
A rabbit and a bear were both squatting down, side by side, having a poop in the woods.
The bear turns to the rabbit and says, “Do you ever get poop stuck in your fur?”. The rabbit replies, “Nope, not really”.
So the bear grabs the rabbit and wipes his arse with it.
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”
Really don’t understand why she told me to urinate on a skeleton.
"I swore the other day" says the man.
"continue" says the priest.
"I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway".
"and this is when you swore?" asked the priest.
"No father, my ball then ricocheted off the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man.
"this must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed.
"No father, not yet. As I was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man.
"Ahhh I see" says the priest "this must have been the point where you swore"
"Nope not yet. The bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole"
The priest pauses for a few seconds "you missed the fucking putt didn't you?"
A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest,
"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's"
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.
All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, “Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy replies ..."No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes".
My girlfriend accused me of 'cheating on her'.
She's beginning to sound just like my Wife.
She buries me in the sand and then I bury her.
Must go back soon and dig her up.
Courtesy of Tommy Cooper.
I recently suggested to my wife that she try masturbating with fruit.
She went fucking bananas.
He says, “What’s that voice I keep hearing?”
“Oh, those are the peanuts,” the bartender replies. “They’re complimentary.”
Pierre the famous French fighter was flying over occupied territory when he was shot down, a farmers daughter rescued him and took him to a secluded barn to nurse him back to health. When he was fully recovered Pierre told the the farmers daughter he would take her for a picnic as a reward, the picnic went well until the farmers daughter turned amorous & she said "oh, Pierre kiss me, kiss me"
Pierre the famous French fighter pilot agreed and before he kissed her opened a bottle of red wine and poured it over her lips. He then proceeded to give her the best kiss of her life!
But she proclaimed "Pierre, that was amazing, but what was with the red wine?" He replied "I'm Pierre the famous French fighter pilot, if I eat red meat, I drink red wine."
Oh, she said, "Pierre kiss me lower, kiss me lower!" So Pierre opened a bottle of white wine and poured it over her breasts. As he suckled on her breasts the farmers daughter proclaimed "that was amazing, but what was the white wine for?" Pierre replied " I'm Pierre the famous French fighter pilot, if I eat white meat, I drink white wine!".
The farmers daughter in throws of passion says "oh, Pierre, kiss me lower, kiss me lower! So Pierre the famous French fighter pilot opens a bottle of brandy and pours it over the farmers daughter pubic region and then flicks a match onto it igniting it. The farmers daughter immediately starts smacking the fire out, and says what the hell are you doing?
Pierre replies "I'm Pierre the famous French fighter pilot, and if I'm going down, I'm going down in flames!"